Making me feel I am the problem

[Sogo1234]

Hi everyone, just after some advice.. my ex partner has been telling me lately I’m mentally abusing him even though I feel it is the opposite way around. I’ve had a lot of previous relationships where trust was broken and he’s done a few things that have broken my trust (detail removed by moderator). I tried to put a compromise in place to help me to feel more safe and comfortable with him going out which was getting home at a certain time and then gradually increasing it so I got used to the anxiety when he’s out without me. I’m in counselling every week and really trying to heal from my past and ask him for help and he is saying I’m too much and (detail removed by moderator) and my past is the reason all of our arguments start. He’s now ready to get rid of me so is saying I need to be alone to work out my s**t and I should never have got into a relationship lying about how damaged I was (detail removed by moderator). Am I being unreasonable to ask for a compromise too? He’s made me feel like the worst person in the world and says I’m hard to love and difficult to be with and I don’t let him do anything.. I never stop him from seeing his friends, he is saying he feels like a prisoner 🙁 then he says he loves me and wants to make things work but not right now. I’m so confused!

When we have arguments he will bring up things I’ve told him in confidence and use it against me, call me deranged, psycho, crazy, say I’m hard to love, delusional, calls me a n********t, says I’m too much etc.. Will laugh at me when I cry. And will make up stories in his head . I don’t feel the arguments warrant this and I certainly would never say any of those things to him. Feeling so lost because I know this isn’t okay but I feel like maybe I am the issue now and need to change and then we won’t have arguments. He’s getting in my head.. I don’t know what to do 🙁

[Hereforhelp]

Hi sogo, I am so sorry . What he is doing is designed to get into your head, to cause you confusion.. this is a tactic… you are not the problem… you wouldn’t be on here if you were abusive.

Do not believe a word he says, he would’ve sensed a shift in you and will ramp up his mind fuckery accordingly.

You know something is wrong, him claiming it because of your behaviour is him transferring what he is like towards you onto himself.

You are not being unreasonable, you sound rational and that you want your relationship to work, it isn’t you though,it is your partner… have you read living with the Dominater? It is a really helpful book about abuse, it simplifies the different tactics and educated me on what DA is, you have rights. I found it impossible to have rational conversations with my abusive ex husband and I really tried, nothing g changed , he continued to be nice then really nasty, abusive, angry, name calling… all of it ..

Keep posting ❤️ HFH
You are not alone

[Hereforhelp]

Also using your past against you is so cruel however is unfortunately a tactic used xx

[OctoberSunshine]

Hi Sogo1234,

It all sounds very confusing for you.

It sounds like he is blame-shifting, and projecting his own guilt on to you- this is probably so he can relieve himself of any accountability for his actions.

By the sounds of it, he may be creating arguments by forcing you into the perpertrator role when you’re unable to fix the problems of the relationship, some of which he has caused . Meanwhile he is painting himself as the victim and not attempting to offer a solution apart from to retreat, or force you to accept everything he needs and stating that you’re ‘difficult to love’. Which means giving up your all your needs and accepting that your love and affection will never be reciprocated.

You’re allowed to feel untrusting of him, if that’s how you feel, it’s not for him to tell you how to feel. It sounds like you have good reason too.

If it eases your anxiety, for him to have less nights out. Then it is important to find a solution together and reach a compromise. Without limiting each others wants and needs as a whole. Name calling, and using your previous vulnerabilities against you is further damaging to your trust and safety in the relationship.

Laughing at you when you cry, is a big red flag. It’s incredibly hurtful and demeaning, it shows that he has no empathy for you or your feelings.

On the other hand, you’re feeling everything on his behalf, guilt, you’re empathising with him, trying to offer solutions rationally and being emotionally vulnerable- that doesn’t strike me as ‘psycho’, or ‘ ‘narc’ behaviour.

The last part of your message, regarding trying to change yourself so there will be less arguments- it’s a big hope to have, and probably one that might not have an impact on his overall behaviour. It seems like the way he acts is intrinsical to his personality.

I think the question is to ask yourself honestly whethere it is whether it is sustainable?

If you both think there is reason to stay in the relationship, is it worth seeking out a relationship counsellor?

OS

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