maybe i am the problem

[Rainbows]

tried talking to him last night and got no where apart from him ending up stomping off to bed after him raising his voice and swearing at me.
ive told him its over and we need to talk sensible, to where we go from here. i asked him to stop swearing and raising his voice at me for him to say just because i wasn’t shouting, i was still telling him to **** off and hes a **** but in a nice way.
maybe it is me, maybe i shouldn’t pick up on the little things he do/don’t do and mention it to him. ive told him each day this week hes been nasty to me in some way or another, to be told i have to him too.
its going to be a long bank holiday weekend.

[Bridget Jones Is Free]

This reflects perfectly what I am living at home, there is often a full battle of wills, and no remorse from him apart from false promises he has changed (I ask how and he doesn’t answer, he actually gets nasty and accuses me of not going forward instead), he is not concerned about how I feel (as you mention Serenity) and cannot answer the questions I ask about how he thinks I felt when he did x, y or z. He goes into complete silence or starts accusing me of being lazy lately, leaving my stuff everywhere, etc. All tactics to go off piste.

I do question myself an awful lot too, sometimes too much only to go in full circles. I end up giving up on hoping and even living. I sound positive and no I do not ”plunge” completely into depression etc. But it hurts to not be heard, to feel crazy, angry, hurt, ignored, disrespected, neglected, abused.

This weekend he ended up throwing something at my face. I was shocked to say the least, he is so close to hitting me again, I know it. I always end up wondering what I have done wrong just like Rainbows, and I blame myself often, I doubt myself. I have also noticed how anxious I have become and I am on the lookout for things that need to be done in the house as he says nasty things about how lazy he thinks I am, so in order not to give him ammunition and to prove I am not lazy (as the kids hear his comments and some of them are also judging me) I double my energy and get on with lots of things.

It is not us who are the problem, it is them. Where there is no love, there is no respect. Where there is abuse, there are victims, and there are culprits too…But the culprits are not us.

[Rainbows]

I hope yr weekend was ok in the end xx

glad to hear how I am feeling is normal.

[Rainbows]

thank you x

[Author]

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