Male Attention?

[Dragonfly]

I’m unsure how to deal with attention from the opposite sex. I have male friends who I’ve known for years, absolutely fine with them. Can go for lunch, visits to each others homes etc, have laughs.

The attention I’m unsure about is from new men. I have one at the moment who I recently met via a mutual friend. He’s found me on fb which I’m fine with but every other day he’s messaging me but it’s the tone of the messages. For example….. Morning gorgeous, how’s it going sexy, lovin’ your profile pic, you out tonight etc etc. I can’t cope with that in so much as I don’t know how to respond. I’ve no intention of having a new partner in my life. Feel like I don’t want to offend him by telling him to stop using those words.

Why can’t they just talk like normal people, how are you and suchlike? As I’m typing this he’s just pinged me again. I’ve not read it yet. He hasn’t asked anything about me, not asked about where I work, my interests etc. He’s only said the silly Hi sexy words and trying to find out when I’m next going to be out. As I said I don’t want a new man.

Red flag? Or me not knowing how to react to daftness? Advice welcome.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Dragonfly,

I wouldn’t like some new man I’d just met messaging me with phrases like that either. It sounds a bit sleazy and disrepsectful as he has introduced a sexual element straight away and as you said, he’s not behaving like he sees you as a human being he’d like to be friends with by asking you about your work, hobbies and interests etc.

I think a lot of the time as women we are socialised to always be ‘polite’ and blamed for ‘being rude’ or ‘a prude’ if we don’t like attention like this. I’m learning that it’s perfectly ok and actually very healthy to just blank someone like this. He’s behaving in a way that makes you uncomfortable. You could have a word with your male friends about his messages, but it sounds like he’s already showing his true colours so I’d take that as an indication that he is not worthy of your time as a friend.

I recently met a man at a workshop who started asking me on dates after I gave him my details to get work with his organisation. He was stepping over boundaries and made me feel stressed, irritated and uncomfortable. In the end I was very clear and said ‘I don’t want to meet you, sorry, all the best.’ He took it fine and I’ve not heard from him since. Only interact with people who treat you in a respectful way – you are in no way obliged to let boundary pushers, sleazy men and other undesirables into you life.

I also think because we experienced abuse it often feels awkward enforcing boundaries, and it’s something with practice gets easier.

[Dragonfly]

Thanks for replying. I’m glad it’s not just me that finds that type of one way conversation a bit insulting. I think after abuse we doubt ourselves but on the other hand we know what feels right and what doesn’t. You put it perfectly, he’s instantly put sleaze into it. Without even knowing me he thinks it’s OK to assume I’m comfortable with that. I’m obv not, hence my post. I just want to feel safe but this is making me feel very awkward. I’m not young and I’m not flattered by this either. I’m almost dreading the next time I go to my favourite bar, been going there for 30yrs. I don’t go out much now but next time I do I’m going to make sure there’s a group of us, less chance of being one on one with him.

Why on earth am I thinking like this? He’s just a guy over stepping the mark. I should be able to deal with that. Previously I could.

It puts my confidence down a bit tbh. Like I’m not in control of me. Bizarre feeling reminiscent of times gone by.

[SunshineRainflower]

Please don’t tell yourself off for feeling like this, it’s actually a very positive, healthy sign. It means you have more awareness of red flags now and are no longer willing to tolerate behaviour that makes you uncomfortable.

All of us clearly put up with far too much in our abusive relationships, and perhaps didn’t notice red flags as clearly as we do now. I believe abuse and subsequent recovery changes us as a person so we are likely to react to things differently now. I had the same fear as you about bumping into the boundary pusher I met and cancelled a few events so I didn’t have to deal with him when I was feeling very fragile. I think I’d either just blank him or deal with him in a polite professional way if I saw him now. It sounds like a good idea to go to this bar with a group and if you do see him, make it clear you’re not interested, return to focusing your energy on your friends and don’t let him make you feel guilty.

[Copperflame]

I agree with the other ladies, I think he’s being very pushy. If nothing else, I’ve learned to listen to my gut when it comes to men like this, and it sounds as if your own gut is telling you this isn’t right. It’s probably a line that’s worked for him before and now he’s trying it on with you, but you have the right not to like it and to firmly set some boundaries.

I think the problem is, we as women have been socialised to be nice, polite little girlies, especially towards men to whom we’re supposed to feel grateful for paying us attention. You say you don’t want to offend this man by telling him not to use those words, but actually he is the one whose behaviour is offensive to you and you have every right to challenge him about it.

I had a problem with setting boundaries with men and stupidly I let two men take advantage of me, so now I’ve toughened up. Another thing is we are all very vulnerable after an abusive relationship. We may not feel as if we are, but we are much more vulnerable than we realise. I was talking to a lady who helps to run a DV perpetrator programme for men, and she said that every man she talked to told her they can spot a female “target” like a hawk just by looking at her. How scary is that?

If you feel able to, I would challenge him about the way he speaks to you. If he doesn’t like it tough cheese! The worst he can do is “unfriend” you or you can block him.

Some time back I was on a dating site. Honestly, some of the men on these sites just assume they’re going to have sex with you on the first date, what a cheek! I started chatting to someone who assumed just that. I told him firmly that it was a no-no. He told me I was being silly so I immediately blocked him. He then texted me to ask why I’d blocked him and I told him it was because he hadn’t respected my boundaries. I heard no more.

I suspect that if you challenge this man, he will leave you alone and find another target.

Love Copperflame xx

[Dragonfly]

Thanks ladies. I know what to do now, trust my gut and get the hell out of there xx

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