19th September 2021 at 3:02 pm #131638brokenheartedgirl1234Participant
I am so sorry we are connecting on very sad and unfortunate circumstances, I hope every woman reading this now God grants them peace in their hearts and hope.
Loads of people say words like ‘you are safe now’. I know my husband was abusive (detail removed by moderator), but why why do i feel worse here at this ‘safe place’ than when i was being kicked, spat on and humiliated. it makes no sense to me.
I have been through so much from losing my baby because of the abuse so why do i not see him as a threat, a danger, a evil abuser?
I am haunted everyday by his words that if i do leave no one will ever want me. truth is my husband was my first everything, my first love, my first time (i lost my virginty to him which is seen in my community as so important, and we had our first baby together (which he (detail removed by moderator)).
how can i get over the fact that my community will never ever accept me again. how men will not give me time of day now because i am ‘used goods’.
i am okay looking.. but not absolutely stunning and being with my ex has caused me to feel ugly to the point where i am (detail removed by moderator).
i was in the marriage for not too long but as a south asian woman i am more likely to be judged how do i get over this?
19th September 2021 at 3:15 pm #131640KIP.Participant
As human beings we crave what is normal to us, even if that normal has become violence and abuse and when we lose what feels normal it can be really distressing. It’s going to take time to get this out of your system and make a new normal for you. Also, abusers make themselves our world so when they go we have a huge empty void to fill and that also takes time. Don’t look to these men for validation. Any man who abuses a woman gives her permission to walk away. When you married him it wasn’t to be abused and harmed in such a dreadful way. Causing that miscarriage ended his child too and that’s something he did, not you and if men in your community think it’s okay to stay with such a man then they are the ones with the problem not you. You have the right to walk away from any relationship and an even bigger right to walk from an abusive one. Don’t let his pathetic words control you. That’s what they’re designed to do x be kind to yourself x
10th February 2022 at 3:56 pm #138740AngeltakemehomeParticipant
You are not used goods. I felt like this when I was with one of my partner’s. It seems as though virginity meant a lot to you. I am assuming you are Muslim? You can get married again! If your new partner knows the whole story I am sure he won’t see you as damaged goods. Are you divorced now?
10th February 2022 at 8:56 pm #138761Twisted SisterParticipant
This belief of being ‘used goods’, its just that, a belief. If you live in the UK most of its population would not entertain such beliefs, because women’s ‘virginity’ is just another patriarchal control on women, in other words, your first time is for you, not them. This is your body, and how and who and when you give it (to) is entirely up to you, it matters not whether you have had sex before or not. I do know that some men, and women, still do cling very strongly to this belief though. A relationship is not necessarily for life, partners can be unhappy and have the freedom to walk away, which is obviously far more imperative if there’s abuse.
I am very sorry for your loss, at the hands of a man you have obviously loved. There is just no greater a betrayal of love than to be wounded, deliberately by the subject of your love, one that is supposed to love you, and respect you.
You are clearly a lovely person, very considerate and respectful. Unfortunately, he became your new ‘normal’, and when you live with abuse, as you have, it throws your mkind into a whole other mode of operating, and that is one of survival, which includes so much confusion, and out of that comes your new normal, that you love someone and don’t understand why they abuse you but to survive you have to act in certain ways to stay as safe as you can. The mind copes best when it accepts that daily live is normal, its imperative for survival, and when you come out of it, it can feel like a shock all over again, and certainly a retraining of the brain to see a different life and new normal, a healthy normal, prioritising and caring for yourself. A strange and alien feeling when you’ve previously focussed all your energy on him, how he is, keeping him happy, trying to predict moods, interpreting his words, thinking hard for correct responses, and more, its all so exhausting, and gradually, with baby steps you will start to drop those high anxiety driven thoughts as the difference in your new world incorporates itself into your life.
Look after yourself, think about you, and try to find some peace, and rest.
13th April 2022 at 7:53 pm #141840GoldenFishParticipant
Goodness gracious! You are a human bring. Your life has value. I am so sorry for the horrible experience marriage has been to you and the abuse that made you describe yourself as a product on a shelf. Let it go and let yourself heal from this trauma. It takes time but there is a long life ahead of you. There are non-Asian men in the world. Not that they are any better but they do not grow up with the mentality of damaged goods. I would suggest to find a charity where you can get emotional support from your own community and speak in your own language. You will get through this!
13th April 2022 at 8:38 pm #141842AnonymousInactive
Who you are is who you are, I can understand the feeling ugly (I spent decades feeling it) it is designed to make you feel that way to keep you under, it’s them that are ugly, ugly minded, ugly actions, ugly behaviour, ugly words, all projections of who they are projected onto us parts of themselves they won’t and can’t accept, your not ugly you may me feel and it takes a lot (and time to pick away all the brainwashing to find yourself again under the psychological rubble they’ve put on us), yes abuse changes us but we have to fight to get ourselves our confidence and self esteem back and understand it is them with the weird issues, we can get help with counselling, therapy’s, antidepressants/anti anxieties and whatever else but it’s us that needs to accept live and try and heal from it all, while your vulnerable, predators will pick up on it, that’s why we have to work on ourselves, your you there’s never gonna be another living person like you in all your entirety, you couldn’t/can’t see him as evil because your heart is too good to, maybe your still trauma bonded/he was someone that was there and now he’s not but no one who is innocent deserves this treatment, I hope one day you’ll be able to see this so the polarity will be switched in a more accurate way 🕊💗🌷
14th April 2022 at 12:45 am #141856AnonymousInactive
I think to be honest it’s the way you are brought up as in my culture and I’m (detail removed by moderator) I was brought up the same , you are to stay a virgin until you marry your husband, I wasn’t allowed boyfriends even growing up . Divorce is also frowned upon , but not in these times , in the times our parents were growing up they put these beliefs into us so that’s what we were taught , but you have to think times have moved so forward now , nobody thinks this way anymore and if they do it’s very narrow minded and you don’t want to be with someone like that anyway . I think talking to an organisation for Muslim women may help you in your thinking and understanding, we are taught to stay in these relationships or marriages otherwise no one else will want us , damage goods , but you will find all of this incorrect, you need to find your confidence again that’s all in yourself. Brainwashing you into believing all of this is wrong , you deserve better , and you don’t deserve this treatment.
16th April 2023 at 9:35 pm #157709AnonymousInactive
I am also South Asian and you are not used goods! You may want to do some reading by a journalist called Saima Mir who was divorced twice and although she and you may feel like you won’t be accepted by our community, you have got to remember that the younger generations and British Asians are a lot more liberal than the cultural outdated views. These aren’t religious views, religions are painted as patriarchal views by religious leaders (I am assuming you are a Muslim). I am not married under UK law but we had the Islamic ceremony and the amount of times he has “divorced” me but also claims that I am not a Muslim because I have homosexual friends or because I won’t be a stay at home wife/mum/slave to him.
You deserve so much better sister. I am also truly sorry for your loss. Anyone would be blessed to have a partner and mother like you who is thoughtful and considerate, don’t waste your life on someone who thinks it is okay to spit on you. My “partner” spat on me for the first time a few weeks ago and it was a real turning point for me, I know he has to leave but I am using this forum and related resources to find the best way how.
27th May 2023 at 7:42 am #158741weatherParticipant
Your story resonated with mien. The only difference is that I escaped a forced marriage as a teenager to only end up in an abusive one with someone that I had my many first occasions with. I wasn’t a virgin when I got married, but I’d never been on a proper holiday or even eaten at a proper restaurant until I was in a relationship with an abusive racist n********t. Yes, this is what these people are, they feed off your empathic qualities, and the scares leave you feeling worthless. I felt so worthless when I initially left my husband and had also like yourself lost children. It’s such a trauma, and it takes a lot of courage to withstand family members and community members to finally leave. I’m hoping that you find some form of comfort and please keep sharing your story. Take care, Weather.
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