Lost and confused

[Sunshine227]

I left my abusive ex a (detail removed by moderator). This was followed by him moving in a (detail removed by moderator) me like it was a completely normal thing to so. Despite accusing me of domestic violence the last time that we had a conversation, he won’t stop coming around, knocking on the door, texting as if nothing has happened. I am so confused. Does he honestly believe that we can be friends after all of this, or is this another way for him to worm his way back in to abuse me again? I worry about opening the door and quite often don’t, but every now and then he catches me by surprise. I hate living like this but am starting to think that something is wrong with me. I have told him to leave me alone so many times but its like my voice doesn’t count for anything at all, and my opinion on anything is void. I don’t know what else I can do to make this stop.

[Anonymous]

Sunshine227

There is definitely nothing wrong with you! He is trying to manipulate you further and probably hoping that you’ll give him that second, third or fourth chance etc. Stay strong. When he sees his tactics aren’t working he’ll get fed up. X

[Eggshells]

Hi Sunshine227

It’s not normal behaviour and there could be all sorts of reasons for it. Non of his reasons will have your best interests at heart.

I’m hopeful that someone can help you with advice about court orders to keep him away.

In the meantime, is there any reason why he needs to maintain contact with you or can you just block him on your phone?

I know someone who uses a “Ring” doorbell. It allows you to see whoever is at your door by sending video to your phone. I’ve just checked it out and it’s just under £90 but might be a good investment to give you peace of mind. You can check whose at your door without going anywhere near them and you can choose whether or not to answer.

[Anonymous]

Harassment

If your ex-partner approaches you or rings/texts you on two or more occasions then they may commit an offence of harassment. The incidents must be related so they become a course of conduct and not two isolated incidents. The further apart the incidents are, the less likely there is to be an offence of harassment. However, all the circumstances of the incident will be taken into account when determining if an offence has been committed.

The law uses a ‘reasonable person’ test, this means that if it was felt that a person of reasonable firmness, i.e. the average person on the street, would not find the behaviour to be oppressive, alarming or distressing, the offence is not committed. The offender must also be aware that the course of conduct they are pursuing would cause the victim to be alarmed or distressed.

Stalking

If your ex-partner pursues a course of conduct that amounts to harassment as described above, then this may amount to an offence of stalking if the conduct involves acts associated with stalking. Whilst there is no strict legal definition of ‘stalking’, legislation gives examples of acts that could amount to stalking. This includes, but is not limited to:

following a person;
contacting or attempting to contact a person by any means;
publishing a statement or other material relating to a person or purporting to relate to a person or purporting to originate from a person;
monitoring the use by a person of the internet, email or any other form of electronic communication;
loitering in any place (whether public or private);
interfering with any property in the possession of a person;
watching or spying on a person.

Fear of violence or serious alarm or distress
If your ex-partner is threatening you with violence then there is a more serious offence of harassment with fear of violence or stalking involving fear of violence or serious alarm or distress.

For the first offence to be committed, a person must engage in a course of conduct which amounts to harassment and causes another to fear that on at least two occasions, violence will be used against them. The person must know that their behaviour will cause fear of violence on each of those occasions.

In relation to conduct that amounts to stalking, the offence can be committed in two ways. Firstly if the conduct causes a person to fear that on at least two occasions, violence will be used against them; the person engaging in the conduct must know that their behaviour will cause fear of violence on each of those occasions. Secondly if the conduct causes a person serious alarm or distress which has a substantial effect on their usual day to day activities and the person engaging in the conduct ought to know that it will cause serious alarm or distress.

What can be done

If you feel that you are being harassed or stalked then you can contact your local police. If there are any threats of violence towards you, you should always inform the police and they will treat the matter with greater urgency.

In addition to any criminal proceedings, the police are able to apply for a Stalking Protection Order. This is a civil order similar to an injunction, which can impose restrictions on the person engaging in stalking behaviour. The order may prohibit the person entering certain locations or contacting the victim by any means. It can prohibit contacting any family members or friends of the victim or referencing them on social media. The restrictions imposed are tailored to the individual’s circumstances. A Stalking Protection Order can be applied for whilst criminal proceedings are ongoing or before criminal proceedings begin to allow early intervention where behaviour could escalate to the committing of a stalking offence. A person who breaches a Stalking Protection Order commits a criminal offence.

There is a Stalking helpline and website which provides advice and support to those who are being stalked. It is run by Network for Surviving Stalking, Protection Against Stalking and the Suzy Lampugh Trust and is part funded by the Home Office.

0300 636 0300
advice@stalkinghelpline.org.

This came from this website….https://www.askthe.police.uk/content/Q151.htm

His behavior is not okay and it needs to stop. It’s harrassment and it’s stalking. He had to move there? No he didn’t. I’d also get a camera that is for the outside of your house. Or one that is inside but is directed at your door. The feeds can go directly to your phone. I have mentioned this before to other women, not sure if any have ever done it but I think it’s worth a try. To get a medical alert bracelet or necklace and no you don’t have to have a medical reason but if you do, make one up…and if you press that button, whoever this emergency response goes to, will know your location and send help right to you. I think it’s a brilliant idea myself. Why not? You never know what someone like this is capable of and I don’t like the smell of his behavior one little bit. If it were me, I’d move. He obviously thinks you are still his property and you will have no peace living that close to him. He will spy on you and do who knows what, follow you around, too? Uh, no. Not good sweetheart, not good.

[Author]

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