Lost and lonely

[HermioneGranger]

I have come here because I’m at my wits end. I do t know what to do or how to move forward. I don’t feel I can talk to my family as I dont want to colour their opinion of him. I have been with my husband for many years, since I was a teenager. We have been married the past few years and we have a toddler.

If I’m honest I know in hindsight (what a wonderful this that is!) That things have not been great for a while. We have always had a fiery relationship. I had a tough childhood, living in a house with warring parents who were also alcoholics. This has left me with my own personal baggage which has taken many years to shake off. I have suffered with depression and anxiety and more recently post natal depression. This has not made me the easiest partner. I am aware of that.

We have always argued, but not like this. More recently, in the last (detail removed by moderator) things have got much worse. He has started calling me names. It started with names like crazy and delusional, but more recently he swears at me during an arguement, telling me to f*ck off, calling me and f*cking d**k and a f*cling c*nt, sometimes in front of our daughter. A word I am aware he despises and wouldn’t have even uttered until recently. I questioned him about it and never seem to get a suitable explanation.

Things have got much worse between us since I became pregnant. I struggled with pregnancy, feeling poorly for much of it and lacking in energy. This often seemed to annoy and anger him. Things began to really deteriorate this time last year when I was diagnosed with post natal depression. I’m not proud to say I squared up to him a few times, leading to some pushing and shoving. Horrid and shameful. In bed the other night when I didnt respond to him he kicked and shoved me, although denied doing it later.

It’s as though in the last few month, as I have recovered from PND, a blindfold has been taken off, and I can see some of his behaviour for what it is. My sister summed it up recently – childish. My family do not live close by, and as a result I have to go away to see them. He often makes me feel guilty for this, admitting he is jealous and resentful of being left with our daughter. I was offered the opportunity to go away with work (detail removed by moderator) It was fantastic to be my own person and really opened my eyes to certain things. When I returned he was awful, bringing it up in arguments and making me feel guilty about leaving our daughter. When we gather as a family for birthdays or Christmas, he makes me feel guilty for spending time with them, whilst separating himself from them, making me feel torn. He has never particularly gotten woth my family and is often openly critical of them to me.

I’m honestly not sure what to do. Part of knows this not going to get better. But then we have days where things are good, and it makes me forget and lessens the pain. These are becoming fewer and farther between. We seem to argue all the time. Financially I am terrified of leaving him. He has been my partner since I was basically a child. I have grown up with this man, achieved with him, become a grown up and a parent. I am distraught at the thought of this being over. I have discussed couples therapy on multiple occasions, which he has refused (and later when I raised this as an issue, he denied it and blamed me for not doing anything about it). I have also mention anger management and calling talking therapies (I used these last year), but his response was that it didnt do me any good so why bother.

I honestly have no idea what to do. I have started looking at rentals in the area to see what is financially feasible. Despite fighting hard to work part time, I feel my only option would be to return to work full time. A conversation my employer would not be delighted to have. And honestly I don’t want to only see my daughter a few days a week and pass here between us like a parcel. On the other hand I have been scarred by living in a household with a toxic environment and dont want that for my child.

I feel I own it to my husband to make it work. We have grown up together. He is a great father. But I can also see we are destroying each other. Part of me feels like I’m waiting for some sort of trigger. Part of me is still convinced I am over reacting, or delusional. That’s this is all in my head. Neither of which gives me the foundations to feel I would be right in doing something as decisive as leaving. My family know there is something wrong. My sister asked me at a family party I was at, whether I was happy. I was a little drunk and answered honestly that I was sometimes, but also sometimes not. I dare not mention the rest. This conversation was after my husband had berated me for going away and leaving our daughter with him.

[Hetty]

You’ve been very brave to reach out and share your story. I hope this is the start of making sense of your situation.
I’m sorry to hear how horrible things are for you. In many relationships abuse escalates during pregnancy and when a child comes along. Often these men can’t cope with the attention not being on them and don’t want to pull their weight. A great father does not verbally abuse their child’s mother and certainly not in front of their child. That language is disgusting. A great father would support their child’s mother through hard times. Not lack in empathy and support.
Have you thought about speaking with a local DA organisation? They could help you think through your options.
You could also start keeping a secret journal which will help you gain clarity of the situation.
Shortly before I left my ex husband we had a terrible argument and I threw a glass of water over him. I’m not proud of that. He was shouting and swearing at me calling me pathetic and a s**t mother. I couldn’t take anymore. That’s what abuse does.
You’ve offered options to you partner but he’s quite clearly saying he won’t change or take responsibility. Do you want life to be this way?
You don’t have to make any snap decisions. Start exploring what your options are. If you can start talking to your family and friends. Perhaps they can help and support you.
The thought of separating can be so overwhelming. Just start breaking things down. For example, you mention working full time and your boss not being happy. Start those conversations and see how the land lies. You can then start making informed decisions. When I left my ex husband I’d given up my career. I had to start again. It was totally fine. One step at a time.
Keep posting.

[Cecile]

What you have described is the classical pattern of abuse that I and many other women on this forum have experienced. There is lots of advice available here from expert ladies, and please keep posting. I am con corned that you attribute all your achievements to this man. Really? Where are you in this, who are you? You are also very fearful and anxious, which I have also experienced. Please focus on your strengths and positives. Write them down. If you think they are in the past realise that they are always present, its just we can forget under the onslaught of being de-personalised by these monsters.

I don’t want to give any more advice now as others are better placed to do that on this forum. Other than to say- get legal advice from a solicitor who understand domestic violence and coercive control.And keep a diary/jouranl of everything that makes you feel nervous, uncomfortable, afraid.

[Escapee]

Hi Hermione 😊

I can completely empathise with you. Your husband sounds very similar to mine. And I too grew with him and our lives were very intertwined. I tried several times to leave but we always gravitated back to each other,- a case of can’t live with, can’t live without.

Move on decades later and it was so bad I was left with no choice, it was my sanity and health or the relationship. I chose me.

Being in an abusive relationship destroys you and harms your children. I regret any harm I have caused my children by staying deeply.

Leaving him will be immensely emotional so please think about the possibility of moving to be near your family- support will be key to you being ok, more so than a job.

As the other ladies say, write stuff down, post on here, talk to a DA support worker so you can get your head straight and plan what is best for you.

X*x

[Author]

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