Makes me feel bad for him – is this abuse

[givemepeace]

I am new to this forum, and I have read many of the experiences of others.

and I believe I am suffering from verbal abuse – or emotional abuse if that is possible. But I am now unsure. I tried to break up, with the argument of (detail removed by moderator), for me nor the children. After that he stopped the yelling, instead he cries or is super sad. Everything is about his hurt emotions.

He cries alot, because I dont love him enough, (detail removed by moderator). All of a sudden he walk out of the house, because he just cant be here. The children feel sorry for him.

I am hurt to, but everything is about his feelings. If I try to say(detail removed by moderator), It all gets worse. Then he gets even more sad, or frustrated. He claims that I do not listen to him, and will not talk (detail removed by moderator). Nothing I say is good enough. I never know when I do something wrong.

He will be sad if I talk more with somebody else than with him, If I choose to go somewhere with friends, instead of him. But I need to breath without him.

I constantly feel bad, walk on eggshells, and I am nervous. I am so afraid that he is going to leave me, at the same time as I need to be without him, to recover. And I feel as if I am the bad person. For him I am. I believe he is sincerly upset. The tears and the pain is real. But I find it so difficult to handle. It gives me guilt and shame. It was so much better when he yelled at me.
Does this make sense to anyone? What to do?

Is this a sort of abuse to?

[KIP.]

It’s absolutely abusive and it’s clearly a new means of control because you called him out on the yelling and he simply found another way to control you. The tears aren’t real. My ex used to do this and he would change in an instant. If someone came in or was to witness him he could turn it off and on like a tap. This man is dangerous and controlling. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven and there’s a national domestic abuse helpline that’s great too x it’s not you, it’s him x

[ISOPeace]

givemepeace this is definitely abuse. If you read up on abuse, you’ll see that his tactics are typical of an abuser (people often say it’s like they all have the same handbook).

I think one of the simplest descriptions of abuse is behaviour that uses fear/obligation/guilt to make you go against your best interests. This can be treats, actual violence, intimidation, emotional blackmail, making you believe everything is your fault etc

The only way to understand the behaviour of an abuser is to accept that they do not think like everyone else and that they are driven by a need to control and a lack of respect for you as a separate person. An abuser’s idea of love is not about mutual respect and wanting the other to be happy, it’s about possession and obsession.

Let’s say for a minute that his pain is real. He finds your behaviour unacceptable so he shouts at you and blames your for everything. In other words he shouts at you for not meeting his expectations. But if you try to bring up his behaviour or want to spend time with friends (i.e. anything do to meet your needs) he becomes overcome with pain and upset. What would this pain and upset about? That you are a separate person with your own needs?

According to ‘normal’ relationship rules, if somebody behaves in ways that cause you pain, it is a sign that something is wrong, and if attempts to resolve the issue don’t work, the relationship is over. He isn’t walking away because he’s not playing by ‘normal’ relationship rules (you aren’t walking away because abuse creates trauma bonds). The most generous interpretation of his behaviour is that he has significant issues with emotional regulation, so is unable to deal with you meeting your own needs. This in itself is a good enough reason to end a relationship. But from extensive reading about abuse I can confidently say that he is unable to deal with you meeting your own needs because that is unacceptable to him – to an abuser, his needs are what matter and you are there to meet his needs, not your own.

Abusers are skilled manipulators who use your empathy against you. His displays of pain and upset are there to manipulate you into doing what he wants. There could be an element of genuine emotion in there, but it would be desperation to get you back under control.

When you say you tried to break up, this is another example of how ‘normal’ relationship rules don’t apply when there’s abuse. In a normal relationship, no argument is needed. You don’t need to persuade the other person that you don’t want to be with them any more. The fact that you don’t want to be with them is enough to end the relationship. But when there’s abuse, the abuser has spent years convincing you that you need his permission to do anything so you believe you need his permission to leave him. People often say that you don’t leave an abusive relationship, you escape. Leaving an abuser is the ultimate loss of control for them, so they will usually up the ante to make you stay. Leaving is usually the most dangerous time, and when violence gets worse or even starts. The safest thing to do is leave without him knowing and then let him know when you’re safely away.

The situation you’re in is incredibly difficult. Is is never easy to leave. My advice is to read up on abuse (I always recommend Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft) and reach out for support like KIP suggests. Keep posting on here and reading other posts, you’ll find this forum an incredibly supportive place and a place where you’ll be understood. Sending love xxxx

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