Manipulating children

[fizzylem]

What do you do when you can see he is manipulating your child? How do you deal with it?

I see it but it’s like a runaway train I can’t catch. It’s complex isnt it, but I see it and know why, as we all do, but it took years and we’re adults hey. When you are a child you simply live being manipulated, it’s too complex and emotional for her to understand what is going on here – see it for what it is, the doing nothing for her or any actual parenting is viewed as great in her eyes, dad lets me do whatever I want, not like you. Dad buys me stuff ,yes everytime he sees you if it’s no more than a tenner – but he literally does nothing for her in terms of meeting her needs or any actual parenting.

He also gives her subtle jabs and some not so subtle, of disresepct and contempt for me when with her and this then effects how she is with me – disrespectful and bolshy. She feels unimportant and has low self esteem and I know this stems from the relationship with dad, yes you think its great he lets you do nothing, but actually it is because he is not caring for her, nurturing her, giving her what she needs from him that leaves her feeling unimportant, everyone comes second to his ego and himself.

Basically, he has huge negaitive influence.

She doesn’t completely idolise him, but she wants to. He has been a dreadful parent to her some years back and it’s like she is fearful of it ever returning to this, she certainly hasn’t forgot, but she has forgiven him, it’s left her always wanting to please him, do whatever she can to keep things calm.

[Getmylifeback]

This scares me as i can see it coming.

Im so close to going but scared of the weekends the kids will be with him where theyll do what they want, have numerous takeaways, get bought toys etc. He cant br bothered to do food foor them but sucks up the rewards when daddy says theyre off to mcdonalds.

I am very close to my kids but can see hid attitude in them, especially my son who is late primary age.

[diymum@1]

hi fizz,

what some abusive men do is permissively parent – i think deep down kids know they need to be set limits and boundaries – the only thing i can say is keep going with that with them. im keeping you on the right track so when your older youll deal with the world and people around you in healthy ways.thats what a responsible parent does – not the disney dad approach, i have to say i had the opposite off this he just didnt care it was all about him. i have witnessed this through my ex sister in law though and its a tough one. as long as she knows why your parenting in the way you are as she grows up shell see this is the best way. i know idid looking back – i new when i was in the wrong and i was corrected appropraitely. i respect my parents alot because of that xx love diy mum

[freedomtochoose]

managing contact is my biggest challenge yet. and continues to be.

I can only offer what has helped, in the hope that it helps someone else.

Timespan – child and I left more than (detail removed by moderator) years ago. They are now a young teen. As grateful as I am for the residence and contact orders – as I had input in them, (detail removed by moderator) – psychologically I waver between this and dreading the fact that they will be in existence for another few years, and that I will
have to manage accordingly. The logistics of them for a start is not easy – as many on here will agree, no doubt, I..e school holidays – juggling transport and journeys and dates…of all sorts of things…

with me, once young person gets back, I have my days when I don’t think about ex at all – and carry on with new life as if he didn’t exist. Then it seems we are thrown back into a bad space so often at the pick ups and the drop offs.

Over the years they seem to have got easier. It is when I am remiss with self-care that they really hit me hard. It is almost as if I sometimes forget how nasty and underhand he is, because I try to mix with
normal
people and then am caught off guard. So what they call mindfulness, for want of a better word, helps me.

I have often tried to explain to people I know that on pick up and drop of times I am ‘not myself’ that day. I have even asked people to take this into account. But no one seems to get it aside from the women on here who have to do it and survivors…
the second thing that may be helpful is how it feels for me after so many years of following
womens aid advice ie. meet in public place etc , as little contact as possible…

It was like I needed to follow the advice mechanically for a few years, before I was able to draw boundaaaries that were second nature. practice I guess.

Thirdly,
as others have said, yes, I would say that digging deep about your own values – reflection on what you think is right and sticking to it with your kids is definitely something that will win you through in the end. What a struggle though it has often been.

Ex has even recently unexpectedly called me horrendous names because I am not willing for him to just do whatever the hxll he wants as a parent, whenever he wants and how he wants.

I think for us to be female captains of ships i.e. heads of family and leaders it takes time to grown into it, especially after what we have been through.

In some ways I have got used to doing things I believe are right as a mother, regardless of what others might say. (especially ex but not exclusively him).

who is doing this job anyway? IF we makes mistakes as mothers we are the first ones to be criticised by ex, the state, solicitors…the list is endless…

mother blaming…is rife…

let us not forget to praise ourselves for what we are doing right. collectively and for each other. it is so important…and mothering is a tough job – let alone mothering after what we have been through…

Make sense?

I like to say the Goddess choses the strongest soldiers for the toughest jobs…we may not always feel strong (I know I don’t) but look at what we do…

I had the advantage (yes advantage) of being in refuge, where there was a children’s worker and my child learned quite a lot about abusive dynamics and how to guard againast them (I think they did).

still I know they don’t want to believe their dad could do, say and think some of the things that he still does. Who would? It’s awful.. that they cause us so much stress, expense and time-wasting with it, as well as sorrow.

but they are not going to win, now, are they?

all best
ftc
x

[fizzylem]

Guess we’ve just got to stay the course and have faith it will come good, focus on what we’re doing, use it as stuff they can grow from, help them build resiliance hey. Winds me up to the max tho, it’s all little things now, but its because they are a constant, suppose I should be grateful we’re not dealing with his rage and total neglect of her anymore. It’s just things like (detail removed by moderator), or  (detail removed by moderator) – like a child, mocking the boundaries all the time.

Sick of the p***k DM, such a s****y parent. She dropped to one meal with him a week after a period of much more and one of the good things to come out of that was that she started to eat better and lose the weight; they both think its funny that dad doesnt buy fruit and has no food in his cupboards – w*f?

She’s lovely and healthy again now because of the food I’m feeding her and the clubs and activities I get her to or do with her for health and fitness. He simply doesnt get this at all, not even on his radar. Don’t let this put you off GMLB, there are ways through it. But yes, in many ways we have even less influence over him as a parent when we leave; BUT, if it is that bad then we act, remove the children or call childrens services (actually, from what Ive learnt on here, I would probs try and set it up so that her teacher or the GP rang them, a professional, as sometimes the mum gets accused of making it up as rubbish as that is).

They will always manipulate others. Get so cross with myself for landing her with him for a father sometimes. I’d like to home school her for a bit until we find a permanant place to settle, think would be good for her, see how we got on with it; but I know he will not see how this could benefit her at all and will just use it as something he can use against me with professionals. But do you know what, might just do it anyway and and see what happens because something I always come back to is, do what is best you her and you, so far this has never let me down, maybe this will be the ultimate test of that x

[fizzylem]

Dunno FTC, he will always set out to ‘win’; I feel like not fighting him on anything sometimes, to remove his power that way, make it end – whatever the consequences maybe.

I hear yer tho, stay the course.

Do you regret going through the legal system at all? I can see its benefits as we would get some protections in place, but I also see it as something he will always use to abuse with and the moment I cant comply, thats when he’ll spring me. Quite simply, I know I wont send her if she doesnt want to go, wont have it in me, I’d rather take the hit myself than put her through doing something she doesnt want to do as far as he’s concerned, so it feels like I’m just walking into a trap – a trap he’s setting and listening to ladies on here, it seems like one big gamble, and at the end of the day, he will get contact, so what is the point?! x

[freedomtochoose]

would go with the do what you think is best bit fizz definitely

[freedomtochoose]

in answer to your question fizz, in the main, and most of the time, I don’t regret going through the legal system.

There are moments and I still have moments where I think
oh no not another x years of these contact orders etc

and I can’t pretend it hasn’t been diffiuclt often. Quite often she hasn’t wanted to go. And I
Ve faced that bridge of telling her she has to, which I quite understand how difficult it is , and was
for me –

how ive tackled it is to tell her she has to because it is a court order..in that sense it has been useful
as it kind of took the onus off me, and put it back on the legal system.

which strangely, has sometimes if not mostly helped.

I think he hates the court order that we have. I know so because he did his best to argue against it at the time…

like some sort of rebellious….creature…just imagining he can do whatever he likes, whenever he likes…to make life as difficult as possible for me, (and not caring how difficult this might make it for her…)

goodness, what it must be like to have a supportive partner, I can’t imagine.

in the meantime I make do with the contacts I have,
and he can no longer argue that I am a cxxp mum after all this time…

ftc
x

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