Massively underestimated the danger of leaving..

[gettingtired]

Hi,

I’m new to the realisation of what’s been happening to me for a number of years now and the panic of what I need to do is starting to set in.
From his actions/behaviour I’m starting to realise he is not going to make it easy and it will probably be impossible for me to leave ‘normally’…
The added pressure is I really cannot face explaining to my family (who I’ll be moving back to) the truth. I want to just tell them we havent been getting on and his mental health is bad. I know I should come clean but I really cannot face that right now with everything else going on.. I understand this will probably make it harder for me though.
My question is, do you act normal right up until leaving? But on a brave face and pretend everything is totally fine and go along with whatever he says? Won’t the shock of me leaving then make him even more crazy when I do go?
A recent nasty episode has occurred and he’s apologised, said he wants to change, hates who he is and kept asking me if I’m going to leave him saying he’s worried I will blah blah.. the shocking part was after the apology he asked me to do a rather unreasonable favour for him and when I questioned why I had to do it and not him he turned nasty in his voice again saying fine don’t do it as if to say how could you not do that for me!! I actually laughed out loud at this point which annoyed him and made me realise I need to work out how I’m going to behave and put on an act possibly? The mistake I made during the latest drama was start calling him out for what he is (from all my new found knowledge on here, books etc) which actually made him even more angry/crazy.
I haven’t quite figured out how I’m going to do it yet. We have a pet together and I know if I try to leave first then go back for the pet he will threaten to hurt said pet.. If I take our pet he will no doubt threaten to destroy my belongings.. He’s already threatened to throw all my stuff out in the street or not let me get it which I told him is illegal. He laughed at that and said he can just put it outside in bags.
Oh and to top it off I’m being made redundant so I’m trying to apply for jobs, attend interviews etc etc all at the same time which is making me think maybe I wait to leave once I’ve sorted a new job rather than trying to do it all at once?!

Is there anyone else out there in this situation right now or already been through it?

[Scapegoat]

Are you okay? Your post seems to have been missed so am bumping you up again.
Why do you feel you can’t tell your family? Is it the embarrassment or fear.
I’m wanting to leave but haven’t got the guts, haven’t got anywhere to go but have a great job which he regularly threatens to lose for me if I cross him.
I’ve had enough and can see right through him, and stupidly told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore. I also get if I step out of the front door I have to take every single one of my things as the rest will be dumped or burned. He even to,d he’ll burn the house down so I’ll get nothing. He is completely on my case now so cannot plan anything as am exhausted and a nervous wreck. Could you get your pet somewhere safe and make up it’s at the vets or something or would one of your family help you get out? Is it better to get out then find a job, you would be entitled to benefits surely which could help get you sorted.
Really feel for you, stay strong ❤️

[gettingtired]

Thanks so much @Scapegoat. No I’m not ok at all, I’m totally exhausted and feeling very alone.
I don’t think I can bare to tell my family because of the shame and embarrassment of it all. I feel like a huge disappointment to them ever though they say I’m not. I don’t feel I’ve succeeded in life like I should (probably because my life has always been all about him and his needs 🙄). It’s confusing though because he acts encouragingly about me applying for better jobs but then destroys my confidence/mental health in other ways. I’m not sure he realises what he does. We have been together for many years and although my family are aware of his mental health struggles they know nothing of the abuse. I have a real problem with opening up to people so pretend everything is ok to everyone all the time. I’ve only told one friend and even they dont know the extent of it because I’m far too embarassed to admit it even to them.
I wont be able to make an excuse about our pet having gone. When that happens I’ll have to tell him and I’m scared all hell will break loose.
There’s no way I can get all of my belongings and animal out in one dash and he will definitely try to deny me access to our house/threaten to destroy things if I try to go back.
Sorry for rambling and I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through it as well.
When you say you made the mistake of telling your partner you didnt want to be with him is that because his abuse got worse when you did? x

[Watersprite]

Hi Gettingtired. Your instinct re leaving is bang on it is the most dangerous time and even abusers who aren’t physical can become really unsafe. Your gut is telling you. Get a plan on place call women’s aid for support maybe your GP. If your family are safe and supportive reach out you are going to need people around you for the next bit of your journey. We had to flint and leave so much can’t say more left a note and got out. Don’t tell him your plans – keep moving forwards. There are always reasons to stay – new job what ifs poor him kids house but in the end all that matters is safety and finding freedom 😊 Take support – you sound like you are on your way x

[gettingtired]

Thanks so much @watersprite. It’s going to be so hard and I know he’s going to try ruining my life no doubt. Just hope I have the strength to do it x

[Weak Link]

Hi gettingtired,

I thought i would just look for how people have accomplished freedom and came across your post. I am so very sorry to read about the circumstances you are in. But from reading your comment on my post earlier, it sounds as though you are taking all the right steps. As I mentioned, I need that courage.

I hope you are safe. xx

[gettingtired]

Thanks so much @weaklink. I’m still not sure how much courage I really have 😔 I wish I didnt love or care about him so much still but I do. He uses drugs and alcohol and has mental health problems which all add to my guilt. I think I am experiencing trauma bonding which I’m sure a lot of ladies on here are/did.
I try to believe that we all have the strength within it’s just finding that. Hope your day is going well x

[Beautifulday]

@gettingtired
I can completely resonate with how you feel exhausted and feel like you can’t tell your family , I havent told mine either they still think we are in a perfect marriage apart from my mother who I think senses something is off , mothers tend to have that ability to sense things dont they.

I have told one friend but like you say not the full extent of it as im too embarrassed. I sometimes feel like if I say the full extent of it im worried my family especially the males will be so shocked and annoyed they’ll want to come around to my home have a word with him , I dont think they would but our minds just race with all the what ifs. We are empaths so we are constantly thinking about HIS needs, not to make HIM look awful, not to paint HIM in a bad light 🙁 when we should be thinking about us, and only what makes us happy isn’t it. Its so 4asy for me to give you advice but I can honestly say im in the same boat as you and its horrid.

I’ve made steps to getting out and want to tell all my family but part of me feels scared of what will happen after that as I still have to live with him until divorce is through so I’m thinking do I just keep quiet until that point. Its so difficult and I completely feel for you.

I’ve tried now each time I speak to my friend saying a bit more and a bit more gradually opening up. Also womens aid weew brilliant I told them everything. I was nervous at first but once I started talking it all just came out. Have you tried calling them? It will feel like a huge weight off your shoulders honestly it will. Its not healthy to keep so many feelings and emotions inside we have to let it out somehow . ..keep posting here we are here for you xx

[gettingtired]

Hi @beautifulday, so sorry to hear you’re in the same horrible boat as me.
Yes I’m exactly the same so embarassed by it all I could never imagine telling my family even though I know it would take a weight off my shoulders I just cant do it!
You’re sooo right about us being empaths, I’m always feeling bad for others or thinking about what they may be thinking/feeling. I like that about myself but can also now see why I’m in the situation I am 😔
It would be so much easier if he would leave me.. even though I still love and care about him so much (making it even harder!!)
Does your husband not know you want to divorce him? From what I’ve heard and read they dont seem to want to leave us unless they have another woman lined up!
I’m trying to build up the courage to call womens aid but I’m still too scared I will just break down on the phone and not be able to talk. I just find it all so embarassing, wish I didnt 😥 x

[Beautifulday]

@gettingtired

These men prey on people like us! They are drawn to our empathy and kind natures and they take advantage of this, ive had to try so so hard to keep thinking of myself and putting myself first because it always comes back to him, and what if he can’t cope, what if he gets depressed, what if HE HE HE HE always its about him. Its taken me a few months and im getting there slowly

With regards to the divorce situation, ive broached the subject of not being happy a few times, mentioned I want a divorce I even offered to buy him out but everytime I brought the subject up he completely dismisses it, carries on as normal, carries on being controlling , then he’s all nice being all loving etc I don’t fall for it, so basically I felt im just getting nowhere I think he believes I dont have the guts to file and im talking nonsense and that’s why I had to do it otherwise there would be no way out for me.

What makes my situation harder to leave is the fact we own our home but its in my sole name as his credit rating was bad so I can’t just up and leave as everything is in my name, when I suggested selling the home he threatened to burn it down, told me im a b***h and ill get nothing from him, says there is no way he’s leaving this house. I can’t kick him out as its our marital home and you can’t just kick someone out if its your marital asset. Its just as much his as it is mine. So the only thing I could do was contact the solicitor otherwise I feel I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I honestly feel on the verge of it 🙁

[gettingtired]

@beautifulday Yes they totally take advantage of it.
So unfair your kindness of putting the house in your name because he has bad credit is now working against you. My only saving grace is we are not married/house owners/parents. I have so, so much sympathy for the women trying to deal with that as well. I honestly think dealing with that on top of it all would just send me over the edge!
So sorry you’re feeling close to breaking down. Then trying to act normal and deal with life as well just takes it out of you. Hope your evening has been ok x

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