Major anxiety for this week

[Anonymous]

I often think this can’t get any worse and yet it always does.

Why do I find myself justifying his bad behaviour and making excuses for it in my head? Then 5 minutes later being angry? Then checking back through my phone to see how I behaved when this has happened before and what worked for me?!! I feel totally ridiculous and all over the place. Christmas is all up in the air, he won’t give me any straight answers about what we’re doing, I know he’ll see his kids at his ex’s house on Xmas day but why can he not put plans in place when he knows I’m anxious? I just get “stop being stupid” or LITERALLY silent treatment and staring through me or stonewalling when I ask questions.

I don’t understand why I can’t walk away from him. I love him and I constantly think over the times before he started treating me bad and how I just want them back. Even though I now know that most of them were tainted with him drinking. This is not who I was before I met him, I can’t see a way out of my own head. And bizarrely the only person who I know can make me feel better is him. I’m dreading the next few days.

Sorry, this is a real ramble but I feel so low. The silent treatment has built up over the last week and I’m just waiting for something to give and trying to stay calm but I can’t. I feel I want to enable his drinking just to keep him in a good mood which is stupid. I just don’t know why I deserve this and don’t know where my hopes and dreams for us have disappeared to. Yet I can’t walk away.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. He enjoys causing you anxiety and he chooses to do it. Make plans for yourself and cut him out. Dont rely on him for anything. Have you read Living with the Dominator?

[Anonymous]

Hi KIP, thankyou for your reply xx

I’ve just spent some time googling what you suggested and you couldn’t be more right. I didn’t even realise this was a thing. It is exactly how I am. I’m just not strong enough at the moment to try and do something about it. I honestly feel unmotivated to do anything at all – I don’t like having the tv on as it gives me anxiety, even having lights on in the house makes me feel uncomfortable. The only way I can describe why is that I feel I don’t deserve anything good. And whatever way I have lights just reminds me of good times and us curling up on the sofa a year or more ago before all this started. I know I sound mad.

I messaged my partner this morning (removed by moderator). No reply. (removed by moderator) passed and I rang him, no reply, so texted again to say (removed by moderator). He is at work but he’s never off his mobile. All that will happen now is he’ll either come in and complain I’ve bought the wrong things or forgotten something or he’ll decide he’s not spending Xmas here anymore and he’s going to stay with his family (which is always code to go and drink, they are equally as bad as each other). In amongst all this, it’s me paying for the food shopping, me paying all the bills.

Sometimes I wish I had never met him but I then feel bad for thinking this!!

[KIP.]

It would be good for you to ring the national domestic abuse helpline and chat to the ladies there and contact your local women’s aid. No you don’t sound mad, you sound abused. His behaviour will make you anxious and depressed and that brings a lack of energy and motivation. He won’t change and he chooses to abuse you. Try looking at the cycle of abuse, love bombing and gaslighting and see if anything else fits x it’s him, not you x

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