Love alone or not to live alone

[Janedoeissad]

When I first left him I thought “screw everyone, I’m going to live alone”.

I’ve calmed since then but this feeling of wanting to live alone hasn’t gone away. It’s evolved so I have rational, reasonable reasons for wanting to do so.

Do those who live alone feel it helped or hindered with healing?

I go out with friends often so I wouldn’t be lonely.

I’m scared I’m going to isolate myself. Am I just avoiding conflict and compromise?

Although my first feeling is that living alone, living by MY rules. Would be a gift to myself. It would be nice to come 1st, always. If only for a little while.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Jane,

It’s great to read about your journey as I remember when you were still with him, you’ve done brilliantly. I say go with your gut. It sounds like you currently have a calling to go within, be alone, and that’s absolutely ok. You could always try it out for a few months renting then move in with a group if you decide it’s not for you.

I live alone now with my cat and love it. I do get lonely at times, but for some reason it’s usually when I go out or after I’ve gone out and haven’t connected with anyone. Most of the time by myself I feel quite peaceful. I’m an introvert so living with a lot of other people tends to be difficult for me unless they are respectful and have a similar lifestyle and even then it can be challenging at times depending on the people. By living alone you don’t have to worry about any of that stuff, you can make it your space, with your rules, which I love.

For me it is has definitely helped the healing process. A youtube abuse-recovery coach says if you are lonely, it’s a good time to go within and sit with the feeling, embrace it. She talks about how being alone can help with the healing as it enables us to do the inner recovery work. Because of loneliness fears we can have a craving to get into a new relationship, and I think this period of alone time can help make it stronger and healthier before getting involved with anyone again, if that makes sense. Kind of like a coccoon of healing for a period of time.

That’s my view on it anyway. I don’t want to be alone forever, although I’m starting to make peace with the possibility that I might be, because it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person, or worse, with an abuser. I agree about the dangers of isolation, but it doesn’t sound like you’d be doing that as you have friends. Listen to that voice within, the inner guide, and she will tell you what you need to do. 🙂

[Tiffany]

I probably wouldn’t live alone, even if I had a choice. I am used to living with flatmates, and am even finding living back with my parents ok. But I know that I am happier around other people, that socialising energises me, and that too much time in my own head makes me unwell and unhappy. I think it depends so much on your personality. My best mate from uni is also back at her parents (different circumstances) and says when she moves out she wants to live alone. Having lived with her I think it might be the best plan – she likes control of her environment, she finds negotiating communal chores stressful, and she needs space to recharge after socialising. None of this is due to her experiences (beyond finding flatmates stressful) so I would say if you think it is the right thing for you it probably is. Then again, I know your living situation is less than ideal, so I wouldn’t necessarily turn down a flatsharing option if it presents itself. So long as you like your flatmates and have a space within the flat which you like and which is solely yours.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks ladies. I appreciate your perspectives.

I am an introvert by nature and do enjoy long periods of time alone. So I think that I would enjoy living alone for that reason. Plus I’ve never ever done it so I feel like it would be a voyage of discovery. It would be nice to have the space to figure out who I am and what I want. And it wouldn’t necessarily be a permanent thing.

However, I have always lived with people and enjoyed it. I am thinking maybe I feel this way because I do not enjoy where I am living now.

Tiffany, I am trying to be open about sharing space with at least one person but I would have to feel 100% comfortable with them and trust them. I was always wary of people before my Ex and now I feel more wary than ever. I’ve always been the “weird one” (bit of a nerd, very quiet and incredibly socially awkward) and if I feel judged for it, I can not stay in that environment.

I think I am going to see what is out there. And only move if I am comfortable.

[Tiffany]

I would say that if you are going down the flatmate route that I would make sure just to get a very short let, which you can extend if it goes well. But absolutely don’t move in with someone if you don’t feel comfortable.

[SunshineRainflower]

I don’t see living alone as negative at all, in fact I’d be gutted if I had to live with anyone apart from my future partner (if he exists!). I do agree that personality is a factor, people who prefer more of a communal way of living might struggle living alone.

As an introvert it is ideal, nothing like having the kitchen to yourself to cook up delicious nourishing meals and cosy bakes. Plus decorating it your own way, nobody elses mess or clutter to have to put up with and the bathroom all to yourself for long pampering sessions.

For me I fell in love with my new place at first sight after looking round 11 in total – you could arrange to look round several and just notice how it makes you feel. I was scared when I first moved in (mainly of spiders!!) but love the peace and tranquility here now. I think you said you had pets so you wouldnt be alone anyway, you’d be creating your own little family unit. Don’t feel you have to do what anyone else tells you, just go with your intuition and it will lead you in the right direction. Good luck with your search, it all sounds v positive.

[Ayanna]

I have been living alone for a few years now.
I am unable to live with anyone.
I cannot bear the thought of waking up in the morning and seeing another person around, someone to use the same bathroom and kitchen, to leave their traces in the property.
It would be a nightmare for me to enter the property and see someone else’s shoes and coats in the hallway, or a bag of someone else’s shopping, or anything that belongs to another person.
I cannot imagine how I would feel if I heard another person’s voice or they would want to hold a conversation with me.
I would probably yell until the walls collapse around me.
I struggle when I need repair men to fix faults in the property.
I have to sit in a corner and stare at the TV until they are gone.
I cannot bear the presence of another human being where I live. The place has to be solely for myself alone … and cats.

[Author]

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