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Hello everyone I am new to this site, although years ago I did look on here for help or advice, but now I am writing to hopefully give just one person some hope for the future….
I wont give background on the abuse I went through (but it was bad) mentally, emotionally and physically and going to a refuge was not my choice I was moved by the police, so at the time I was in an awful place as I felt I had absolutely no control over mine and my child’s life what so ever. My Abuser was in prison so I thought I was safe….but I wasn’t.
I was angry and depressed, at the time I thought I was angry at all the people helping me because it infuriates you when you feel like your being punished just as much as your abuser…..but years down the line I realised I was mainly angry with myself, angry I didn’t just walk away the very first time, angry that my child had witnessed the things they had… and angry I had been so naive…..I had no idea that one person could walk into your life and completely turn it upside down the way ours had been.
It’s been many years since I was in the refuge and I will be honest it took me a long long time to feel safe again, but I do now…..don’t get me wrong there are times when a song comes on or something triggers a memory I would rather forget but it does get easier and I feel 10 times stronger than I did before this experience. Sometimes I worry what the future holds but I just always remind myself how far I have come and how much I have grown as a person since then….Always try and find at least one positive in your situation, it is the only thing that will keep you going, and remember that things truly do happen for a reason, the reason may not be clear right now but one day it will and it will all make sense to you.
For me I moved, joined up to self defense classes and took a degree and passed, keeping yourself busy once you have moved is the best thing to do…..otherwise you will sit at home driving yourself insane with all the “what ifs” in life…….and when you have been through what we have there will be a lot of what ifs and fear whirling around inside your head. I didn’t have any counselling and I really do think I should have as only a week ago I was diagnosed with anxiety, when the doctor asked when I first became anxious and I told her about the refuge I burst into tears and could hardly speak which I wasn’t expecting…..all these years I have tried hard to block out what happened and what I went through only talking to family, but with family you always think of their feelings so you hold back on the true extent of your own emotions and what you went through so I would advise you to talk about it and set it all free. I suffer from anxiety because I kept all my fears and worries bottled up for so long, then when a family member became poorly it tipped the worries and anxiety over the edge.
Please dont be dis-heartened by me saying I suffer from that, Anxiety is only fueled by our thoughts and is simply far too much adrenaline racing around your bloodstream, so it was because I hadn’t spoken properly about the trauma I had been through, so free your thoughts with someone you feel comfortable with and that won’t judge you.
If you have children that are old enough to talk to, be honest with them, tell them you are sorry for what they experienced and that you will never put them in a situation like that ever again, they need so much re-assurance maybe more than us. But they too will be ok as long as you talk to them, they are experiencing this just as much as you so please dont block them out, the relationship you have with your children/child is what will keep you going and keep you strong through all of this.
I have also found Love…a real LOVE, which Im sure lots of you are worried about, you were made to feel like you were ugly, worthless, it was all your fault (and it wasn’t by the way) its because of you they were like that…….rubbish……pure rubbish.
I had made a few bad relationship choices in my life but thanks to the refuge and that whole experience I can safely say I would NEVER make a bad relationship choice again and that alone is a great achievement, I spent many years alone, learning about myself and what was important to me and I learnt to appreciate myself and the strong lady I had become…..I did come across a few manipulators along my lonely road but after what I had been through and things I learnt about Manipulators you can now spot them from a mile off and therefore steer clear of them lol. Another great lesson to have learnt from the experience.
I have now met the most amazing man that I could have ever asked for, a true gentleman….He does know about my past in the refuge and I know he takes extra care with my feelings because of that which is lovely. My child adores and trusts him which I am so thankful for after all that they have been through. But time is a great healer along with a lot of self growth.
I could honestly write forever about my experience but I dont want to bore you all 🙂 I just want to say YOU WILL BE OK, you will get through this and be so much stronger for it. Just try and stay positive no matter how hard it gets and always smile, dont let this situation harden you to the possibilities of the future, plus a smile can show you wont be beaten by this.
One piece of advise I was given by victim support that has stayed with me forever “no reaction is better than any reaction”…….with social media as large as it is today people will try to provoke a reaction from you…..don’t rise to it, delete, block or ignore but never react, your better than that.
All my love the chatty Newbie
xxxx“Use your smile to change this world, but don’t let this world change your smile”
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Thank you Happynow, I read your story and it’s very inpsiring and positive, I’m so happy that you broke free, got safe and found love, how wonderful and it proves that there is life after abuse and a good life too.
I’m feeling low today, been applying for work all day and it just feels so hard to stand on my own two feet, but I guess if I keep working towards my goals each day in time I will get there. Thanks for sharing xx
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I’m glad it helped a little, I remember very very clearly how I felt when I was in the refuge, I felt like a failure in so many ways, that was definitely my lowest point in life and I just found it hard to have hope but I promise you once you are free everything will start falling into place, some things slowly and some things will happen quickly, but you will get there and will be very strong and extremely proud of yourself when you do x*x
Stay strong and if you ever need a chat I’m here.
Happynow x*x
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Hi Happynow,
Thank you for the hope you are giving that there is life after abuse and we will get through it. I too am easily triggered into anxiety but I have healed a lot by reading the posts on this Forum and sharing my experiences, strength and hope.
Welcome to the Forum. Please keep posting and sharing your strength, healing and positivity. There is strength in our collective experiences. None of us can cope with abusers on our own but together we can help each other to break free from any abusive relationships whether they be intimate partner, family members, friends or work colleagues.
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I’m so pleased to see that my post is helping, thank you x*x it’s also helping me as its giving me the chance to talk and to help and mainly I just want to help, I remember how sad I felt back then so I just want to give people hope and make them smile 🙂
I’m reading a great book at the moment for Anxiety called Anxiety, Panicking about panicking by Joshua Fletcher. I saw someone from my past and it brought on a panic attack and the extreme fear of fainting that’s how the anxiety was discovered and this book has helped so much and I only got it less than a week ago lol. I think after our experiences we tend to over think everything so this book was re-assuring.
Thank you so much for your reply x*x
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hi
thx u for posting and sharing , always helps to see their is light at the end of the second tunnel, i found the first tunnel was leaving them, the second tunnel is your recovery
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Hiya
Some amazing advice, I completely agree with you last line about your smile. You make such a difference to the outside world by a smile and to people who don’t know what challenges you have been through behind closed doors.
well done, x*x
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Fantastic story Happynow, one which I totally understand as I have been through it all and come out the other side truly happy and content. Some days I still wake up and can’t quite believe I am in the position I am now. Like you said i hope that we can share our success stories and help those that are still going through the struggle to keep moving forward.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how dark it may seem at the moment.
x*x
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Hi, Happynow, congratulations on your situation – I wish you well. I would just like to make the following points, in reply to your main post.
1) I really think the only person who ought to be apologising for putting the children in a situation of domestic abuse is the perpetrator. As much as a mother might want to tell the children they won’t be put in that situation again, she may find the court finds differently.
2) I can appreciate why people get comfort from ‘everything happens for a reason’ in order to teach us a lesson, but I don’t think that is well applied to a situation of domestic abuse.
3) It simply is not possible for someone to know whether they will experience domestic abuse again, and I don’t see it as someone making a bad relationship ‘choice’.
4) I just happen to be someone whose smile has been affected by domestic abuse, for reasons I won’t go into here. -
Hi Older Lady
I also feel that many people would feel a sense of guilt for what their children have been through…..which is completely normal. I’m not saying that anyone man or women deserves abuse in any form as they don’t and it isn’t our fault if we are unfortunate enough to come across one of those horrible humans, but unfortunately it does happen.
1) If you wait or think for one second that you will get an apology from the perpetrator you will have a very long and disappointing wait, as they do not care about the hurt they cause to people, so it is our duty as parents to re-assure our children we will TRY not to get into that situation again, it was wrong of me to say never as we can’t control the future or another human beings personality, but I know personally after my experience in the refuge that if I ever met a man like that AGAIN I would 100 per cent be strong enough to walk away the first sight of it with no second chances given, but that is just me personally. Mainly because I now know the consequences to my life if I dont, I have learnt a valuable lesson. The court was beyond unfair to me and could basically do nothing which made me so angry, he even got housed before I did but unfortunately the laws are the laws whether they are fair or not, something beyond our control. I also feel that many people would feel a sense of guilt for what their children have been through…..which is completely normal. I’m not saying that anyone man or women deserves abuse in any form as they don’t and it isn’t our fault if we are unfortunate enough to come across one of those horrible humans, but unfortunately it does happen.
2) When I said everything happens for a reason I meant due to my past I now have a happier life where I live, my child is happy, I have achieved many things I would not have if I was still living where I was………that was my “reason” for the horrible period of my life, I wasn’t saying the abuse happened for a reason, that is just insane lol, but I completely understand that you have a different point of view and totally mis-read the hope I was trying to give others, hopefully one day you too will see there is light at the end of the tunnel. Alot of people don’t understand that saying.
3) I completely understand what you are saying, but everyone’s personal experiences are different. I know due to my own low confidence I kept going towards the wrong type of man so I did make bad relationship choices but again that was my own personal experience….no two people are the same.
4) Not all people can smile again which is terrible but many many women can and I am simply here to show women that there are some success stories after such a terrible trauma and I’m sorry if it didn’t help you but like I said everyone is different and I have helped some people on here and that I am grateful for.
I’d also like to note that there is always a sense of fear inside of me due to my experience, it isn’t all rosey 24/7, but every year gets easier if you learn to make peace with the situation and try to find the positives on your journey forward rather than dwell on the negatives.
Our thoughts are extremely powerful and can have such an impact on our lifes.
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Hi, Happynow. I have read your reply, which I want to acknowledge. I do read it differently, but appreciate an intention to inspire hope. x
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