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It feels a little crazy still, but I’m making plans to leave.
I’ve applied for my own bank account and set up a (detail removed by moderator) saving account. I’ve applied for a housing association home, and had the courage to tell them I’ve been living in an abusive home.
I had hoped is be able to get a flat and leave from here to the new place, but it looks unlikely going by the tables the housing association gave showing how long it can take.
Somehow I found it in me to confide in my step-dad what’s been going on and he’s agreed to put me and my children up temporarily while we wait on a flat becoming available. He’s only got 2 bedrooms, but I’m happy to share with my girls, and I think they’ll find going to their grandads less disturbing than going to a shelter.My husband is going through a ‘good as gold’ phase, he knows pulling away so he’s trying to draw me back in, but I don’t even think that’s possible any more. I don’t think I have it in me to give it a single other try. Same as he doesn’t have it in him to change for real. I feel since when he touches me, I can’t bare it. I hate myself for all the years I’ve put up with this. I feel so stupid for taking so long to recognise I was living with an abusive n********t.
I’m going to get the kids set up with Winter things, coats and boots, and maybe a couple of Christmas gifts, then I’m gone.
My best friend said I should start taking out a bag at a time of things I really don’t want to leave behind, does that sound like a good plan? He works full time so I could do that a couple of days a week before I go. What else should I be doing before I go?
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Well done free fairy for taking action. The most important thing is don’t tell him your plans. Don’t let him know you are serious about leaving. He won’t want to lose his victim (you) that he has spent years priming and breaking in. He gets his power kick from your being upset, worried, hurt and in distress (all knowingly caused by him of course). He is an addict. He is addicted to Power and Control. You are his main supply. He won’t want to use his drugs (you and the kids). But you are right to leave. He won’t change. He has no need to. He is getting everything how and as he wants it. However you will get weaker from the abuse and your life (and your children’s lives) will continue to be unmanageable and your mind and emotions will continue to be disturbed and in a mess (due to him).
Great idea from you friend. Start to declutter and remove (without him knowing) all your possessions that you want to bring with you.
You have to deceive the deceiver (him). And lie to the liar(him). That’s you taking your Power back for you and your children. You are being so brave and courageous. keep posting for support.
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Hi Free Fairy,
I just wanted to show you some support. You are doing so well and are being really strong. I am pleased that you have a plan in your mind but without wanting to frighten you at all we know that leaving a relationship can be a very dangerous time for women. Please do phone the helpline as they can run through a safety plan with you and discuss useful things to take with you. If you aren’t in touch with your local Women’s Aid group then please do get in touch with them too as they will be really helpful to you both in leaving the relationship and afterwards.
We are all here for you so please keep posting and stay safe. You are doing brilliantly.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hi Free Fairy,
This is so great that you’re taking a decisive step.
I’ve also decided to leave but because I work full-time and he never leaves the house it’s difficult to get packing. I have to be very sneaky and do it gradually, pretending I’m decluttering.
So that’s a really good advantage that you can do this whilst he’s at work.
I would be interested to know what the last straw was for you, what made you to make that final resolution?
My husband is going through the nice phase also and it makes it unbearable for me to abandon him, to be making these escape plans behind his back but…..
Please be careful and follow through!
Apple x
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Hi Hun
Well done for taking this step, yes definetely staart shifting your stuff, i actuall ypre packed everything i needed in terms of paper work , clothes , kids important stuff, your lucky u going to your step dad so u dont need to worry about things like balnkets, duvets, dishes, i pre pack everything , had it hidden and then at any opportuntiy took the stuff, do not let him click on , act your normal self , good luck
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Thanks for all the support ladies. I called my local women’s aid branch this morning, and I’m going in to see them later in the week. They think I might be better going into their shelter because we’ll still be overcrowded at my step-dad’s house, and it could take the council a while to find us somewhere. To be honest it sounds like the support they could offer me and my girls is like a dream! I’ve been with my husband since I left high school and I’m nearly (age removed by moderator) so I’ve a lot of bad habits to break.
To answer what was the final straw, there was two things really… I’d always begged for him to spend family time with us, to use his leave from work on us. This summer I decided I wouldn’t beg, I’d leave it entirely up to him, not even mention it…(detail removed by moderator) It couldn’t be more obvious he has no interest in spending happy times with us or making good memories with his kids.
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I said there was 2 things, the second was my (age removed by moderator)year old going into meltdown at tryouts for a competitive sport they do because she was terrified her coaches were going to shout at her when she did something wrong. She cowers from him, but it’s the first time I’ve seen it impact her life outside of our 4 walls.
My mum died last year, but I know she’d have whipped me straight out of this house if she’d had any idea how hellish our life is.
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I just wanted to say thanks to the moderator, I’m not used to covering my tracks online, and I don’t even realise till you edit it just how Identifiable some things I’ve written are until you remove them!!
Today I’m doing something that might be brave in might be stupid, I’m buying my kids winter clothes. He’ll freak out if he finds me doing this, despite the kids not having any warm clothes for the winter yet. He won’t want the money spent on them… (I’m going to primark, not armani!) but still he’d be furious. But I’m getting out in a couple of weeks and I’m sure I can hide it all from him. We’re leaving with what we deserve, even if he won’t acknowledge it.
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Free Fairy…go for it….if you don’t you could end up as I have done..with a daughter in 20’s on antidepressents and struggling in life. I wish I had gone when they were little, but H always gave me the crocodile tears and sad eyes and I felt like I was abandoning him.
Just keep focused on a NEW life. xx
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I’m a huge leap forward today, but scared for tomorrow. I met with my local women’s aid today, and they think they could have accommodation available for me in a couple of weeks.
I’m scared for tomorrow because I told the local support about my husband hitting the kids, and shared a photo of the worst time her smacked my youngest. He hit her so hard I could still see the mark from his wedding ring the next day. I wasn’t home at the time, and she’d refused to go with her grandad like she was supposed to, so it put his plans out. No other reason, he said she was being a nightmare. Anyway, women’s aid said they had to report it to social work, which I completely understand, but I still feel sick.
Does anyone else ever feel like they’re in a nightmare and it can’t be real? It was horrible living at the mercy of his every whim, but it’s scary thinking what’s ahead.
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Dear Free Fairy,
I’m glad to hear that you’re getting a place soon!
I can imagine how fearful you must be about social services being involved.
My husband smacked my little girl while I was at work (the next day she had a huge red (then green blue) bruise on her hip. He hit her because she had lied to him, apparently (she had wet herself and was afraid to say so).The only reason I didn’t report him myself was because I am getting out and I if social services were involved he would get suspicious of my ‘decluttering’ activities. And that would make the situation worse and harder for me to actually act constructively.
But I fear that he’d do it again. I was feeling totally down after he’d hit her, for not being there for her and I was afraid that someone at school would learn about the smack and call social services on us. I was afraid that I would be then considered a kind of an accomplice.
But I think that since you’re taking the action, you won’t be in trouble.
Yes, I feel like I’m going through a nightmare, asking myself how the hell did I end up here?
I’m scared where I end up next with my child, will I be able to work or will I have to go on benefits, will I be able to pay for refuge, will he give me hassle, will he go total nuts on us, will I be able to get my daughter into a good school, will I have to leave my current job…. Worries are endless.
Fear of what’s coming is there but it’s got to be better than living like this, right?
Keep going, you’re not alone.
Like Bear Grylls says: Darkness is the time to shine!
AppleNinja x*x
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Hi
I am doing the same thing – taking stuff out bit by bit with my parents complete support. However I opened up to a mutual friend who has promised her complete confidentiality but she rang me today literally a couple of minutes ago and said what I am doing is too calculated and unfair on him. I feel like a right s****y cow now but he can be so horrible I don’t want to tell him what I am doing because he will be so horrible. Her phone call, however well intentioned, ha really kicked me. I thought I was doing the right thing and now I feel like a butch because he too is being ‘nice’ . Xx -
Wow Tuppance, I’m so sorry your friend turned it around on you. Yes what we’re doing is calculated, it’s calculated to be the least confrontational escape route.
I’m sure there will be plenty of people who will bad-mouth me for leaving with his kids and not even warning him, but I just keep reminding myself that it’s not my responsibility to worry about their opinions. I’m doing this for me and for my kids, I’m doing this for the best.
You’re in the same boat Tuppance, you’re sneaking out like this because it’s scary to do it any other way, and because it could be dangerous to confront him while you leave. You’re not being unfair, he’s been unfair to you, your leaving is a consequence of his choices. X*x
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The interview with Ss went OK, they got that I was doing everything I could to protect my girls, and that it was an isolated physical assault, but still they asked that I keep my girls busy and out of the house as much as possible over the weekend, so that’s what I did.
I managed to get out our (detail removed by Moderator), and my tools over the weekend too. I’m hoping to get more out tomorrow while he’s at work… He lost it with my littlest one on (detail removed by Moderator) morning before I had the chance to take them out. The kids were squabbling abd he started screaming at them from 2 rooms away and I walked through to find her shaking and crying near the front door even though he wasn’t in the same room as her yet. He was still shouting abd swearing from the bathroom minutes later when I had them both occupied helping me in the kitchen.
I called WA today and they think they’ll have somewhere ready this week for us, so it could just be a matter of days.
My nerves are totally shot, I’m terrified he’ll find out now when I’m at the final hurdle, I just need to keep my courage up and remind myself of how scared my girls get. That’ll keep me focused I think.
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Hey Free Fairy your oost is very inspiring and informative thank you! Any updates? Its awful what you are going through and touching on social services, councils etc.. all of my fears!! Its really helpful to read these posts and even though people who have been through it are here to support and advise you i just wanted to say thank you because posts like this help and support people like me who are just beginning to think about the possibility of starting to break away! I hope all has gone well and although there is still a long road ahead.. you are now on the right road… the road to freedom and a new positive and peaceful life for you and your children so well done x*x
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