Love bombing

[Macarena]

I managed to get (now my ex-partner) out of the house a while ago so he’s not living here anymore. For the whole duration, we’ve been on and off, him staying over to help with our little one, we went to trips away together, etc. All the time him using every opportunity to press me to move back into the property or get me to be physical with him.

When he moved out, even if I was identified as of medium risk by authorities, I enabled him into my life under the condition we can work things through, for example him acknowledging his behaviour, and then slowly work up a plan to get back together. However, I now realise how manipulative he’s been – in all the time he’s threatened to move away (so I’ll be on my own with no childcare and struggle to juggle with work), to be with other women and stuff. Constantly swinging between being super nice to very angry.

Recently, I found he’s been with other women whilst claiming I was the love of his life and subsequently blaming me for his behaviour as apparently I didn’t give him what he needs. I just had enough. I made new friends and I started opening up to what I’ve been though and my goodness, this has been so liberating and empowering to do so. However, he’s been love bombing me excessively. Usually, his behaviour will swing every couple of weeks or so but this time he’s been super nice for few weeks – gifts, numerous text messages, calls, crying and drama whenever he sees me (uses handovers usually). I ask him to stop at least once daily but he never does. I even said I’ll need to report to police if he doesn’t stop (he doesn’t). I end up being triggered by him and cry as I find this very difficult to cope with.

Has anyone been through this? How did you handle it? I’ve been to the police historically few times and I find the whole process so overwhelming. Getting a restrain order is an option but I’d like to think there’s other ways I can try first. Problem is, I started dating a new man – very, very early stage and approaching this extremely slowly. He has no clue and I want to keep things low key as I want to deal with this mess first. However, I’m genuinely concerned what will happen if my child’s dad finds out and I seem to be ruminating and having anxiety about this a lot. Any advice will be much welcomed! Thank you!

[Lisa]

Hi,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you have described is the cycle of domestic abuse. it can go from love bombing to the abusive behaviour starting again.

Even if it feels like he is being “super nice” what you have described is stalking and harassment behaviour- whether that is in the form of gifts or messages- it is still unwanted contact and must feel very pressuring for you. Its all about him wanting that power and control.

The best way to deal with abusive men is to limit the contact as much as possible-perhaps having someone with you at handovers so you aren’t by yourself with him? boundaries are really important and you have every right to set them.

You can access free online courses created by or in partnership with therapists specialising in trauma at Bloom. These courses can be accessed in your own time and at your own pace and cover topics such as trauma, abuse and boundaries.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Macarena]

I really appreciate the response.

Sadly, there’s no one that can be with me at handovers and the unwanted behaviour is continuing in other ways, including sending me emails and stuff. I’ve asked him yet again today to stop and I’m coming to the realisation it probably won’t and I need some help.

Would anyone be able to give me some guidance on what’s the best way to go about this? Do I go to the local DA team? The police already asked him not to come to the house unannounced and he’s already been here few times despite that. I really need to speak to someone and do this, and I finally feel brave enough to stop this once and for all. Any advice will be much appreciated.

[Lisa]

Hello Macarena,

A good first step for support could be to contact your local domestic abuse service, you can find the details for them here: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/womens-aid-directory/

You might want to consider the option of a non-molestation order to stop him from contacting and harassing you. DV Assist are a good organisation to connect with in regards to this. https://www.dvassist.org.uk/

I’m sure other users will have more advice for you as well.

Take care and keep posting.

Lisa

[Author]

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