Lost and empty

[lostgal]

So today has been a particularly bad day for me my anxiety and depression has been harder to handle than usual. Struggling to say the least. Recently I’ve been trying to piece my life together before he ruined it and spiralled I’ve tried to become more focused on things that do and used to make me happy while keeping my mind active and distracted. But whatever I do I still feel empty, numb and lost like I’ve got a missing piece of myself and I don’t feel normal or myself anymore! Not because he’s gone just because of what he’s done to me mentally. Im worried and concerned that this piece of me was lost when he abused me and I won’t be the same anymore because of it. Maybe one day I’ll be happy but it’ll still be with me deep down. I feel like it will always be with me now and forever regardless of what the future hold and regardless of how happy I could be. That piece was took when he abused me and because of that I won’t be the same again but that makes me scared how can I cope like this? Because I don’t feel like I can 🙁
love
lostgal xx

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi there LG,

I think we will probably always carry it with us, just like we carry other memories even good ones with us. It does shape us but it doesn’t have to define us. I believe we can all recover but it takes time. We may never be the same but that’s because we aren’t going backwards to who we were, we are finding out who we are now. Are you receiving any therapy or help with your anxiety and depression? If you are then perhaps a change in medication or a different kind of therapy is needed in order to find what is the most healing for you.
I think it’s also important to be patient with yourself, I haven’t been out that long and I also have horrible horrible days but try to enjoy the good moments or even just the calm moments when they are there and know that bad days will happen but you will get through them minute by minute. Be kind to yourself and show yourself lots of love and selfcare, keep doing things that makes you feel good, try new things too. Even if you feel numb doing them, the feeling will come back in time. He absolutely took something from you, and you did not deserve that, but I believe we can all find our happy again. Maybe it wasn’t the kind of happy we pictured for ourselves, but it will be happy nonetheless.
Keep hanging in there and remember you can always call WA or the Samaritans for a chat just to hear a comforting voice x Keep posting on here as well x

[Anonymous]

hi lostgal. i totally understand that feeling as i have experienced this for the third time. it does get easier even tho it feels like we never will. a part of us has died inside its like a massive gaping wound that no plaster can cover. what is getting me through is i know i done nothing wrong i did not instigate the abuse. i keep asking myself why? why me? what did i do to deserve this? the answer is absolutely nothing. i have taken today off its only been a week since i threw him out so its very early i rode on adrenaline last week now i need a day for me. i refuse to take my antidepressants he blamed my depression on his behaviour. his behaviour caused it. we are all in this together we all understand that gut wrenching feeling. hes koved straight in with whoever hes with now which he done with me. so this pattern will never stop they are the damaged ones not us we are just the victims of mass destruction. the hate the loneliness will fade with time. mo contact is the best healer its working for me. its just the devil in me that wishes all bad luck pain and suffering on to him for the future because he set out to do this to me. they all did. its such a Shame we are all splattered abouts the country what a fantastic coffee morning we could all have. sending big hugs

[lostgal]

AlwaysSorry
I am currently on medication for my anxiety and depression while also receiving CBT therapy as well. I have noticed the medication levels me out more but I still massively dip at night when I have time to think and those horrible thoughts and his words creep into my head again. Or the memories of the past crop up and I spiral and end up not sleeping. I know things will take time but its already been a while I’m trying hard to keep the hope but right now I’m struggling to cope with it all! I’m trying to stay focused on positive things but nothing seems to fill the empty void that the abuse has left I lost apart of myself and I don’t know how to cope and be happy without it.
Imsosad
You’ve summed it perfectly it is a gaping wound left by his abuse!! I ask myself why all the time and blame myself and it takes a lot of me to try to force these thoughts to the back of my mind. Your so strong don’t let him get to you, you’re not to blame. He does deserve all that what goes around comes around! Although I feel lonely I realise I’m not we have all each other on here, family and friends support! It is such a shame we are all over because a coffee morning with all you’s would be amazing. But least we have each other on here!
Thanks for all the support you’s are wonderful ladies xx
love n hugs
lostgal xx

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