Low moment …

[Ayanna]

I looked through some old pictures. Some of the pictures were taken when he was really cruel and awful towards me.
The pictures do not tell that. I have a smile on all of them. I tried so hard in this relationship.
I once said that he was the love of my life and I think that is really true.
I wonder what he wanted from me.
He had not much to offer, except that he was very good looking and I accepted him the way he was.
He had so much to criticize about me.
I tried to look at the pictures as neutral as I could.
Actually, I was good looking too, probably more than him. I had so much going for myself.
I fell for his charm and looks.
With my hippie attitude I never put much weight on possessions and did not mind that his material background was by far lesser than mine. We had a lot in common, in the beginning of the relationship …
I was so happy when we first met. I still remember everything, all our conversations.
We got engaged quickly. He seemed to love me truly. He did everything in his power to make me happy.
After we married things turned sour gradually. Some months after the wedding it started, his mood swings, he telling me that I was fat. The pictures of this time show that I was very slim and absolutely pretty. It makes me sad that I believed him when he said that I was fat and not good looking. He began to shout at me and punch me around …
These memories are so painful.
I could not believe what happened. I refused to believe it, I closed my eyes, I ignored it, I loved him too much to see the truth.
I think the hurt comes out now, some time after everything is done and dealt with.
I never grieved over my marriage. Maybe I begin to grieve now. It is not a good feeling and I do not need it right now.
I now understand what he did and how bad he abused me. The pictures are the proof that it was abuse and there was no fault with me.
What I cannot understand and will never find out is why he was not proud of me. We could have had a beautiful life and he would not have had anything to worry about. Instead he injured me and destroyed me and eventually ruined our marriage.
I will get back on my feet. This is just a matter of time. I will live again. I can live with a damaged body. My mind is most important to heal.
I wonder whether he regrets what he did. I wonder whether he misses the good life that we had together.
But why do I bother. He is a worthless piece of sh…
I just cannot see myself ever dating again. Even the mere thought of a man coming close to me gives me shivers of horror.
I think for the rest of my life I will be scared that a man will kill me in my sleep and will dispose of my body in a place where I will never be found. This fear sits so deep that a relationship becomes an unthinkable thought.
News about husbands killing their sick wives are the confirmation that this fear is reasonable, since I have health issues. And regarding the ex, I was scared to death that he would kill me in my sleep towards the end of the relationship when he was very upset with me for reasons that were hidden to me. I only feel safe when I am all by myself with all the doors and windows locked.

[SaharaD]

Hi Ayanna

I feel and think some of the same things.

The physical abuse was not extensive. It was more the psychological impact that I struggle with.

I feel relatively safe most of the time but sometimes I get gripped in a horrendous paranoia which literally cripples me for days. I can’t go outside. I hide away from the world.

I date but it’s almost like I’m a different person. They see a carbon copy of me. I’m very careful about giving them really personal information. I have nothing to do with them emotionally.

I think I still have a lot of pain and it has been a few years now. I think people like me (BPD/EUPD) we love deeply, we care deeply, we are loyal to a fault but hurt, neglect and betrayal cut right to the very core and literally disable us for long periods of time.

I’ve been low this week( self neglect, suicidal and self harm thoughts and paranoia) but I seem to becoming out of it. It’s exhausting.

[Ayanna]

Hugs, SaharaD, I am glad you get out of your low. When I feel that I need to harm myself I also think that I will not let him win and abandon the thoughts again. It can be difficult to resist and in such situations I drink a glass of wine, which sends me to sleep straight away for at least one hour. When I wake up I usually have lost the urge to harm myself. These episodes are not so frequent anymore as they used to be.
Do you feel it is good for you to date men?
I feel I am better off staying away from them entirely.
My life is very peaceful like that and all I have to deal with are my past and my health issues. This is much lesser than what I had to deal with only a few months ago. I had the traumatizing court hearings and a horrible job.
I find men very irritating. Most of them have views that are different from mine and I cannot be bothered to discuss anything with them. Also do even the ugly and scruffy ones think they are good looking. Their attention seeking behavior puts me off big time. I just do not want to have anything to do with them on a personal level.
I also lock myself away from the world for days at times. I think my brain was in overdrive for too long. The peace and quietness that I have in my home helps me to recharge. I have no idea how long I will prefer this secluded way of life. It has been going on for a long time already. I have not been like this before I met the abuser. Now that spring comes and the birds are more at my window they will entertain me again. They are sometimes the only living beings I interact with. They know me and they come very close and play with me. I have also tamed a squirrel, that reminds me when I forget to put the nuts out for them.

[missgiddypants]

OMG ladies ,I too hit a low point last night just at the point Ayanna wrote on here ,went upstairs and collapsed in a heap on my bed sobbing my heart out ,had been watching Tv all eve but went into could not be bothered mode couldn’t be bothered to make myself any tea couldn’t be bothered having a bath ,I have had problems at work this week ,cos of what I do I have more than one job as I just do a few hours at different places ,another lady and I have been covering for someone off work ,what I do is manual ,this lady has not been doing her fair share of the work load ,sometimes not doing stuff so leaving it to me to pick up so I asked the boss to write out a plan for us dividing the work equally which he did ,she starts after me so he talked to me about it and then her ,she asked why I had gone to him ,she said we could have sorted it ourselves we are adults ,then not speak to me for a few days ,then yesterday my beloved camper failed its MOT and I not understand what is written on the failure certificate ..
I too find men irritating ,their belief that they are always right ,had this only recently with guy at one of my other jobs ,he was so arrogant ,if I said anything he not like he wouldn’t speak to me ,why is it when you stand up to folk they not speak to you .it’s hard being on your own but so much better than putting up with c**p from men xx

[Ayanna]

Oh Missgiddypants, I hope you feel better today.
I could not be bothered to go outside although the sun makes the day so beautiful.
Sometimes everything goes wrong at the same time. That makes life even harder as it is already.
Still enjoy your Sunday and forget about work. x*x

[Osie]

Hi all. Hope you are all starting to feel a bit better today. The damage these men cause us to continue to abuse ourselves as we don’t need them to do it anymore as we do it to ourselves. It may be helpful to write down positive things about ourselves and when we have these low moments it is the positive statements we focus on not the abusive ones and see if it helps. We are good people who have been exposed to the bad we have the ability to remove them from our lives for those of us who have left and learn about the men we do not want in the future. Hope this helps

[Ayanna]

You are right. I began to count my blessings. There are many. The stress of the abuse and hurt sits in my brain so deep. My damaged body reminds me of what he did to me every day. I think that is the main problem. I hope the memories fade with time and new and better life challenges begin to dominate over the past. I keep myself busy in order to rewire my brain.

[Author]

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