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I dont really know where to start, I just feel completely stuck. I always assumed it was only physical abuse was abuse so just thought I was being dramatic about everything else as the physical events didn’t happen everyday more so every once in a while. I feel like I’ve had the life completly sucked out of me and I’m so drained emotionally, physically and mentally. Yet I still hold on to the hope that he will change and he’ll stop the bad and treat me how he does when things are good because anytime a major incident happens he’s adamant he will change and begs me for another chance and gets so upset and says he has major problems and he needs me to get through it yet he almost pretends to get help for a week or so and then it’s back to how it was. It’s like we’re on a constant merry go round where he’ll belittle me, call me names, shout at me, tell me how to dress, not want me going out with friends if it involves drink, questions what I’m doing constantly etc, yet he’s allowed to do what he wants without me raising a single question and when everything escalates he’ll apologise, say he’ll change and il take him back. There’s honestly too many examples for me to even use but he always manages to twist things so that I feel as if I’m the one that’s in the wrong. In the sense that when he does something to me he’ll say that I pushed him to it, that he’s never been like this, that my actions cause his reactions which makes me doubt myself even though deep down I know I’ve done nothing wrong. He continually states how I put in more effort with how I look when I’m with everyone else compared to when I’m with him and all this continuously does is make me more paranoid about how I look as I always believed your partner was the one who should accept you in every way. We lost a child together and I feel as if I hold this emotional bond to him. But we’d split up (detail removed by moderator) before this upsetting situation and I literally had to beg him multiple times for a conversation just to speak in person. This however was ‘too difficult’ for him with him stating how he felt he had to help himself before he could even speak to me about it even though he’d been away (detail removed by moderator) whilst this happened and I was left to deal with it alone as he never once felt the need to contact me even knowing what had happened. I feel as if I love this person too much and I’m scared to let go because I feel like I’ve took so much that I’m the problem and that whoever he’s next with will have him at his best and I’m the one causing all these problems with us and it’s always making me doubt leaving him for good that he might just change. If anyone has any advice for me I’d be forever greatful, I just feel like a shadow of myself and I’ve lost so many family members and friends over this who struggle to understand my reasoning for why I’ve stayed.
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It sounds like you are going through hell 😔. Have you read Why does he do that? – my partner sounds very similar to yours and I am reading this at the moment….it is a revelation and has made me realise that his behaviour isn’t something that can be ‘fixed’ – it is an innate part of who they are.
The emotional and psychological damage an abusive relationship causes is enormous – no wonder you are feeling emotionally exhausted 😔.
Have you spoken to a DA support worker or your Dr?
Sending you love xx
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Thank you for taking time out to respond. Reading everyone’s different experiences has helped in the sense where I know I’m not alone and there’s others out there experiencing what I am and I suppose in a weird way it brings a sense of comfort knowing im not suffering alone. I’m trying to find the strength to walk away but I’m just really struggling because as a lot of my family and friends don’t realise it isn’t just as easy as that. I haven’t spoke to anyone for help yet I’m just trying to ease myself in as it’s a bit hard to accept it’s happening to a degree. It’s sad that I can’t change it or make it better xx
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Oh my gosh, it is like reading my life back. You are not to blame and the simple fact we are all here telling one another a very familiar story is reassurance that we are not to blame for the situations we find ourselves in. Just hold on to your inner self, believe in yourself and in a moment of doubt come here. The last few days of realising this was an outlet has completely helped me. I’m too tired and aware of talking to friends as I don’t want to loose that support. We are all in the same boat hear and never get tired of listening x*x
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It’s so hard it’s like deep down I know I’m not to blame but I find it hard to believe that as that’s just how he’s left me feeling. As if everything is my fault. I’m trying to hold on to myself and think positive but it’s just so hard and I’m really struggling. It’s so hard to not want to push friends away as they feel they can’t do anymore to help so I’m glad there is people here who can understand xx
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Totally know how you feel. I get the merry go round too. It’s all lies to keep him doubting yourself. How mighty and powerful he must feel to have you under his control while he gets to live his life how he chooses. It’s so sad and shocking so many of us are living in these relationships. I started keeping a log of the behaviours and I started to see patterns. The good times are few and fat between. More that I let a lot of stuff slide and then forget about it. It’s awful. X
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The merry go round I feel just makes it worse, it’s almost as if your drawn in to believe that everything will be ok but that only lasts for a short period of time and then it’s back to usual. Yeah that true it’s almost as if they get a thrill outve the power and causing fear. I nearly feel I have to hide things from him for fear of causing more bad things between us which only scares me further. That’s my problem too I always let things slide but he’ll hold on to the tiniest thing and never let it go. In a sense I’m so glad there is people out here who understand even though it’s in horrible conditions xx
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Hi and welcome, Have you googled the Cycle of Abuse and The Power and Control Wheel. It shows the merry go round of Abuse that you’re on. The only one who can stop it is us..by walking away..going No Contact. They have no need to stop it as they like it as it is with them feeling mighty at our expense and they like seeing us harried, exhausted, upset, anxious, angry, resentful, blaming ourselves and with no self-esteem while they prance about feeling in control, feeling rested, lots of time to do what they like.. work on their ‘Power-games’ with others and us while we’re doing the majority of the work.
There are 3 things that keep the merry go round of Abuse turning they are.our fear, hope and love. By coming on here you will lose the Hope that they will change, that things will be different next time. You will gain the strength to take action to get off the merry go round of Abuse despite your fears for the future or what he may do to you , financial fears , how you will cope etc. And the love/trauma bond may weaken with the knowledge and awareness from this Forum.
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His lack of empathy at the time when you lost your child is a sign of his total lack of empathy with you, your feelings. (detail removed by moderator). Please read a book called why does he do that?” If you haven’t already, it is very helpful.
We also lost a child and I was shoved to one side, completely sidelined. It was as if he took away any ability on my part to show my grief, and to grieve. I became utterly numb and shut down emotionally and mentally. He abused me verbally and physically restricted my ability to move around my home and do the simplest of tasks. He destroyed my garden and hurt my animals. Insulted about my appearance, on and on. Bizarrely his family members began to treat me badly after the death, and even more after I was in an accident that was very severe. Of course it took me a long time to wake up to the truth that he was probably saying bad things about me when I was at my most vulnerable.
The only way I have managed not to go insane has been to go on anti depressants, tell various professionals about him, and flee as far away as possible.
I spent days stupefied, unable to make decisions at first as he would never let me do even small tasks. Then I began to enjoy the isolation and calm and it was like a deep wound beginning to heal.Today I felt a bit odd when I woke up. I checked my thoughts and feelings, I have to do this as I was so detached from them. I realised I was happy, experiencing happiness for no particular reason. I have fled after reading this forum and listening to the good advice. I am due to return to carry out tasks related to finances but I don’t want to……
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This is 100% my situation. Trust me, you are not crazy. My partner and I had conversation yesterday and he has own up to his mistakes for the 1st time in (detail removed by moderator). I broke up with him but he begged me to stay in the house till (detail removed by moderator) to watch him how much he can change. I agreed but only because it gives me time to sort myself out
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Hi Sweetie
It’s not a fair fight and you’ll always be on the back foot. You’re a shadow of your former self, ground down, grieving the loss of your baby and craving his support.
I imagine it’s difficult to detach if you feel that you have this shared loss. But putting it bluntly, his behaviour plainly shows that the loss is entirely felt by you alone.
You shouldn’t have to plead for his support and understanding. But please don’t feel ashamed for doing so! All of us here have done it. Personally, I gave up a good job and moved overseas to be with my abuser, despite finding out he’d cheated. I think perhaps I believed that he’d feel a degree of remorse and it would be the trigger for getting some balance.
Sadly, just as you’re finding out, these abusers have zero capacity for introspection. They blame us for making them behave the way they do. Yet, ask yourself, does what you do, or don’t do, have any real affect on what he does or doesn’t do? They always change the rules and we jump to it, believing that it’s our job to make things right. (Once my ex had conditioned me to answer his calls immediately I was then made to feel bad because I didn’t leap to hug him the second he got home.)
It’s several years since I got out and now I can honestly say what I felt for him was not love. I was manipulated very slowly, from even before we got together, to ignore misgivings and to believe in feelings that didn’t exist. It was pure illusion. Sleight of hand. They are simply con men, tricksters, frauds. We shouldn’t feel ashamed for being conned. For being hopeful, optimistic, trusting. The shame is theirs.
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This is such a common theme isn’t it. I was so young when I felt exactly the same like it must be something I’m doing / not doing. If he was with someone else he would respect them. As tome went on he did have another relationship and he treated her just the same as me. She had to call the police she was terrified of him. So the problem lies with these men it’s their attitude that is the problem xx read up it’s amazing validation and when it becomes clear there will be no turning back xx
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