Love bombing children

[iliketea]

Any ideas on how to deal with this? He’s started not turning up for contact and then next day or few days later, randomly leaving them extravagant gifts outside my house as a surprise for them. He’s told them he might do this if he doesn’t see them (usually makes them feel bad by saying (removed by moderator)…) so now when he cancels at the last minute they’re upset but then seem to forget pretty quickly after there’s a present. I intercepted the first one and felt physically sick when I opened it and read the card. It threw me right back to when he did that to me, no apology, just the present. Classic love bombing to hoover them back in. What do I do about it? I hate the idea of them being manipulated in this way. I just don’t know what to say. The first one I put most of it in the bin and tore up the card. I also really don’t like the idea of him being anywhere near the house when he’s not meant to be – i.e. for dropping or picking up times. Can I do anything about that? The non-mol has long expired – its horrible to think he could be just about to turn up the whole b****y time. I feel like I’m being watched. I’ve lost my privacy. I’m sure it is probably the intention as well. Any ideas how to handle this? Practical steps to take to protect the children from the love bombing and to get my privacy back? Thanks.x

[Lisa]

Hi iliketea,

Any on-going concerns you have regarding your ex-partner’s behaviour around child contact and in general, do speak to your local domestic abuse service and explain. They may have links to good legal advice too. Often they have support for children and young people affected by domestic abuse, so this may be an option for them to get some specialist support around how they are being affected.

The Coram Children’s Legal Centre provide free legal resources with advice and information on all aspects of family, child and education law, including relationship breakdown; parental disputes, duties of children’s services; child protection. They can be contacted on 0300 330 5480 (10am-4pm, Mon-Fri) and through their webchat service (8:30am-5:30pm Mon-Fri).

Rights of Women are a voluntary organisation offering free, confidential legal advice on matters including family law, domestic abuse, children and child contact issues. Their Family law advice line can advise around domestic abuse; divorce, finances, cohabitation and property in relationship breakdown; parental responsibility and child arrangements.

I hope this is useful to you.

Take care,

Lisa

[iliketea]

Thanks, I know we cant ask about legal things so I was asking on a more practical level, as in how to help the children, how to prepare them for this behaviour, any books, videos, films, there must be some way to protect children and talk to them about this type of behaviour. If Id known about it maybe I wouldn’t have been in the mess I got into with him in the first place. Like do I give them the gifts? How do I talk to them about him being so c**p and then hoovering them with gifts.
I’m already linked with all agencies locally thank you.
x

[Lifebegins]

Hi @iliketea, I haven’t been on here for a while and then saw your post today. Again we’re encountering similar behaviours at the same time.

Slightly different circs. My child isn’t seeing ex by their own decision. And they’re old enough to decide now. I’ve been able to cut all contact with ex and his toxic family and it’s been a massive weight off my shoulders. And both me and my child are in a much happier place.

Of course my ex can’t have that so after all this time since we separated, he’s now taken to posting gifts through my door for my child. He contacts them first to get the ok. I let it go first (detail removed by Moderator) times but the latest time I said to my child I don’t want him coming to the house so be nice about it but advise he can post them, put money in your account etc but don’t give him the ok to come the house. Of course my child knows exactly what their dad is like having been on the receiving end of his abuse and I’ve had a lot of open conversations about abusive behaviours so they are aware of what they are and understand the manipulation behind them. Sadly they tell me they are happier without my ex in their life but why should they go without gifts.

I guess that’s a little what you’re kids are feeling. Sad he doesn’t turn up but at least they got a present. My ex used to do the not turning up and my child has now told me that they did hold that against him because nothing should be more important to him than their child.
It’s rejection of them and even presents don’t make up for it. What I did was everytime my ex didn’t turn up, I made a big fuss of my child saying ooh it’s great we get to spend extra time together and then do something nice with them instead. That’s the best present you can give them – you, your time and your love. And they know you never let them down.

I think it was WantsToHelp said a long time ago, kids start to see the behaviours for themselves and mine certainly has. I really struggled on if it was right to discuss the abuse with my child. I finally did and I’m glad I did but they were old enough to understand and had been on the receiving end and I needed for them to protect themselves.

My advice would be let them have the gifts, they are probably feeling a bit rejected by him whatever reason he’s giving and whatever gifts he’s gives them, but politely ask him to post rather than drop off. And carry on being the brilliant mum you are and make his non appearance up to them by giving them you and do something fun together. No presents needed.

Keep strong hun and sending you a big virtual hug 🤗 xx

[Lifebegins]

And forgot to say, should he be problematic about posting them, he can get them delivered! He should only be coming to your home to collect kids at time agreed not any other.

[Author]

Posts