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I think I have known for along time my husband is abusive. Even before we got married there were red flags – just didn’t know then what I know now. I have done training on DA for work and worked with survivors but yet its only now I can see my own situation.
It is verbal abuse and he has hit me once but I seem to have brushed this off – we were in the car and he got angry with me and he hit my arm. He has never apologised and in fact he just got sulky (the usual) and made out it was my fault. This weekend I was screamed at and had food thrown (not at me). I’ve had enough. I started reading ‘ was it even abuse’ and I can see things more clearly. I am worried that his rages are escalating in frequency and strength. His criticisms and put downs have drained me over the years and his temper is starting to frighten me.
So, a plan! I feel its going to take me a year to really leave safely. Firstly I have decided to keep a diary on my work computer to see if there is a pattern. I have some savings and I am going to try and add to this though it will be harder as his deflection tactic after the weekends rage is to have all our money in joint accounts – he knows I wont like this. I have a flat in my name alone which I could move into if the tenants leave but its far way from where I now live and work – I want to stay where I am now. So, I have already contacted my mortgage advisor to talk about options. I am going o take legal advice to ensure I do things the right way with regards money.
I would leave today but I have an elderly dog and I cannot leave her.
I guess I will have to play the pacify game to stay safe and try and avoid confrontation. I know its pointless trying to fight my corner as I can never be right. Ever. I feel positive though that I am making plans. Wish me luck! -
I admire how pragmatic you are flowerpower32! You sound like a strong person.
We are in similar positions. I too have been with my husband a long time and only now looking back can I recognise controlling behaviour. This escalated over the years to physical altercations and what sometimes seems like endless put me downs and criticism which are excused away as just “telling the truth”. It’s very tiring living in those circumstances and I personally feel like I am losing myself completely. I also have an elderly dog and it would break my heart to lose them to the point, like you, I think I’ll just hang on in there until they’re no longer with us.
Well done for setting out an action plan. My brain feels so empty these days I struggle to plan a day or get anything done.
Keep posting on here for support. Even reading similar stories can give some comfort, to know you’re not alone no matter how far apart we may be. -
Hi flowerpower32,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting. I hope that you find sharing support with other women here helpful.
It’s a difficult thing to accept that you’re experiencing abuse from a partner but it does sound like you’re seeing it clearly now and that can be powerful. It’s really positive that you’re putting together a plan and getting advice so that you can choose the best way for yourself.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (8am – 6pm weekdays and 10am – 6pm weekends/bank holidays). They won’t tell you what to do but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. Your local domestic abuse service should be able to provide some ongoing support and help you understand your options and make your plan to safely leave when you are ready.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa
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