Managing yourself better when your in the middle of the abusive relationship…

[Healthyarchive]

I didn’t live together with my ex nor did we have children so I can understand this might not be so easy if you do. My ex controlled what I thought, did & said. I know that when you are in the thick of complexity of abuse it is difficult to think clearly. I,m on week 10 of the freedom programme & have learnt about boundaries & protecting yourself. I split from him months ago.I ask myself now whether I could have kept a lot back from him, kept secrets. Even go on holiday by myself without him knowing,I could have just told him I wasn’t well & wanted a couple of weeks to myself & had started to use the sunbed 🙌 I could have pulled this off I didn’t think that way at the time, I was paralysed with fear. But to begin to be less open & giving, to try to develop some independence whilst in the thick of the abuse seems to make great sense.

[White Rose]

That’s why this support network is so important in passing on experiences and successes and maybe empowering someone else to do something sooner in an abusive relationship to avoid more emotional and physical harm.
I think it’s easier with time to recognise events we could have changed through a different stronger action or reaction but as you say, at the time, we are all paralysed with fear.
The recognition of patterns of abuse and the education of young people about what’s acceptable behaviours and how to have healthy respect for others has to be part of the process but that doesn’t stop the total destruction of self confidence and reason when you’re stuck in the middle of it.
I wish I’d asked for more respect from my abuser, asked him to recognise me as a person with feelings and opinions but he hadn’t the ability to see my strengths and he’s the one who created my weaknesses.

[Healthyarchive]

I realised after I wrote this post to be able to pull something like this off when you are in the thick of the abusive relationship would not be possible. I was paralysed by fear & controlled totally. But I wonder if it would be possible to do much smaller bite sized things . Pretending, going along with things, holding back info etc…. at the same time trying to look after yourself more. All to gain some degree of control over what you are dealing with.

[Healthyarchive]

Thank you for your feedback white Rose. Hindsight is a good thing I isn’t it. I can see clearly now things that I could have done to have made it better for myself, but at the time it was just about getting by without having a breakdown. I would have been too scared to lie. I am pleased I am not longer with him. I hope that you are OK. 🙌

[Serenity]

White Rose: If I’d asked for more respect from my abuser, this would have enraged him.

In fact, he left because for the first time, I stood up for my rights.

In my marriage, it was do things his way or be punished.

HA: when you’re in the thick of it, you imagine they are watching you, like Big Brother- even if you’re not in the same place.

The thing that galvanises you to separate off from them is, it is true, a support network.

[Author]

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