low

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

I had a friend coming round tonight, it was really nice to see her.
But when she left, and it is not her fault at all, I started feeling really low. One thing followed another in my head and it went on and on. I poured myself a glass of wine to numb the pain.

I am searching for answers and the more I look and the more lost I feel. I wonder about cognitive dissonance playing its tricks on me again as I start crying wondering why I had to leave, spend so much money on getting a place, following the advice of the family psychotherapist who I felt was telling me off the day I explained what had happened again, telling me I would be deemed an irresponsible parent if I didn’t do a thing about ”it”, ie what happened. The past replays in my head and I feel cheated on, like the person I spent so many decades with was a false facade, and though I felt it wasn’t right, I did nothing about it, accumulating years of living together actually NOT living together, rather more like living in my head, dodging one event after another, minimising them all for the sake of not rocking the boat, playing the role of wife and mother to keep us all together with me acting like the peacemaker, the homemaker, the smiler, the wife and mother, the one who adapted and repaired what he would break ie trust, love, faith in the future, everything.

In the meantime, he got drunk, broke pictures (even his kids’ pictures), turned frames upside down, removed objects he bought for me, hid in his x room, texted, reappearing to wee then went again, ruined celebrations, spoke inappropriate things, never seemed to be on the same wavelength, there was never any emotional availability to share my troubles or dreams or concerns or hopes or delights. I would be accused, out of the blue during the times when I dared share something that I repeat myself, just because I added one detail. He would not answer a straight question with a straight answer, like ”where are you going”, it would always be ”oh somewhere, I’ll tell you later”, it didn’t matter how many times I would ask, the answer was always absurd like that…It used to drive me crazy…

I listen to videos about narcissitic abuse, on a loop, one after the other, and they all make sense. I hear about gaslighting, projections, shame, attachment trauma, lack of empathy, cognitive dissonance, circular conversations, shift replies, n**********c fuel and rage and wound, it ALL clicks like this is my life with him, from the moment I met him to the days I am living right now.

I am now suspecting that he is turning my children into copies of himself, I can’t say a thing to them without an explosion taking place and I have to keep my conversations to a minimum and to basic facts of life and know my limits. Even asking about what they have eaten is almost off limits because I cannot afford to insinuate a single emotion, reaction, opinion, discerning comment, absolutely nothing is allowed once it announces a thing about me and my thoughts. And it is getting worse by the day.

So I basically don’t see much of my children any more, I don’t feel like popping round, I hate having to go back to fetch some of my belongings etc. I have taken the decision to avoid going there if I can. No one comes to see me. They live at home with him and that’s it.

So abusers, once you leave them and they still have the kids living with them, eventually get what they want, don’t they? They take away from you the core of who you are, the mother. And that’s why I feel so bad. I try to combat negative feelings about this situation with positive thoughts to counteract the effects such feelings have on me, and I also try to remind myself of the piece of advice given in one of those videos on n**********c abuse, ie if emotions engulf you, ride with them, let them take you over and allow them to come to their own end. I do, but it is so painful.

Another thing I have noticed happening to me is how I view men. I attend Al Anon meetings and one of the gentlemen there seems to like me, he has started texting me and I feel uneasy. But the point I am trying to make is I am happy to actively see him as a threat, a typical man (if there is such a thing!), a pathetic creature I want to treat with total disdain, and that makes me feel so guilty. This poor man is probably caring and wants to make sure I am ok, having heard about my horrible stories, but I can’t help feeling like I want to hate him just as I hate my husband. I project my hatred onto him and it is wrong. Who am I to treat people like that, ignoring his texts, and mainly thinking the things I think deep down in my head…? What I mean is I have feelings of disdain, ignorant attitude, pure warning to myself and self protection, like a wall building around me to push away any man attempting to reach me for any reason. All men represent a total threat to me and I cannot push this feeling away.

I started crying, as I watched a film on tv tonight, and I felt really low. I am alone in this new place I rent, and my kids are with him. Why? They don’t come, one of them said to me he would come when he feels like it and that hurt…I receive texts from one of my children (the one under psychotherapy) that are abusive telling me off for organising x to sort his health needs out. His father does the same. Another child called me w****o, crazy, l*****c, telling me this horrible ”I don’t care” I hear so often. I find it hard not to retaliate at times. I see evil in the children’s behaviours/language and spoken views, statements.

I feel useless, stupid, irrational, always needing to watch how I feel, what I feel, how to combat doom and gloom and fear and distrust of myself. The damage done is so deep rooted, so extensive, so alarming I have started having suicidal visions. I get the feeling life is not worth living. Those visions don’t last long, a few seconds at a time, but they are there. It is frightening. (detail removed by Moderator) I see people like tonight, but I don’t feel connected one bit. I compose a presence, but I am not there in the moment. I feel I cannot give anything to any one, I have nothing to offer.

It will pass, hopefully.

I receive texts blaming me for wanting to divorce, texts sent on purpose to emotionally manipulate me into negative thinking and fear. Finances, kids, the home we possess, the future, jobs, everything is used in subtle statements to make me feel the triggers. And I do. It shows how much our minds are possessed by these abusers, they command our subconscious like magic puppeteers…

I won’t sleep again tonight, but at least I will have put into words the feelings I experience at the moment, hoping someone can recognise them and help me. I help no one at the moment and I feel bad about that. I feel selfishly immersed in me, myself and I!! I feel useless.

[Nova]

Hi…I’m awake and reading your post and feeling your pain. I understand…we understand & I want you to know your a brave woman up against it..needing some support, we all do sometimes more than others and that’s ok, to get us through.
Your saying many many things that I identify with, all those mind bending tactics,which feel torturous & so so painful

Please BJiF at least call WA for some support & The Samaritans for a listening ear.

Let it all out, talking, write it down ..whatever feels right..keep posting your thoughts, with help to get through these times.

..you genuinely help women like me by speaking the truth.
It helps me articulate what happenend, sending good vibes to you brave lady 🌸

Big big hugs C X

[White Rose]

Dear Bridget
I don’t know what to say to make you feel better. I can sympathise with you and identify with so much of what you say. However, I can’t imagine how it must hurt you when your children treat you badly too. I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away.
Can you try to focus on something positive? To try to ease away from your distress? Bake yourself a cake, buy some flowers or some nice toiletries (or both!)
Do you want the company of this man over a coffee or a walk or are you assuming he’s the same as your ex? He may be one of the genuine ones? Is it his contact thats disturbed your equilibrium – made you think about things maybe a little too much and that’s brought back the bad memories.
As Cuppa said you really do help by speaking the truth and being open. Hopefully by posting you might have got some of it out or your system and maybe feel a bit better today.
I hope the sun shines where you are today. Look after yourself you are important to lots of people and definitely have a place in my thoughts x*x

[White Rose]

And just a thought to hopefully make you smile.
PANTS!
Ages ago I replied to something on a post that I think had been started about lingerie… it ended up with a reference to Bridget Jones BIG pants. You came in with an amusing dig at me which made me smile at the time!
So…… if you do meet this man…..even for a coffee……….????…..
Enough said, it might be censored by Lisa if I write more 😉😉😂😂 xxxxx

[KIP.]

Hey there. I made the mistake of defining myself as a mother. My son is older now and chooses not to contact me. I can see he is angry as he now has to deal,with his father on his own! My door is always open and he’s always welcome but there are boundaries that are now set. Give the situation time. It’s all very new and raw but go no contact with your husband. Let the solicitors deal with him. You don’t need triggers ❤️

[Serenity]

KIP is right, being in contact with him and going to the house are triggering.

Focus on building yourself up. Your kids need to reflect upon things and make sense of it all, and I think the best way is to give them time whilst you build yourself up.

Don’t condone abuse from them. Remain assertive and calm and let them know you are happy to have them any time, but you won’t tolerate bad treatment.

Focus on building yourself up brick by brick- a wonderful cup of tea in the sun, a meditation exercise, a completed project, coffee with a positive person…make sure to insert such happinesses into your life every day. x

[Confused123]

Hi HUn

JUst wanted tos send u a hug of support, it so painful when our kids saty with them instead of us, i cant relate to much as my boys are with me but i did go through stages where my eldest wanted to be with him, i would def say going tot he house will send triggers off for u, continuing speaaking tous ladies on here to release the pain, we thinkonce we leave our abusers the pain will go away, but recovery can be painful too, i chose to start walking again when i left ex, it just helped me clear my head , i had days where i just wanted to drink and forget but my friends supported me not to take that path and soem how handle the pain, if you kids make rude comments i would say i do not accept being talked to rudely and when they remember their manners to contact u

[wakingup]

I am totally with you. And together we’ll all ride the storm. I too had suicidal thoughts. I just wanted to end the hurt. But then i knew i couldnt put my parents through losing another child. I knew i had to get rid of my wish bone and put my back bone in its place where it belonged. I’m scared, petrified because I have a long way to go and it’s only just started. But I’m hoping being here with all you amazing strong women will Hey me through. Hey Bridge, keep strong, keep focused and keep wearing big knickers.

[Author]

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