many years free but back to square 1

[Bettybird]

Hi all… Im back here after years of being free and safe. more than one abusive relationship but heres my problem. I have been having flashbacks and have been thinking alot about what I have been through. I had my first panic attack at work the other day as a trigger occurred at work. I feel really confused as i am actually friends with my long term abuser and I feel no malice.I should feel something as he raped me countless times ( amongst other things)but I feel nothing. Its like its not me when I relive or “see” the things he did. I think he doesnt realise it was rape as I didnt know either until I researched on the forum. I have been in my first ever normal healthy relationship for a while and ive moved in with him. Im doubting whether i can have a normal relationship as im super sensitive to anything my chap does and I give him hell. I think Im better off on my own to be honest. My lovely chap has no idea what abuse even is and he doesnt want to know as he cant understand it. I am totally alone in dealing with this. im just so confused. Ive researched and it seems i might have ptsd. In my other abusive relationship i had a poor dog thrown at me in the shower. then the man went downstairs to get a knife to kill us both….again this is a common flashback but i just feel numb and sick… its a really strange sensation. Im sorry to waffle and flit but thats my mind at the moment.

[Confused123]

HI HUn

YOu could be having a delayed reaction, u must of been trautmised by the abuse and mnow you feel safe , your brain is recalling what happened, the night my ex tried to kill me , i was totally trautmised my brain actually block the whole night out, the next morning i had no memeory of the event at all, he terriosed me so much my brain actually switch off, it was onlyu cause i overheard the ex b in law speaking to ex about the incident that i went into whaty i would describe as internal shock, i recall bits of the incident in the night and the fact that when i seek ed help from his help after and they all ignored me , i switched off again. It was only when i started counselling my cousnellor talked in detail with me about what happened that night, and eaven she discussed it very slowly with me as she said your going into shock again, but u need talk about it. I think i must of cried every session with her for good few months just trying to recall what happened , and talking about the fear and terror i felt.

YOu sound like you have a really nice guy now, i would seek cousnelling

[Bettybird]

good to hear from you! I am waiting to be contacted for counselling and im bricking it but need to do it. I hope I dont mess up my relationship now, fingers crossed.

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