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I’m completely drained and have had enough of being in this relationship. He’s emotionally abusive and every time I try to leave he love bombs massively, saying that he will change this time and that he’ll do anything, he’ll even get help to stop being the way he is. This time round is different as I realised I couldn’t leave on my own I needed support as I have a baby, so now social services are involved, but last night I managed to be straight up with him and say I didn’t want to be with him anymore and that it wasn’t going to change but even when I’m straight up he just wouldn’t leave off, he just wouldn’t let me break up with him. Social services are going to give me support in leaving him but he keeps acting like we’re still together and like everything is great, but It just makes me feel guilty cos I don’t want to be in this anymore, how does anyone deal with love bombing when trying to leave, I just feel so guilty in the end and so emotionally worn out I just give up. x
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This is very common, it does exactly what you’re experiencing and keeps you hooked in with hope and false promises. My tip is to watch their actions not the words. Write things down. I realised I’d had the same text each year of our relationship word for word almost promising change, promising to stop drinking/taking drugs, be a better dad/partner and because of that I’d stay. But nothing did change for long, he always reverted to type x
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Sadly there’s no reasoning with them, they don’t act logically or fairly. He’s going to be unhappy whatever you suggest and he’s going to throw every trick in the book to keep you locked in, so focus on what you want/need. Educate yourself on abusive behaviour, if you haven’t already read Lundy Bancroft’s book ‘why does he do that’ or Pat Craven’s book ‘living with the dominator’ then do, check out the freedom programme, dr Ramani on YouTube, narcabusecoach on Instagram. It’ll go against your natural instincts but i hope this all helps x
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Hi OP – reading your post is like reading my own story!
I left a while back to stay in refuge and, stupidly, decided to come back as he said all the right things. Since being back, I realised I wasn’t happy being in this marriage anymore and told him I wanted to separate…TWICE! I even said some things that, for most people, would be the absolute deal breaker and they would accept that it’s over. However, he managed to talk me back into staying and working on things. Now, the things I said when I was trying to leave, he uses against me when things get a bit heated.
Also got a baby girl to protect…I’ve got an amazing support network so, theoretically, could leave any time, but he won’t let me. Reading this post and replies has helped me today though…looks like I’ll be leaving behind his back in the New Year. -
Hey,
This is very common.
They won’t willingly let you leave.
Can social services help you leave without him knowing?
I know this sounds callous, but it is the advice that is given to women fleeing abusive relationships.
Once you tell them you are leaving, they can become dangerous, escalate and will do everything in their power to make you stay.Do not tell him your escape plan.
Also, do you have a local domestic abuse service you can contact alongside social services?
I found my local domestic abuse service very helpful.Once you are out, expect love bombing even more, plus guilttripping.
He will say he can’t live without you, he may become unwell with a mystery illness, he may lose his job because of no support from you.
Those are just a few examples.Once I didn’t fall for all that, my ex soon dusted himself off and is doing all sorts of things he said HD could only do with my support!!
Stay strong, the leaving and staying away part is challenging, you will feel all kinds of emotions.
Read some books, Pat Craven the Dominator and Lundy Bancroft Why he does that are really good books.
Keep posting, stay safe x*x
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