Making a new life, finding new friends

[iliketea]

Hi, how is everyone, hope you’re ok and getting through the festive season. I’ve really struggled this year with loneliness and isolation over Christmas. I don’t know if my situation is unusual or not but I don’t know anyone else like me so maybe it is. But I need help in trying to get out of it as its getting me down now. The first few years after leaving were ok, partly because of the pandemic I think, everyone was locked away and isolated so there was more of an online life and there was that feeling nobody had a life, so it was fine I didn’t either!!But now its all back to normal, Im really struggling with the isolated life I now have. I don’t have any family, and that coincided with me meeting my ex, he then isolated me from my friends one way and another, and now I don’t have any of my friends either. We moved to a new place, and I did make a couple of friends, but to be honest i’ve never been the best chooser of friends, and they all disappeared when I left him. It was very hurtful at the time but as I was having therapy and healing I faced it head on and was upbeat about getting rid of toxic people who didn’t stand by me. But now, a few years on, I still haven’t made any new or good friends and life is really lonely. The school mums ignore me, avoid me like the plague, I think because of the DA, and anyone else I’ve met it just never seems to go anywhere, I sort of try to suggest coffee or catching up but people always say no, so now I’m back to thinking its all me. Maybe that;s why he treated me the way he did, and maybe that;s why I don’t have any friends from my past left either – they all let me down, when I went through trauma before I met him, and then when I met him and left him – they let me down too.

How do other people make a new life? Find new friends. I have youngish children but even that hasn’t helped as I am an older mum so somehow never on the same page as the mums at the school gates, and I feel so different too, a struggling poor single mum, even though I always smile and never share my feelings or what’s going on, I just don’t fit in, I can’t talk about doing up my kitchen or buying a new car, or going on holiday, let alone expensive holidays to fancy tropical beaches. How do you make a new life? How do you make new friends? How do you find your “tribe” or “community” – people did seem to be nicer in the pandemic, I’m finding now everyone has just gone back to their old ways. Anyway, that’s it really, how does everyone else start from zero? Is anyone else starting from zero?

[minimeerkat]

had the same thoughts, having difficulty with same things & feel exactly the same way x

[nbumblebee]

So im still here not left but im so so lonley so i know how it feels. Know what changed my life?
Volunteering. I met new people made friends dispite his hate i joined a gym made friends oh he hates it and as ive said many times he makes it hard for me but still i go.
Volunteering can be adaptable you work the hours you can even if its just one hour a week its a start you will feel part of something feel good about yourself.
Pm me if you need a website to start with honestly its a really good starting point.
You are so brave so amazing you should feel so proud of yourself sweetie dont stop now. Xxxxx

[browneyedmum]

Hi iliketea,

Re: pandemic, COVIDs not done with us, but thankfully for vax around that, its a little bit safer. However COVIDs not done with us. I don’t anticipate any future lockdowns, however its still important for families who have members who are medically vulnerable to safe guard them as best we can.

Re: “I can’t talk about doing up my kitchen or buying a new car, or going on holiday, let alone expensive holidays to fancy tropical beaches.”

^^^ I so hate school gate mum small talk. There have been many times when I’ve invited school gate mums to go have a coffee right after dropping off the children, and I’ve been declined or worse, stood up. That’s fine, if they want to go on living their Instagram lives and such… I’ve been in the trenches, duking it out for my children. That might be uncomfortable to ‘chat’ about, but it is what it is. And these are women who I used to go out with regularly before all of our troubles began. They mention that they’re having troubles now, but aren’t ready to talk to me about it.

I do have some ‘tribe’ mostly on my online networks, and in addition several ‘tribe’ members who I’ve gained from work. A couple of my work colleagues, I consider practically family… part of that family that I get to choose. Even work colleagues who no longer work at the same place anymore, we do regular catch ups. I’m always heartened when its not just me driving those relationships … i.e. … they say, let’s have a virtual meet up!

I think it does take a bit of work. First, finding an interest that others might have an interest in. Yes, I know… “As if I have time to take up a hobby when I’m dealing with all this!” But sometimes that helps, in creating commons interests and later, genuine care for others that is nurtured, valued, and reciprocated.

I’m not from here, so its not like … in my ex’s case … he has friends here that he’s known since childhood and sees regularly. I’ve always felt very alone.

But then also, I’ve been rather comfortable with my own company as well. Then, its taken over a decade to develop some ‘tribe’ who I know I can rely on too.

It takes time, it takes patience, it takes developing avid interests to share with others at first and then developing deeper relationships. Sometimes I wonder if the trauma of having experienced domestic abuse actually then after hinders our ability to trust.

Have faith and keep trying. xX.

ps– I like what @nbumblebee said too!

[Marmalade]

Hi iliketea, just wanted to offer some support and say I understand. I do have family and old friends but they are many miles away. I moved far away and my abuser kept me isolated so I made no new friends locally. Even now some years after I got away from him, I still feel isolated.
I think, coming from abuse, we see the world differently. We find it harder to trust people, as our trust has been so abused. Also the trivialities of normal school gate chat, seem a world away from our reality. It’s hard to relate to someone complaining about kitchen tiles etc when it seems so trivial. I found myself secretly losing patience with people. I felt like an alien, or outsider, watching the world go on around me but unable to be part of it as I no longer operated at that level.I also found myself a social pariah in a sense as evening invitations seem to go to couples and a single mum doesn’t fit, especially one who had no babysitting. So yes, I understand the starting from zero.
I started by trying to contact my old friends and re engage. This gave me some long distance support. On a local level though, I share your difficulties in finding your “tribe”. I’m still working on it and will take on board some of the suggestions on this thread. Best of luck x

[StrongLife]

Hi

I never found friends via schools. It’s more of a drop off pick up point.

Have you thought of social groups or say tennis clubs or similar? Seperate to school etc.

I had ex where if I did bring friends around he would do utmost in knocking them away.

I am discerning when it comes to friends myself. It’s hard when someone has blown your trust so badly and all the issues that go with it.

[Makingmychildrenproud]

Hello

I hope you were able to find nice moments over the break and I’m sorry you are lonely.

I have no real family either – and I lost probably half my friends when I left my abusive husband ( I still have no idea why, they were my close friends mostly of 15+ years and he became abusive and dangerous towards the children so unsure why that triggered people to distance themselves from me).

I do still have a “lot of friends” however they have all slowly distanced themselves from me – probably a combination of them being really busy with their own children and lives, my life being overwhelming with so many issues even though like you I smile and try to make much of it light.

I give this context to say: despite having friends left and a full time job, I am bone achingly lonely. I realise now it’s loneliness that no friend or friends can fix, that it’s also grief. For my lost family growing up and now.

I just wanted to share that because I thought it was friend related but it isn’t. You might find some relief by joint a club or volunteering but you might also find it takes just the edge off for a few hours.

Thinking of you at this time.

[iliketea]

Hi, and thank you for being so honest and sharing. That really helps. I’m sorry to hear you also feel the same, I’m sure you are right, it is grief, even after x number of years, I have had a lot of moments this holiday thinking about how it could be different, and what it would be like. I suppose its the age-old thing isn’t it, only us, me can solve it. Its so tiring though. Sometimes I’d love to go for a coffee and just have a chit-chat with someone about rubbish, what’s going on in the world, what’s going on at home. I feel like im getting further and further away from the real world. I tried volunteering but the women, who were a little bit older than me, seemed really unfriendly and a bit sort of territorial about it, even at the food bank I tried. They were really bossy and didn’t help me. The same with the gardening place I tried, they’d all been there for ages and it was like I was some sort of young usurper trying to take over their patch. So so strange. Even though Im in my (detail removed by Moderator), I do have youngish children and I find it sets me apart, I’m in between. Most of the women my age have kids at university, finishing school, one of mine has only just started! I never knew children could be such a pointer in who your friends were as you aged. I did have a “best” friend who told me that as I was having children later than everyone else we knew we wouldnt remain friends in the long run, as our lives would be so different and always at different stages – she was right – I was determined for it not to be true but she sort of self-fulfilled that prophecy – guess she probably wasnt really a good friend. So depressing. Thank you. x

[browneyedmum]

I just wanted to comment… I’m not from here and yes, I have noticed that a lot of women can be territorial, where I tend to be a change-maker, disruptor. I only use my powers for good though.

I think you’re my senior but I also have young children. I think they keep me somewhat young even though I struggle to remember which Pokemon each likes best!

I also just wanted to encourage you to keep trying to find your tribe. There’s millions of people out there. Some who are wonderful. Some who would understand where you are in life, who’s had shared experiences. Some who will treat you with dignity and respect and who would be keen on sharing simple joys with xX.

[wildgeese]

I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling lonely. I can relate to this. It’s especially hard at and after Christmas as there are more expectations to what your life should be like.

I wonder whether we need to let go of this idea of having a ‘big group of friends’. I like to think that friendships can form in the unlikeliest of places. And not necessarily always deep connections to start with. I started a writing group and while they are not close friends, I sometimes write about my experiences of domestic abuse and I feel their empathy. And this is a good starting point. I’m not pushing it to go any faster. But I do also understand that it’s hard to be patient.

The most infuriating thing I have experienced is when people say to me “I hope you’ve got a good support network around you” or “have you got friends to help you” as it immediately makes you feel worthless and not good enough- that you need to be trying harder. I think I need to let go of those expectations.

I’ve found that I’ve started to get less lonely by starting to do things on my own. For example, going to the library on my own to get some books out, going swimming on my own or going to a cafe and treating myself to a coffee despite not having a friend to go with. And not being embarrassed about it. It is helping to build my own self-worth up. I hope this might help you see things a bit differently.

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