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I can’t do this anymore, I can’t live with him like this, can’t live without him, can’t live with myself, I think there’s a theme there. I have a go and he turns it all on me, I point this out to him and he still convinces me its me it doesn’t even matter who’s right, because the pattern will remain the same and I just hurt (mostly in my head) all the time, arguing results in him getting intimidating and I have to fight to be heard and in the end none of it matters because I can’t see a way out of my problems neither with or without him. Just had enough of this facade we call life x
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I understand you had enough, an abusive life is no life. There is better out there for you. You totally can live without him you’ll see. There is support to guide you, help you with your next steps, you do not have to do any of it alone.
Can you call the helpline to start with and just talk with them?
If you can try to not let his words get into your head, think of his words as being one lie after another – which they totally are – you can’t believe a liar can you.
When you have a quiet moment for yourself, ask yourself what do you wish to do? You know without his voice being in your head.
He is highly manipulative, he’s psychologically abusing you, mentally, with words, with arguments, with intimation, this is not right, you deserve so much better.
Keep posting honey sending you a big hug, breathe in deeply and if you can take it easy for today 💕 -
Thank you HLJ for your comments, i called samaritans but ended up feeling worse, i don’t know what i want to do, thats the problem, can’t figure out if it is me and my baggage causing the issues or if it is really him. he responds to me in the ways that he does but never really initiates that behaviour, as such. i am having to be at work and i am struggling to keep the facade going, keep making plans to end it all, and regretting not being able to do that today, but also there are a few things i wanted to do, but realistically cant think of how i can live happily either way. x
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Hi there, ask yourself one question, are you happy. Not being happy in a relationship is grounds enough to leave it. once you take that step things become so much clearer, the fog of abuse begins to lift.
Look up fog of abuse and cycle of abuse, start journaling how he makes you feel, see if you caen see a pattern emerging. Its all well and good someone telling you to leave, but if the thought of that terrifies you, you know you’re in an abusive relationship. Have you contacted women’s aid or even spoken to your doctor yet? It took me a few times but I eventually opened up send she’s been amazing ever since. She said that she was there for my mental health as well as my physical health and it finally was okay to start talking to her.
Keep posting and reading others posts, knowledge is power
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞 -
thank you, but i dont feel safe to do any of that, all my time is accounted for, and he apparently has the ability to track all my activities, including this, should he want to, he has also said that couciling will not work for me, as it just masks my real issues, i have said this too, good at tricking myself and councillers in the past
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If you get a good therapist then trying to trick her becomes part of the therapy. I do it myself I can’t help it. Trying to tie them up in knots so I feel like I’m in control of the situation. I went to counselling to deal with this stuff and straight away I was upgraded to trauma therapy so maybe it’s the type of therapy that’s no good for you. I hope you’re ok. Try to keep going with your head held high, you deserve it.
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Take a step back. Cut him right out your thought process and start a secret journal. Your life/work/thoughts/behaviour I’m quite sure are all normal and non abusive. It’s when you bring his dysfunction into your life that the confusion begins. That’s what abusers do and being low and confused is what abuse does. It makes us feel helpless. The one common denominator in the problems in your life is him. One hundred percent him. He is the source of your problems and at the moment youre simply dealing with the symptoms. Not the actual cause. Can you get away and stay with friends or family for a couple weeks to let your head clear. While you’re trying to tackle his behaviour you won’t have the headspace to work it all out x it’s extremely difficult to see the truth when we are traumatised. It’s also extremely difficult to accept the truth x
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Thank you ladies for your comments, i am not ok though, i just can’t be bothered anymore, my work is suffering because i cant focus, i cant make my mind up, dont want to rock the boat, but i think its passed that, if i make an enemy out of him, my life and those of the people i care about will be unbearable for however long it lasts, and i owe him a lost of money, i can’t go anywhere or talk to anyone or do anything other than work. he says its me thats put myself in this situation, i argued with him yesterday, and it got very nasty, though apparently i havent seen violence yet, although i hurt today. i cant leave refuge or anything like that, its not necessary if i keep him on side, and he would find me, also family wouldnt be safe. just exhausted
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Hi, all we can do is take baby steps away from them,whatever way that is. Can you speak to your doctor,even just give them a note. No one will do anything without your permission. Mine was very good at telling me I hadn’t seen him angry, where I so obviously had. Had no idea what he was capable of. When the fear of staying is greater than the fear of leaving, that’s when you have to leave. It’s the hardest thing to do standing up to a bully, but your moment will come. You are so much stronger than you know and more importantly then what he knows. Once you manage to stand up to him, your confidence will begin to grow. Keep posting when you can. Try and journal the abuse, how it makes you feel, if there were any witnesses,time and date. Slowly build up a case against him, whether it goes to court or not its knowledge that you have that once you’re away, will keep you strong and safe.
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Hi clearthemurkywaters,
I’m so so sorry to hear about what you’re going through and how you’re feeling. Just to reiterate what the women on here have been saying you absolutely deserve better and you’re not alone in this.
It can be really difficult to see a way out when you’re feeling so trapped and low, but you will have some options; it’s just about figuring out what the best one is for you, and when you feel strong enough/ ready get as much support as possible to leave; you don’t have to try and do everything by yourself.
Please keep posting to let us know how you get on,
Lisa,
Forum Moderator -
Can you go and speak to your GP? Book a double appointment so you have proper space to talk. If he gets suspicious tell him you’re going for a smear or something. Perhaps they could arrange a follow up for you with a domestic abuse worker and you could pretend you’re going back to GP for follow up?
I know it feels so hard right now. Don’t give up. There is hope. You don’t have to live this way. Issues or no issues this man is making things 100x worse from you and you need help.
Please keep posting ❤️ -
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Thank you everyone so much for your support, i was just feeling very low yesterday and lost, though im still going through something, i have now made contact with WA and have a worker who is going to help me sort through everything, because i cant keep feeling the way im feeling, and yet having to act all normal to everyone. I do have things i want to live for, but my motivation is very low, and its also a point of contention in the relationship. I really do appreciate all your comments, it does really help being here.
Thank you so much for your understanding xx -
I’m so glad you’re feeling differently today. It’s important to remind yourself in dark time’s that they pass and you’ve made it through then before. I’m really pleased you have reacted out fit support. You can get through this. You need help while things feel overwhelming. It can make us completely freeze or break down.
If you can safely tell lies to get out of your husband’s way then do it. Have to care for a friend/family member?
Take care -
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Hi there and that’s great to hear. It’s the worst scariest thing to do because when you speak about it to someone in authority that makes it real, to be believed even when you can’t get the words out, it’s such a relief. I’m so pleased you took that step and remember noone will make you do anything you don’t want to. Xx
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