Man commented on my weight

[SunshineRainflower]

I hope it’s ok if I share something that happened to me today that has really got to me.

I go to a volunteer project designed for people (detail removed by Moderator). Recently most of the people who attend are men with learning difficulties, or are homeless or asylum seekers. This is usually fine but sometimes they say offensive things.

Today one of these guys, who always calls me sister and tries to hug me, said ‘Hi sister, you are getting bigger and bigger’ then asked me something. I thought I must have misheard. Then later at the tea break he asks if I’m on a ‘diet again’ and starts laughing. I realise that I didn’t mishear the first time and that he is saying I have got fat. I feel completely shocked and horrified. In the past I probably would have just bowed my head in shame but I’m so sick of men saying stuff like this to women that I decided I needed to speak up. I said ‘no I am not on a diet, I never have been, I just eat healthily.’ The others then heard and told him off for saying this to me and said it was too personal. But what made it even worse was the supervisor then said ‘oh, you just meant because she is drinking herbal tea without milk didn’t you.’ I said that wasn’t it that, and told them that he’d said I’d got bigger and bigger but instead of supporting me, everyone looked annoyed. The guy even then said to me ‘oh just drink your tea’ which is akin to telling me to shut up. I am just so horrified at the whole thing – his rude, personal comments and the way the group including the superviser defended him. I think they didn’t like me ‘rocking the boat’ by speaking up about it and are alse sensitive because he has learning difficulties when I don’t, so they will defend him at all costs even if it means denying and minimising him behaving offensively. Just because someone has learning difficulties shouldn’t excuse them from being rude and cruel to others.

I got on with my work but it has really, really bothered me all day. I feel so upset about misogyny – this guy has been taught that it’s ok for men to objectify and comment on women’s bodies. My abusive ex repeatedly made comments if I ate a big meal then passed it off as a ‘joke.’ He was allowed to eat tonnes but apparently I had to be skinny at all costs. I lost a stone in weight with him due to anxiety and became underweight, and have returned to my healthy weight now, so the guy’s comments today were just so awful in light of what I went through with my ex. I’m only a UK size (detail removed by Moderator), I weigh just over 9 stone, exercise daily and eat healthily and I’ve never been considered big, I’m just average/slim, but even if I was double the size I am, it doesn’t give these men the right to make comments on my body or on any other women’s bodies for that matter.

I’ve decided it’s not a good project for me to keep going to, as the supervisers don’t support me anymore, today they minimised offensive behaviour and acted like I was the problem, and I don’t feel comfortable with the men that go.

Sometimes I just feel like everywhere I go there is always one rude, awful person who is abusive under the veil of ‘humour.’ Does anyone else find that they now notice abusive, rude behaviour as well as minimising, gaslighting, denying etc after leaving their abusive relationship? My relationship opened up my eyes to abuse in general and now I unfortunately see it everywhere.

[Tiffany]

I work with people (detail removed by Moderator). I regularly get told I am fat and or pregnant and that I need to go on a diet. Luckily I have supportive colleagues who will tell the guys it is inappropriate. Unfortunately it is common for people with learning difficulties to lack impulse control and overeat, so there is a tendency for them to be overweight themselves, and because people just aren’t that polite to people with learning difficulties they get told (away from our (detail removed by Moderator)) that they are fat and need to diet. They then think this is ok to say to other people. I know it was upsetting and that the supervisors obviously wasn’t helpful, but I wouldn’t necessarily assume it came (at least on the part of the person with learning difficulties) from a place of learned sexism.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Tiffany,

Thanks for your reply and your thoughts of this situation, it’s useful to hear it from your perspective as someone who works with people (detail removed by Moderator). I think in this particular case, the man with learning difficulties sounded like he was repeating a common conversation he had heard in his family, and like you said, he just thought it was funny/acceptable way to speak to a woman. It was just so unfortunate that his comment hit on a massive trigger for me. Before my abusive relationship I don’t think it would have upset me as much.

It wasn’t just his comments that have bothered me, it was more how to rest of the group didn’t like me speaking up about it, and how the supervisor tried to minimise his comments rather than acknowledging them, informing him that he shouldn’t say that and checking I was ok. I guess they were worried about the situation getting out of hand, but their reaction made me feel worse. I felt shamed and rejected by the entire group, who followed the supervisor’s lead.

This is a place that has been a real haven for me over the past year, but I no longer feel it’s a safe place for me to be. In my fragile mental state with PTSD post abusive relationship I can’t handle men joking about my body, being sleazy etc with or without learning difficulty. I also used to work with people with learning difficulties, and we would never let them think behaving like this was appropriate.

I feel like my support diminishes by the day, surrounded by people who don’t understand and say things that make me feel worse. This place is the only regular social activity. Maybe it’s best to just accept I can’t handle being around people who might say triggering things like this and find somewhere I feel safer.

[Serenity]

Hi Sunshine Rainflower,

I also worked with people (detail removed by Moderator) for a long time. Some of the things they say are inappropriate; some of it is learned and repeated; and as Tiffany says, many are overweight themselves due to lack of impulse control and have comments about their diet rammed down their throats by health professionals and staff daily. Without wanting to generalise, many people with learning disabilities who, for example, might live or spend time in a group setting become a bit preoccupied or at least governed by their daily routine, and food and weight is something that seems to pop up regularly in their conversation. I wouldn’t be surprised if some people with learning difficulties say inappropriate things not because they have a lack of sensitivity or awareness alone, but because they have their boundaries invaded very day by staff who speak to them like children and comment on their health and hygiene constantly. Whilst I know they need firm encitrsgent in some cases, I believe people with learning disabilities have their boundaries violated and their dignity is often sacrificed- so it’s learned behaviour. Their boundaries are violated, so they violate others. I’ve worked in (detail removed by Moderator) where I truly think the people who live there are treated quite badly.

Don’t be upset by it in terms of believing his words: you sound far from fat to me.

In terms of the other staff not directing him towards appropriate behaviour: in sounds like they tried to minimise the situation ( i.e. the reference to the herbal tea), maybe to try to move on quickly to cause you the least embarrassment or hurt possible. Maybe in a weird way they thought they were helping. But at the end of the day, it’s their role to try to guide and socialise people, and they should have been brave enough to say something.

There is a man who lives on my street who has learning disabilities. Every time I walked past him, he’s comment that I’d lost weight, or else he’d ask me when I intended to go jogging again! It was like an obsession with him.

I would say don’t take this too much to heart, in terms of believing the truth of the comments. However, you’re at a stage where you really do need supportive people around you. If you don’t feel properly supported at this place, it’s important to find a place where you are.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Serenity,

Thanks very much for your thoughts on this. It’s interesting that both you and Tiffany have received comments on your weight from people with learning difficulties too, I hadn’t realised it was a common occurrence due to people commenting on their weight a lot, and I thought I must look huge for him to imply I was fat. I guess in the end he just hit upon a massive trigger for me which wasn’t malicious but it just isn’t what I need right now when I am extra sensitive with various triggers that set me back during the early stages of recovery from abuse.

I spoke to my outreach worker about it and we both agreed these types of groups are not right for me anymore. I’m going to look at things like(detail removed by Moderator) groups instead. This group was initially wonderful but the people who go have changed and it has evolved so that now it doesn’t feel like the right place for me. Maybe this incident was helpful in that it made me realise that sooner. I’ve been feeling a bit at odds there for a while, mainly because it’s often just me and a lot of men, some of whom are sleazy, swear a lot and say things that make me uncomfortable, whereas it wasn’t like this at all when I first started attending. I’m struggling with the other attendee’s behaviour and I think perhaps the supervisors think I should just adapt to it, hence the underlying tension and lack of support I feel there.

Thank you both for helping, I feel better having shared this and hearing different view points on it, and feel like it’s helped me to make a positive decision.

[Tiffany]

Yup. Serenity explained what I meant much better than I did. I really doubt that he actually thought you were fat. I work with a lady who alternately tells me I am ‘so slim’ (I am pretty much an average weight for my height) or that I have a ten-stone stomach and need to on a diet. She is overweight herself so it is clearly a preoccupation of hers and must hear comments on her weight often. It’s the same with many of the other people I work with. (detail removed by moderator). Most places (and sadly parents) give the people they whatever foods they like and then puts the onus on them not to eat to much. It leads to lots of people who eat badly and are told off for it by the people giving them the food. No wonder their view on food, weight and dieting are messed up. And it isn’t gender specific either. It’s just unfortunate that it hit your trigger. But like you say, if it isn’t the best group for you to be in then don’t go!

[Copperflame]

Since I’ve been out of my abusive relationship, I have become very aware of just how male dominated and patriarchal our society is and how disrespectful attitudes towards women are woven into the fabric of our society. Even in modern society, despite more enlightened attitudes, there is much room for improvement because sexist attitudes run deep. I’ve even seen negative comments on social media about the new Dr Who being a woman – yet why shouldn’t we have a female Dr Who?

(detail removed by moderator)

My concern is that your feelings were dismissed and you were basically told to “put up and shut up” which to my mind is completely unacceptable. I am of the view that any negative or derogatory comments about women’s bodies whether about weight, shape, legs, breasts etc., amounts to sexual harassment which is actually unlawful. Sexual harassment is sexual harassment whether or not the perpetrator has learning difficulties, and the supervisors have a duty to protect you from unlawful behaviour.

I am very sorry to hear that you have been treated in this way.

Love, Copperflame xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thank you Copperflame, you phrased how I have been feeling recently brilliantly:

Since I’ve been out of my abusive relationship, I have become very aware of just how male dominated and patriarchal our society is and how disrespectful attitudes towards women are woven into the fabric of our society.

I feel extra aware and sensitive about attitudes towards women after my abusive relationship, and notice them everywhere now. I feel a mixture of distress, nausea, disbelief and anger every time I notice something now but haven’t been sure what to do about it. I’ve been looking at women only and feminist groups to join so that I can contribute towards helping societal change, helping reduce misogyny and helping increase and protects rights for women and girls.

It’s hard to know whether the man at the project was commenting because he himself is targeted a lot by people mentioning his weight, or because of attitudes he has absorbed from the people around him about how to speak to women. It sounded like he was mirroring/parroting a conversation style he had heard especially the way at the end he dismissively said to me at the end ‘oh just drink your tea.’ Some of the other men there (detail removed by moderator) have said quite sleazy unpleasant things, so unfortunately I think the atmosphere there has changed and doesn’t make me feel good anymore.

I didn’t realise the new Dr Who was a woman, I am absolutely delighted about this! I also saw about the shocking pay gap at the BBC, that just makes me so angry, especially since there are armies of trollish men all over the internet saying vile things about women, denying there is any inequality and claiming that they are somehow the victims of society. I’m glad they published this, and I hope it goes towards pay equality and transparency. I am still flabbergasted that in 2017 there is a pay gap, it’s like going back to the 1960s. No wonder lots of us on here, myself included, struggle to be independent from men and cover all of the bills when not only are women-friendly jobs like teaching assistants extremely poorly paid, but that even if we do get the same job as a man, they are secretly taking home for cash than us anyway!

[SunshineRainflower]

correction to my above post: *more cash

[Ayanna]

This happens to me too. I usually answer: (detail removed by Moderator) should not dare to mention my weight to me.

[Author]

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