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Starmoon, they are able to move on so easily because unlike us, they are incapable of love. They lack empathy and normal human emotions. It might look all perfect now, but she will be in for the same abuse that you experienced, he will just keep up the facade as long as he can as it makes him look good. My ex was cheating on me with multiple women, he is probably on his third girlfriend (victim) by now. It is so painful as we loved these men, fell for all their lies, but in the end, we know how to love and can go on and love again, but they will always be stuck in the hell they create.
It was not you. You are not to blame. He is an abuser, displaying classic abuser tactics. Please be kind to yourself. I know how much pain you must be in right now, I have felt that pain myself and it is the worst thing in the world. But you have yourself, you have your children, and they have you, and they need you. Please ring the Samaritans, I rang them yesterday as I was feeling so low and spoke to a really nice lady who helped me. She reminded me that my ex was a loser who shouldn’t be let loose on women, and that he is not worth giving up my dreams for. The same goes for you, he is not worth it, you are so much more important than him, a much more worthy, valuable person who feels love and who feels pain, a regular, wonderful human being. You need to try to disengage with him and go no contact, as he continues to torture you deliberately throug contact, both direct and indirect. If you can disengage, he can’t hurt you anymore and you can start to heal. It hurts like made but it does get better. Take it moment by moment and keep going.
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Starmoon, you have come so far. You have recognised the abuse. You have managed to leave. You said earlier that you are still in love with this man and he has been waving his new girlfriend around in your face. Knowing what you know now, and remembering that you were once that woman and you have got away, is a massive victory. He will go on and do the same to the next girlfriend and the one after that and the one after that. You are out of that cycle.
I loved my husband for far too long and have endured being miserable with him long after he last sexually assaulted me.
I thought, because I married him I had no option really than to stay. It was only when my daughter attacked me and he blamed me that the final straw on the camel’s back broke. Of course the divorce had to be his idea. Cue vitriolic letters full of lies from a solicitor.Your children need you. It is really difficult sometimes, and the feelings of desperation are sometimes overwhelming. I am massively drugged up at the moment. Even so, I sometimes feel like screaming and howling. It’s not really happening apart from in my head. Keep going. Things do get better.
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Starmoon. They are liars. It doesn’t matter how perfect you were. The whole point of abuser is they find something to torture you over because they get a huge thrill out of your pain. It’s not even personal. It could be any woman. Any victim. I’m sorry you are still in this pain and you have been through so much with this monster. You had even started giving great support to other women in here. This pain will pass. You just need to pick yourself up again. Go total no contact. Even with his ex and even with his family meantime. Everything was a huge trigger for me in the beginning but slowly I reintroduced people I when I could handle it. Ring the helpline on here for a chat. Do you have a good counsellor? Maybe go back to your GP. You are such a strong person to have survived what he put you through. Enough is enough x
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Hi Starmoon,
I just wanted to show you some support. You have been doing so well so please don’t let this set you back. You were not to blame for his behavior, he choose to abuse you and to blame you as he is abusive. Trying to understand his behavior is only going to confuse you, instead focus your time and attention on yourself and your family. Try to do something nice for yourself every day and reach out for the help and support that the helpline, your local Women’s Aid group and even your GP can offer. If you are feeling really low then please may an emergency appointment with your doctors. Sadly the only person that is important to love you, is you. You have to learn to love yourself and be happy with yourself and that can be hard when your confidence is at rock bottom due to domestic abuse but please know you are not alone, we are all here for you.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I honestly don’t see the point in carrying on anymore.. I’ve tried to pick myself up so many times. I cant cope that my kids see him every week. I dont see him because hand over os threw my mum, but my eldest talks about him.. hearing anything about him just brakes me and sends me back down the same spiral. But when i try to talk to my mum (the only support I have) she says it’s ground hog day, she doesn’t want to hear it, can’t be my agony aunt… even says I’m using emotional black mail as I say i cant cope with the kids going to his.. but i cant. How can I ever get over him if im reminded every few days how perfect he is. And then the latest is that hes got a new love. I always believed you didn’t have children with someone unless you were going to spend your life with that person. But now I am broken and feel unlovable and damaged beyond repair… but he is fine. I feel like I cant live like this. I cant cope any more hearing about him… so what do it Do… I cant stop him seeing the children as that makes me selfish so I feel like I have to give up and let him have them and
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Hi Starmoon,
I am new here, but let me tell you that what you are feeling to this man is not love. It is dependance. Dependance on feeling some bad and destructive emotions. You are trapped until you understand why you need these emotions to feel. This is about the childhood usually, when one of the parents made you feel the same (usually father). You will be free when you understand you dont want to suffer but want to be happy and enjoy the life. -
Hugs, Starmoon.
An abuser will always, always project blame ( even if he fakes an apology).
You were born a valuable person Starmoon, and you continue to be valuable.
A friend of mine went through dreadful mental abuse and I asked her when she knew she was overcoming it. She said that it was when she realised that she was not defined by his opinion of her- or her experience with him.
I don’t for one second believe that you were at fault. Your ex sounds like a real Headworker- my ex’s clone!
However, maybe you need to look at self-blame which I think is what is holding you back:
Even if you were to blame (which you’re not- you were just reacting to abuse as any human would), you would have every right to move in and create a new life and future.
We can drive ourselves crazy wanting our abuser to admit his wrongs and validate our feelings that we were abused by them. The sad fact is, they don’t give us such a gift.
Abusers will go to great lengths to appear the victim when they leave a relationship ( and they normally leave because hey know the victim is becoming intolerant of their abuse).
Only yesterday, I was having this discussion with some ladies- for example, how ( like my ex did ) a manipulator will set up a situation to make their partner look bad if they are having an affair, so that when they leave they looms like the victim who
has escaped a horrible angry woman! Abusers are adept at pushing out buttons and triggering us.Abusers are called perpetrators for a reason- that is, they instigate and perpetrate the crime. Victims suffer and react. They aren’t robots.
It’s quite common for victims to ultimately take on some of the abuser’s harsher traits when dealing with an abuser. It’s a way of protecting yourself. When I first met my ex, I was so loving and giving. Unfortunately, he just ridiculed it and took advantage. Towards the end, I was running on empty. I wasn’t giving anymore. I didn’t want to give him anything more of myself. Why should I? He shouldn’t have dared to take what he had up until then. These abusers think as relationship should be focussed only on them and their needs, their immature needs.
You don’t need to be perfect to be hugely valuable, Starmoon.
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Hi Starmoon
My abuser left me after a couple of months of saying he would be a good man to me. He said he left me because I Am a worthless w***e… But the truth was that he left because he understood i was tired of how he was treating me and that i knew i deserved better, so he found Another victim. Our relationship was toxic from the start. He was emotionally abusive for years. He cheated throughout our entire relationship. When i tried to do better for myself I was labelled a w***e and the physical abuse began. I am lucky to say i dont know where or what that m**********r is doing now. Yet I am not happy.
i still endure, like all of us here, great moments of pain. Starmoon you are going through one of those intense moments of pain. Please know you are not alone and you are supported here. (detail removed by moderator) Bonds form when people live together… And negative bonds are stronger that normal healthy bonds. I hope it helps to understand a bit of the science of the thing. Your abuser is not perfect. You know the horrible things he is capable of… but The bond really messes with our brains… Give yourself time, for yourself to heal. And Limit as much as is possible your contact with him. Unfortunately yes you still have to have some contact because of your kids.. But limit it as much as you can, for your own wellness. You are such a strong woman, you can do this. -
Thank you for your replies. I just can’t seem to make any sense of anything. This time of year is a huge trigger for me as I had my biggest brake down whilst pregnant with my youngest.. But then last year he was acting like the perfect partner again. Some times I try to clutch at the moment where I fought back because I knew out of instinct that i didn’t deserve it, like when he assulted me. But then with how low I’m feeling now, the self doubt jumps back in and i think its no wonder he behaved that way as I’m so difficult to be with
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everybody deserves and can be happy! doesn’t matter how old you are, how do you look or what kind of nature you are. You just need to find right partner who will love you. But unfortunately nobody will love you until you will love yourself. You must fall in love with yourself first. Make good and nice relationship with yourself, be happy with yourself, spend time and be never bored with yourself!
my new rules are very simple, but not so easy to follow. But may be this will help you!
Do what you want
Don’t do what you don’t want to do
Tell right now if you don’t like somethingAfter been abused such simple things are so difficult! What do I want? What do I like? Do I really like to watch these series or my ex liked it? Do i really like late breakfast or i had it just because i had to stay at bed with him all the morning? What kind of clothes do you like, not he would approve?
What do you really enjoy and like to do? treat yourself! Don’t do if you don’t want to! And always say if you don’t like something, even to your mum, you must tell that you don’t like what she is telling you!
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