Major love bombing phase

[Lightning-Jet]

After a long time of dealing with very controlling, manipulative behaviour – lets just say he ticked pretty much every box on the dominator. I finally managed to get away from my abuser.

I have been through a number of weeks of nasty messages, threats, phone calls. But that changed and now I truly think the cycle has come back full circle to the love bombing phase again.

Lots of messages trying to reminisce about the past and the good times we had. Trying to convince me that we cannot throw the relationship away. Lots of apologies and promises that things will be different in the future (which I have heard a number of times before).

Its so hard, because a part of me, still loves the person I thought he was, still misses him to a point, well, the person he convinced me he was. But I know deep down, no matter what words he says,  its only to try to suck me back in and to get me back under control.

But, I fear the horrible side of him I think, he can be incredibly nasty with words. Everyone around him thinks its me that caused everything (thanks to his smear campaign) although I have been very dignified and not said a thing in response to any of it.

But, I am struggling, I know I need to go no contact, but at this moment with other things that have to be sorted, I cannot go full no contact as yet.

How do I navigate this?

[Bananaboat]

Oh lovely it’s amazing that you’re seeing it for what it is, even though it hurts. I treated it like the addiction it is, so wean yourself – yea the advice is block but sometimes you can’t so break the habit and don’t reply to the texts straight away, don’t respond in full – short sharp and factual responses only & avoid all attempts to hook you into a conversation. My ex tried all this too, including middle of the night messages about dead pets lol. Remember you’re going through a break up – we forget this when we’re escaping abuse, so it’s ok to grieve what you thought you had or wanted in the future, just keep reminding yourself of that horrible side of him. I also found if I had a day or evening of missing him, I’d come to my senses the next day. So what would you do during a break up? Chick flicks, long baths, see friends or whatever you fancy. Distract yourself with some telly, a book or change of scenery like a walk or pop to the shops – it helps the brain reset x

[Haven]

Dear lightning-jet,

It’s so complicated and not many people understand. We have been connected to these men for many years, dancing their dance and stuck in the cycle of abuse. I must say from personal experience, it hasn’t been all bad and I still care about my husband.

It’s not helpful when you have to see them to sort finances/house etc and they try everything to win you back and you feel sorry for them. It’s intense emotion & as Bannanaboat said, you must distract yourself and awake to a new day.  He will not change and it’s easy to forget & slip back into the relationship as the easier, familiar options.

I was called ‘cruel’ the other day but he does not get it! Thinks I’ve just got fed up with him and quit the marriage. Has no idea it’s abuse. It isn’t worth explaining anymore, walk away and focus on the future!

Surround yourself with strong, positive people you trust xx

Take care

[Author]

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