Making a mess

[Chocolatebunnie]

Husband left, hasn’t been long, but keeps coming round for children daily.

It hit me a week in that we weren’t together, missing him I told him this.

I was Swaying back towards him until he tells me how his family are against me for kicking him out without reason.

They’ve been talking badly about me and it’s been a problem for the duration of our relationship.

He then thinks that sex would be a good idea, but it’s not for me.

Im uncomfortable with all of this for many reasons, one being told about how his family feel about me and him saying I might need help as I have gotten very hurt and upset by him telling me how hated I am and how they want to tell me what for! He thinks I’m irrational

Anyway, he’s not exactly affectionate, he has been cuddling me but it’s more I’ve been going to him first I’ve needed it and feel so weak such a coward.

He said he couldn’t come to see me as he wanted to, his family are against it, he’d have to sneak here to see me in the night to have sex and it made me feel like a b***y call. Disrespect is a turn off.

He should tell his family to not get involved instead he tells me they are angry and want words next time they see me.

He isn’t sticking up for me at all.

My older children do not want him here making the thought of going back on us separating a very guilty one.

He’s tried groping me today thinking I’d respond he didn’t come here for sex as he had arranged In the night but he’s still hoping, I fell asleep and didn’t answer calls so was ok so far in avoiding although again I was intwo minds and unsure what I wanted.

He says I’m giving mixed messages, I am, I’m confused about the whole thing and it’s making my stomach churn and doesn’t feel good I’m very anxious. I told him this he didn’t understand.

I’ve made a mistake in backtracking towards him again, having broken it off and got him to leave. I know I should’ve stayed strong. He’s not moved back so that’s a good thing.

I am such a idiot 💔

[Twisted Sister]

H Chocolatebunnie

You are as much an idiot as any of us that kept hoping it could actually be ok, or find it difficult to break away from the love we had for an abuser.

It sounds like you think better of your actions now, as in, you recognised what you were doing and, along with the kids behing unhappy about it, and have realised that you lapsed in your strength to keeping going with this.

Your body telling you that you don’t want sexual interaction, you are listening to, which is good and you are not being pushed back into anything with him again.

Ignore the hateful family, they are going to listen to the abuse and character assasinatiosn by him. They will not be on your side, thats not personal thats just families of abusers that do support them sometimes. They don’t want to believe the abuse that you claim.

All that matters is that you know it, and I would be very wary of ever having him come back to the home of you and your children, bearing in mind you all need him away from your life so you can feel at peace which is absolutely vital. Keep your space sacred. You can meet out and go your separate ways if you can’t find anyone else, a trusted third-party, to do hand-overs, but doing them at your home or on your doorstep just leaves the door open for him to continue the abuse.

Also, every day? Just no. You all need good gaps of time away from him for your own health.

I hope you are doing ok, and can see how you’ve managed to stay strong through this, despite the wobble.

warmest wishes

ts

[Bananaboat]

I remember posting a very similar post after ending things one of the first times, called myself a fool and I forget who now but someone lovely said to me, ‘if you’re a fool so are most of us on here’…so many of us go back/try again, we want to believe the good and things can work but these ppl don’t change and actually going back helps you see that.

Maybe his family are saying that, maybe they’re not and he’s saying it to control you and distance you from each other – either way they don’t sound like ppl you need right now. You can’t control them so don’t waste energy on them or react to what your partner is saying about them. Even if they aren’t saying it, they know you’re separated and where’s their support?! Definitely not your people.

Do, however, listen to what your kids are saying. I know you love this man and miss the relationship but it takes a lot for kids to stand up like this, they love you and a) don’t want to see you hurt and b) don’t want to suffer themselves anymore. Plus if he learns they’re saying this he’ll use it against them if he does return! Giving yourself some distance is the best thing – you’ll see you can cope, you’ll see the difference in your kids and you, and you’ll see his true colours as he tries all method to get you back inline. It’s your choice what to do, but remind yourself why you wanted him to go x x

[Mellow]

Set a boundary for contact don’t let him in house let him wait at door.

[Chocolatebunnie]

You’re all so kind and reassuring.

I haven’t replied as I’ve been an absolute mess and have just not known what to say to anybody.

I’ve been interrogated non stop last couple of days whenever he’s has a opportunity he’s trying to find out why I’ve called it a day.

I’ve been very honest as much as I felt safe to do so, but kept some things to myself as I know it’s denied or twisted or played down.

I’ve stood my ground, he’s angry with me now says I’m not forgiving so I brought up a few times when I have been and reminding him of this is the reason he’s angry. This is when a apology might have been nice to have received to show he regrets name calling amongst some other things.

I can’t be honest with him about the fact he pressures me for sex, or that he’s had sex with me when I’m asleep and this has been somewhat why my heads been in a mess knowing he’s pressuring me again. It brings it all back. It’s been on his adgenda making me feel guilty and sorry for him, nothing new. I don’t want to be used anymore!

I’m just so scared how I will cope from this point onwards. Financially, emotionally in every way. My anxiety is really playing up.

He’s made me feel so low, hurt and lonely even though I know this is what I want it’s so incredibly painful.

[Bananaboat]

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but this is all good stuff towards your recovery. Seeing what he’s really like, realising who supports you, recognising he won’t apologise, noticing you’re unable to talk to him about certain things because he’ll just use it against you. It’s a real rollercoaster at this stage and you’re going to have good and bad days. You’re breaking those bonds and addictions and just like anyone withdrawing from something things are going to pull you back & forth. There’s lots of help out there for the financial side, have you checked out entitledto.com or turned2.com? I don’t have the details but I’ve seen people recommended places which help with financial support after abuse too. Keep going, you’re stronger than you think xx

[Lisa]

Hi Chocolatebunnie and Bananaboat,

Just writing to give the links for the helpful sites Bananaboat has mentioned:

Turn2Us

Entitledto

Take care and keep posting,

Lisa

[Anonymous]

Chocolatebunnie, abusers lie, they lie to other people about us, they lie to us, they lie to themselves, has it crossed your mind your husband has been lying to his parents about you right the way through (flipping the script or leaving huge bits out for the things he’s responsible for) you had very good reason to throw him out (don’t forget that reason) you were never irrational you were feeling your reactions were normal, don’t let him use you for sex having sex with an abuser is just going to leave you feeling disgusted and your gonna be setting yourself back again, by telling him you missed him he’s used it as an opportunity for something he can manipulate you with and seeing him every day while it’s so raw it’s going to make you confused about things (and he’s not helping with the confusion) and you said he’s not sticking up for you but why would an abuser stick up for someone they’ve been abusing? the only people abusers stick up for is themselves, he sounds like he’s trying to use you for what he can, if he moved back in he’d have to backtrack or admit to his or gaps in the facts, it all sounds suss, but if you want to keep seeing him in those ways it’s your choice but it’s really not healthy, he’s not healthy 💗💜💗

[Anonymous]

There’s a four letter word for when you can’t/don’t consent to sex , being asleep is being unable to consent, you can’t reason with someone like this please stop trying, please stop trying to gain rationale, explanation and understanding from him it’ll just be met with anger and you’ll just end up on a loop, also google the term triangulation
💛🧡💛

[Chocolatebunnie]

I’m just reading the replies 💕 sorry if this is a little emotional.

Still feeling awful although had a few days where I coped better but then back to anxiety and feeling lost. I guess this is the process of grieving and eventually recovering coming out the other side. There is also things to sort out and finding solutions to things that are obstacles and reasons I put off leaving.

He’s still visiting everyday, had little ones overnight who didn’t want to come home which has been a reason I stayed with him as I had this fear of loosing kids 💔

Big chats with the older ones daily who must also be going through it too. They are glad he’s gone and have so much they need to process.

I see so much now he’s gone, it’s clearer, I wonder if this contributes to my emotional state just now.

Auriel you are right about the four letter word too, consent wasn’t there then if I was sleeping or other times, stupid me didn’t mind a few times when things were ok but if he’d been mean and I was keeping my distance he thought it was still ok. He had then manipulated me, by getting through my distancing and making me close to him without resolving anything, allowing him to get what him wanted with me in many ways, even just writing this is painful. And I’m still questioning this, trying to get my head around if this was normal sometimes but I know deep down it wasn’t. I can see how little he cared for me and how I was used, how I gave in, how I was manipulated and how I felt I owed him this. We all paid with his mood if I didn’t or he’d tease me that I was frigid or in other ways I would pay he like helping me when I needed it.

Looked up triangulation and yes it’s making sense, especially with children.

I have the books everyone talks about, why does he do that, is one. I think I can now begin to read them properly without hiding them. I remember when I first bought the books I couldn’t relate, I doubted it was abuse, but now when I read it makes sense, you don’t realise where your head has been at all these years and gradually the light starts to shine through. That’s one thing I feel very guilty about with respect of the children. They had a lot of abuse from him, I either put up with, thinking that’s how it is, or was blinded or it was kept out of my vision (things happened when I was not around).

I feel I’m escaping a very tangled web, that is also including his very toxic family. I can’t wait to feel some real freedom and for this moment in time to pass. It’s the final leap, but it’s a emotional one.

I hope I can support others on here once I understand things more, this place and you people over time have been so supportive and have helped me see that light. Definitely helped me to reach this point I’m at now.

We all went for family therapy and my husband appeared to be golden boy, well it’s been a few years since all this, and we’ve been referred back again by (detail removed by moderator) so I made contact reluctantly but felt I needed to show I wanted to support the children, this time I was being blunt and honest. I met with her and told her everything that I could in the time, my goodness she had seen things from last time and was supportive and I felt like I was talking to a old friend. Had he manipulated things here first time round? She’s helped to clarify various things in my marriage were very wrong and even said, you stayed how long? I’m seeing her again

CB 💕

[Anonymous]

Yes he was a very big spider that brought you in and kept you in his toxic Web using insidious manipulation tactics and now your out your starting to see things clearly, now you have to face things (not going lie it’s going be painful you already know that by now) I’m glad your speaking to omeone who understands, I’m sure you’ll be a really good support here (when your ready) focus on you 1st though🧡 take care now ❤🧡💛

[Chocolatebunnie]

Thank you x

[Author]

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