Maybe a relationship?

[Alone]

I’ve very briefly browsed, and noticed that I’m not the only one to have concerns about this topic, but I’m rushing to add my post as I won’t be alone much longer, and I will definitely come back a bit later tonight to read others’ experiences on this too!

My abuser was my mum, who passed away. Now a sibling carries on the abuse, but isn’t as successful as she was, but still has a devastating affect on me. It hasn’t been that long since my mum passed away, so I still struggle with her death, and also our relationship.

I met this guy, who came into my life after she passed away, so I was vulnerable. That meant I didn’t put much effort into things at all, and we were more passing acquaintances who kept bumping into each other, more than anything else. I had no attachment to him whatsoever, and didn’t put much thought into anything.

Anyway, fast forward to now, and things have got a little more serious. He now knows what I’ve been through, but edited versions, as I’m not ready to talk about things in detail yet. I think it will be a while and seeing if he sticks around before I do.

He really seems to understand me. He’s been through some tough times too, where people attempted to abuse him, but instead of breaking, as I feel I did, he got stronger. And not in an angry way, but more a tougher character – in that he knows what people say and do are a reflection of themselves, and not him.

We very recently had a heart to heart, which neither of us are used to. We were very open about things, and agreed that we want to be a part of each other’s lives. He respects my boundaries, and I respect his. We talk openly about them.

I’m frustrated though, about my insecurities. I find I get so insecure and need reassurance at times! For instance, abuse made me hyper aware of people’s emotions. I would try to read a room and person to assess whether trouble was about to come my way. That habit hasn’t disappeared, and I did that with him. He was worried about something, shortly after I had spoken to him, and so I couldn’t help but think his emotion was something to do with me, and that trouble was going to come my way. I couldn’t reassure myself, I got scared and I asked over and over again if he was angry with me, if he was going to get angry about this later. He would tell me everything was fine, but still I couldn’t shake that awful feeling that something horrible was going happen.

I understood what was happening to me, and I was able to explain it to him and he understood completely. He was extremely patient with my repeated questions seeking reassurance that he wasn’t about to get angry at me. He answered me every time, and didn’t get frustrated at all.

I don’t know what will happen, and I don’t want to overthink it, but I don’t know how to start trying to break the habits I learned to keep me safe from abuse. I wish I was able to separate those habits and only use them where the abuse actually is/was, and not on people I really care about! I also don’t want to put this on him, as I feel it’s mine to deal with.

Does anyone have any helpful tips for starting to break these habits, or any advice at all on close friendships/relationships after abuse?

Thanks in advance,

Alone

[Alone]

Never mind, I’ve decided to forget about it

[Author]

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