11th April 2016 at 3:37 pm #13479Doglover99Participant
After an upsetting week last week, a nasty email from my husband and my son wanting to spend lots of time at his friend’s, I was feeling very sorry for myself but then decided that I have got to pull myself out of this miserable state. So, I had my first morning volunteering at a (detail removed by moderator). Everyone made me feel very welcome, I even managed to join in the conversation during the tea break. It was physically hard work but I thoroughly enjoyed it and will definitely go back this week. It really lifted my spirits. People asked me why I had decided to volunteer but I didn’t elaborate, just said I had some time on my hands.
Then next day we got an unexpected invitation to my son’s girlfriend’s house for lunch and spent a very enjoyable afternoon there with them and their friends. Again, I managed to join in the conversation throughout the afternoon and felt quite chuffed afterwards. I sometimes get so shy but for some reason, I felt very relaxed and not awkward at all although there were people there I’d never met.
I have heard through the grapevine that my husband may be seeing someone new already. He’s been seen at the local shops with some woman on more than one occasion. I can’t think it could be any of his friends but at the same time, I can’t quite believe he would have found someone new so quickly. He doesn’t have friends he goes out with so all I can think of is he’s joined a dating agency to have found someone this quickly. It could be nothing, of course, and she may just be someone he knows but all the same, a bit weird to have declared his undying love one minute and the next, he’s out there with someone else. I couldn’t even imagine dating anyone at the moment, it’s way to soon. I haven’t even dealt with all this yet, let alone go out with anyone new. Besides, I would have to get myself into shape and start looking after my appearance more before anyone would even look at me twice. I feel like such a frump at the moment. It took all my energy to go through every day last year and now I need to start looking after myself more.
Maybe that’s what his solicitor’s appointment about the divorce is all about. Maybe he has moved on, didn’t take long then. I can’t afford a solicitor so not quite sure what I’ll do if I do receive divorce papers.
Strangely I’m not upset that he may be seeing someone. Just shows the relationship was over before I even left. The more I hear about how my son suffered at his hands, the less I want to even see him. My son is still scared that he will attack him if he bumps into him. He must have said and done some very mean things for him to feel that way. My son seems to be a little more receptive to seeing someone from Victim Support so I will have a chat with him and see if he would engage this time round. I think he is starting to realise that he needs help to get over what’s happened to him. I have been open and honest with him about my counselling so maybe he will talk to someone after all.
Hoping that my spirits will remain high now. I really didn’t like going back to the depressed state and it took me by surprise. I will try to remain positive.
Hope you are all doing ok.
11th April 2016 at 7:44 pm #13498SerenityParticipant
What an amazing post.
I can sense the strength in you.
How wonderful that you have volunteered at that place. I am amazed by women’s courage and resourcefulness on this site.
I am so glad you received such warmth and an invitation for lunch. I was afraid that I would be ostracised due to my circumstances, but it’s not true, you receive lovely invitations!
Onwards and upwards!
PS Abusers can’t be on their own for long, as they need someone to control x
11th April 2016 at 7:59 pm #13501AyannaParticipant
Wonderful! You do the exact right thing to get your life back!
Do not worry a bit about his relationships with other women. Abusers typically have new partners quickly, but they do not last. It can only be in your favor for the divorce. He will want it over and done quickly. You can demand things off him and give him a hard time. He is more willing to give in to your demands if another woman pressurizes him to get it over and done. x*x
11th April 2016 at 9:56 pm #13516NemoParticipant
my husband moved in with a new gf within a week of me ending our relationship…yet since then he contested my application for a divorce endlessly (it has finally just been granted after he ran out of appeal ‘opportunities’) – i always wondered what she would make of this, and then a friend pointed out to me that it’s possible she doesn’t even know that i exist, or that he has a wife for that matter!
i’ve learnt to see it from the perspective of how pathetic it is that he can’t be on his own.
whereas i have got so much real love & real happiness in my life without the need for a romantic relationship. i don’t need a ‘partner’ to justify my existance or to improve my life in any way. our abusers probably envy us for that.
11th April 2016 at 10:14 pm #13520White RoseParticipant
Gosh. What progress! Good for you and well done. I can almost feel your smile and energy oozing from this post x*x
11th April 2016 at 11:29 pm #13529Confused123Participant
well done on your progress , u should be proud of yourself
12th April 2016 at 12:06 pm #13574mixed-up mumParticipant
Hiya – sorry I didn’t get to you yesterday to have a chat, had to go out and do the food shop, and by the time I got back and made the tea, had it, sat down and fell asleep!!!
I don’t know if you have saw my two posts last week, but I too tried volunteering, only mine didn’t go so well, but it was all my fault, they were quite nice really.
I’m so glad that yours worked out for you, and you enjoyed it, and are looking forward to going back.
You are doing SO WELL – you should be really proud of yourself – and also going out for lunch and joining in too – how nice they asked you.
I know it just warms my heart so much when someone does something nice for me, asking me out or including me in things.
But unlike you I always let myself down by not being able to join in.
I don’t know how I would cope if my ex found someone new – I’m a couple of years down the line – and yet I still think I’d feel a bit odd seeing him with someone else.
But having said that I KNOW I don’t love him anymore, and I know I’ll never go back to him – so I should feel pleased that he had moved on to someone new, least then I know I would be free and I’d hardly ever hear from him then…..
As I’ve said before my ex also has no friends and no social life – but he does dog walk – so I can see that’s possibly how he might find his next ‘victim’ – he does speak to people out dog walking.
Quite frankly it just goes to show how little these abusers actually EVER cared for us, if they can ‘move on’ so easily…..
Yes it’s a really good sign if you are not upset he may have someone new – this shows how STRONG you are now and how independent you are already.
WELL DONE – you are going from strength to strength!!!!
🙂 🙂 🙂
Keep it up!!!
12th April 2016 at 4:01 pm #13587KazaParticipant
Reading these posts is so good for me to get over my abuser. Light bulb moments come such as what mixed up mom says that these abusers never loved us in the first place when they can move on to their next victim so quick. When you think about it they have to have someone to control so will usually move onto to the next victim quick. If you really loved someone you would have to have time to grieve and get over the person that you loved. That is normal
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