3rd July 2021 at 12:30 pm #128193
After things came to a head (detail removed by Moderator) ago, I finally reached out to my employer for help and womensaid who appointed me an IDVA.
Unfortunately I wasn’t in a good place and was having a mental breakdown. My work told me if I didn’t leave I’d end up being dismissed and the IDVA was very stern so I felt like I was being controlled by them too and was a complete mess constantly crying, panicking and could barely function.
I went against everything I was told and felt I couldn’t just leave, involve police, get legal advice etc so I went home telling him I couldn’t live with him anymore, couldn’t cope, didn’t want to live. I couldn’t just leave as loved him a,d didn’t want to hurt him but couldn’t carry on.
I expected an outburst but got quite the opposite in that he begged, pleaded me to stay. Admitted responsibility for all of his actions saying if he ever touched me again he would call police himself. Said I did do loads for him but he didn’t appreciate it enough and that he didn’t deserve me. I told him I didn’t trust him ( in sense of what he says) and he said just stay and sort yourself out and if you still don’t want to stay then we’ll sort it out like adults.
Stupidly I did . I spoke to my IDVA who had organised a MARAC against my wishes and then said if I couldn’t make my mind up she couldn’t support me. That I would not be able to get help from a counsellor and what did I want to happen to our house! I was really confused by all this and was absolutely stressing out about the MARAC . I spoke to my Dr who put me on meds for panic and my mood started to settle a bit which was also helped by fact he was being wonderful.
The dr told me she would get the report from the MARAC and if anything was going to affect me she would phone me. I heard nothing except for an email from a DARO saying I could contact her if I needed support or advice which I was too scared to reply to.
The nice behaviour lasted about (detail removed by Moderator) weeks then things started to creep back quickly and I stated that I wouldn’t tolerate being treated like to be told he’d tried, I hadn’t so I could get my stuff and f*** off. I ended up being hit again to be told I deserved it amd it was justified.
I know I’m a complete pathetic loser but now feel I’ve burned all my bridges and have nowhere to turn so I just need to get on with it.I can’t contact womensaid or get help from work. And as I’ve heard nothing about the MARAC does that mean they don’t think it is abuse? I’m beginning to think it really is me as I defend myself and either end up screaming back at him or threatening to call police which I know I won’t do.
I know I’m never going to have the courage to leave and he is threatening to lose my job, go round to my parents, beat people up etc. He says these things but doesn’t actually do them just terrorises me. His threats aren’t a crime if he doesn’t carry them out so I have no redress. I feel worthless (detail removed by Moderator).
3rd July 2021 at 2:05 pm #128196KIP.Participant
His threats are a crime. Keep a journal and get back to you women’s aid. Women leave and return on average 7 times. It’s nothing new to them. Reach out again and again until you find the strength to leave x
3rd July 2021 at 3:47 pm #128197ladiesand gentlemenParticipant
PLEASE don’t hurt yourself, its not worth losing yourself over.
I have had the same problems with work, in the end I was able to leave that job, and lead a happier time somewhere else.
HE is at fault not you, they ALWAYS revert back to who they REALLY are, try to get some time away from him, even ifs its just in your bedroom or bathroom.
Its a very good idea to keep a journal or diary, even in code if it feels more secure for you.
Keep trying with women’s aid, your local women’s centre can help, try another GP if you need a different pair of ears, tell them ALL you can, they will help eventually.
I had a total nervous breakdown a few years ago, its an absolute nightmare to recover from(still trying) however with the strength we all have deep inside, and the support from all these wonderful ladies, you WILL be able to get over this and leave.
take care xx
3rd July 2021 at 6:37 pm #128204Same-againParticipant
I just wanted to reach out to you as I have been where you are and felt that worthless. Almost identical threats – In the end I left a really good job due to the abuse.
Firstly, you’ve got to be kind to you. It can be very hard to leave especially when they admit stuff and apologise. Listen to this – mine didn’t even really do that and I took him back. Doh. I spent a lot of time hating myself but in a way you are helping him/doing his job for him!
You are amazing and it’s not you. Sometimes it takes a few goes to get someone support wise who you can work with. Repeat, this isn’t your fault and defending yourself is instinctive. One thing I would say is that THEY want you to fight back – more fun that way and easier to muddy the waters. Trust me, I know this from dreadful experience.
You’ve not made your bed hun, not at all. It often takes a few goes at the leaving thing to make it stick. Don’t be mean to yourself about it, it’s the past and your future is out there. Cling on and quietly gain strength. x*x
3rd July 2021 at 6:39 pm #128205
Thank you both I just can’t do what I need to do and it’s pathetic as I’m a grown adult.
I do try and keep an online diary and voice recordings and after looking back last night at it hit home how many times he actually physically hurts, although that’s not the main problem. He is v manipulative and calculated and is a person who helps all our elderly neighbours. He is not like this behind closed doors, though I fail to see how they can’t hear him. He’s intimidating, aggressive, belittling, a hypocrite, denies responsibility for anything saying it’s justified, possessive to the point it’s obsessive, hates my job, family, friends, lies, accuses me of all sorts and threatens constantly to lose my job, hurt someone or finish me ( whatever that is supposed to mean)
On the flip side, he’s loving, generous, complimentary but I guess it’s only when wants something or has ulterior motives.
I’m worried about phoning my local women’s aid again in case they think I’m a loser for bottling out last time and running back like a little puppy just wanting to be loved.
4th July 2021 at 7:54 pm #128240LisaMain Moderator
Thank you for sharing with us, I hope it is helping to post to us about how you are feeling and what you are going through.
Please do try to contact your local domestic abuse support service again when you feel able to. The support is there for you and they understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship including how difficult it is to leave. You deserve the support and they will not think badly of you.
I have also sent you a private message with some support details. Keep posting when you can to let us know how you are doing.
4th July 2021 at 11:11 pm #128249WaterspriteParticipant
Hello scapegoat I was there too and I want to send you a message of hope – it doesn’t have to always be this way. You deserve safety and peace and friends and choices. Also support is out there you just need to reach out again. No one will think you are pathetic that’s his voice anyone who lives through abuse is brave and amazing and that’s what I think of you.
If your case went to MARAC services are fully aware that his abuse is bad and they are worried about your safety and risk. It’s just that no one can make you ready and actually that is right but when you are they will help you leave safely as leaving is the most dangerous time. I would not tell him anything about getting support or plans to leave. I have had two MARAC and didn’t hear much back either time it just means agencies have risk assessed and making safety plans.But rest assured it is because they believe you they are worried about you they want to help.
I agree in that I found the manipulation coercion confusion harder in many ways than physical or sexual violence. It’s deliberate to keep you muddled and where he wants you and it sounds really abusive.
Your Dr sounds good support reach out to them and do not be afraid to ask for support again everyone understands it’s not you scapegoat it’s all him. Keep moving forwards you are doing good. I never thought I could be free but believe in your future and freedom and a good life! Sending heartfelt warmth and strength scapegoat x*x
10th July 2021 at 2:24 pm #128577
Thank you again for your messages, it helps me feel like I’m not a complete loser.
Well he still isn’t speaking to me (detail removed by Moderator), normally I would attempt to make amends but I really can see past his behaviour now. (detail removed by Moderator)- because neither my son or I had made effort to speak with him, he tried causing a row saying one of us had stolen some money from him. When we both said we hadn’t, he then changed it to I must have given someone else a key. Not likely as never have anyone round and don’t have any male friends as he was suggesting! He then got even more aggressive and said it was justified as I’d spoken over him and was a control freak. Walked away with him ranting and actually went ahead with a gym class when normally I wouldn’t dare go and would cancel. So I’m feeling stronger.
When I tried to leave earlier in year, he said to me that although he makes all of these horrible threats he doesn’t actually carry them through ( other than terrorising me at home) so why do I believe them? I’ve been thinking a lot about this and feel a bit stupid, like I’ve been over reacting but the manner in which he threatens all of these things is very aggressive, intimidating and with him jabbing at me or towering over me.
I’m starting to unpick things a bit more such as if he does something wrong he will always find a way to blame me for something else instead to take the focus off him; if I don’t react he will continue going on and on like pointing a stick at a dog until it reacts; if I don’t react he then says other people are talking me saying I’m having affairs or am a psycho; he is a downright barefaced liar but gets really angry if I even suggest this.
I’m feeling ,much calmer now whereas I was very angry before and wanted him to pay for treating me like c**p. Now I don’t even feel like reacting as I really don’t care anymore. The only thing is I can’t help but feel sorry for him, he knows how to pull on my heart strings and I know he can easily manipulate me to believe anything which makes me just feel stupid.
I’ve had a couple of calls for counselling this week and have an assessment (detail removed by Moderator) so hopefully I can sort my head out. I know I need to emotionally detach myself from him and learn to love myself and that it’s not selfish to do so. If I’m going to leave I only have a few weeks in which to do it but not sure if I’m better staying with someone ( but then he’ll know where I am) or renting somewhere with my son but then worried about him turning up here too and having no one to help me. I guess I need to get in touch with the (detail removed by Moderator) I have the number of but again am worried if I get in touch things might get taken out of my hands as I really don’t trust the police. I guess I just need to get used to the fact that I will lose everything ( which I find really unfair – given all the s**t he’s put me through but know if I try and get him chucked out my life won’t be worth living and he may carry out his threats.
Thank you for letting me rant, I know this post is probably all over the place and nonsensical.
10th July 2021 at 2:49 pm #128578KIP.Participant
He’s aggressive intimidating jabbing at you and towering over you. All designed to keep you living in a state of fear. He doesn’t have to carry them out. He’s getting what he wants by simply threatening you. His behaviour is illegal and damaging to you. They talk such verbal salad. Like it’s okay for him to threaten you if he doesn’t act on it. How ridiculous. That’s like me saying it’s okay to drive at 120 miles an hour with you in the car towards a brick wall terrifying you as long as I don’t smash into it. Delusional nonsense. Remember the FOG of abuse. The fear Obligation and Guilt. Used to control. The very first time he abused you he gave you permission to walk away and you have a son to protect too. Abuse stunts the growth of children and leaves them scared. They also learn behaviour from an abuser. So work on taking baby steps away from the abuse x you can do it x
10th July 2021 at 3:02 pm #128579
Thanks KIP, I know you are right. A counsellor told me a coup,e for years ago I was living in fear but I disagreed as I was managing to carry on with everything but was a complete nervous wreck and wanted strategies for how not to react to him. He says his threats are idle and wouldn’t stand for anything with the police as they are not carried out. However he has hurt me on many occasion but I guess I normalise it as I see as just a slap, kick, grab round throat, push etc not really beating me up. So feel it is minimal physical and more mental.
My son is grown up, still lives at home. Unfortunately he has been affected mentally which I feel responsible for as any decent mother would have got him out of there. He too can see straight his lies and b******* but my oh says I’ve manipulated him to turn against his dad.
I hope I will get there as I have wasted almost (detail removed by Moderator) decades of my life believing he’ll change. I think it’s safe to say now that he won’t.
11th July 2021 at 2:21 pm #128626gettingtiredParticipant
Mine has done exactly the same Scapegoat, he told me that he ‘obviously’ wouldn’t carry out those threats. As if saying that just makes it ok! It’s absolutely delusional nonsense like Kip said. It’s their way of not having to take responsibility and making up some pathetic excuse for their cruel behaviour then expecting us to just accept that. To put up and shut up.
Like you I’ve minimised the physical things that he’s done in the past just because I wasn’t being beaten up or punched. The reality is physical abuse is physical abuse whatever it is and a healthy, normal partner would never, ever do that.
Saying a decent mother would have left is simply not true. You’re more than a decent Mother and a lovely person. You wouldn’t say that about any of the other women on the forum who didn’t leave so please don’t say it about yourself.
I know you feel guilty and sorry for him, so do I with mine. But as Kip often says feeling sorry for them won’t stop the abuse. Everything is easier said than done I know. I wish I had better advice to give but I’m sending you a big virtual hug anyway 💜 xx
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