Maybe it was both?

[Anonymous]

Hi, all

I never really thought I was in an abusive relationship people had been telling me that my relationship wasn’t normal and there was a lot of game playing but I’ve only just really started coming to come to terms with it. It’s being a very long term relationship and it didn’t really start off very well I had a young baby and an ex who had cheated on me so I was already very low, I thought I would be ok but I wasn’t. My ex had already had previous with his ex and had been charged with domestic abuse (after hitting her). He said that it was a volatile relationship and they were both to blame and it was up to me if I didn’t carry it on. I thought maybe people change and decided to give it a go. I was really jealous and paranoid, he had two phones and before me was sleeping with various people at the same time. I used to get paranoid before he went out and get moody and after I’d ask him where’s he’s been did anything happen etc. My jealousy took over and it was ugly. We used to argue and he would then just say can be arsed and just ignore me either go to bed or sit on his phone whilst I was upset and he sit and laugh at me. He told me he should never of got with someone who had a child (he had (detail removed by moderator) kids and i did everything for them) I taught him how to cook clean etc as he did nothing. He said (detail removed by moderator). My anger became stupid we both used to throw things around and I(accidentally) hit him with (detail removed by moderator) once , But he had hit me and held up up against the wall by my throat and I know it’s not right but it was always a reaction, it was both of us that were toxic to each other. After (detail removed by moderator) years I said I wanted help with my jealousy (reassurance when he went out and being told he loved me) I needed to stop he just laughed at me told me (detail removed by moderator) and it really hurt. Things would go from good to bad and when it was bad he’d always leave. And I asked him to stop doing it. We moved house and said it was a new start and things got better he stopped leaving but things were not better, I was a psycho he did nothing in the house I’d work full time( I’d asked to work part time so I could spend more time with my son and he said (detail removed by moderator) he’d have (detail removed by moderator) days off and I would be cooking cleaning shopping then he got a dog and I ended up looking at the dog! Then he got a (detail removed by moderator) and stopped looking after that! I am fat, stupid, even a s**t. I wasn’t allowed out because I’d moaned I wanted to spend more time with my son so I shouldn’t be going out at the weekend and I lost a few of my friends. He won’t change bed sheets he won’t clean upstairs, he waits for my son to come home from school before he cleans up and my son does most of the work. He told me this girl was better at sex than me (detail removed by moderator),he’s violent with one of his sons and my son. My son was having issues at school, and was saying that my partner was grabbing him (detail removed by moderator) and threatening to punch him. He pushed me into the (detail removed by moderator) back and I said that I wasn’t going to have anymore-and he grabbed my (detail removed by moderator) I called the police! He said that he didn’t do it to hurt me and he’s a big bloke so if he was gonna hurt me I’d of been threw then (detail removed by moderator), My best friend is a bloke who I’ve known for nearly (detail removed by moderator) and apparently I’m having an affair he’s told me I have to stop talking to him completely I have never been near him! However I was ill a few years ago and I stopped giving a toss about our relationship (I had to concentrate on myself) when we argued I told him to leave (I’d had enough) I’d also had a lot of stress at work and got a new job but he wasn’t happy that I moved jobs either!
Anyway we’ve now split and this girl who he told me she is better than me he’s been going round there storing his stuff there and even when we were still together he’s been messaging her so that’s really hurt! I’m so angry and hurt and I’m really not in a good place! I know this is the best thing, but why do I feel so low!!! Im not even sure if it’s all him maybe it’s me and I’m the one to blame!

[Lisa]

Hi,

I hope it helped to post on the forum about your situation. Please do reach out for support again when you feel ready. Your local support group can offer ongoing emotional and practical support (https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/). You could also chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (weekdays 10am – 4pm and 10am – 12pm weekends). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/

Best wishes,

Lisa

[Same-again]

Hi Anonymous,

I know we can all end up doing things which are outside our values. Whilst jealousy is an ugly emotion from what you’ve said I have a sneaky feeling (not so sneaky) he was manipulating you.

Try to think back to the beginning. It’s sounds like maybe you were a bit low did he try and reassure you – like a normal partner would? I suspect he didn’t the opposite because he knew that would work ie you would react.

Mine did similar things, which I can see now were him manipulating me.

I know it’s hard sometimes to try and see the picture clearly. I often write stuff down which seems to help with clarity.

From what you’ve said I think he’s a classic abuser btw. HIM, not you.

I think sometimes it’s worth thinking about motivations. We can all do things we regret or are ashamed of but who was pulling the strings? They will have an agenda and be using their tactics to achieve what they want. Power and control yes but that takes different forms and I think your jealousy was a button he was pressing intentionally & it served him well didn’t it.

6 of one half a dozen of the other. They love it if they can muddy the old waters.

Hope this helps and it takes time to see the whole picture.

Also, the fact that you think it might be you and you’re asking/blaming yourself..

Do ya reckon he’s soul searching?

Bet the answer is a big NO – reckon that’s your answer.

Take care. xx

[Starmoon]

Hi, I know you posted a few days ago, but I hope you’re doing ok!
I made a lot of mistakes when I was with my ex, things that have taken a long time for me to be able to forgive myself for… I often believed I was the abuser and that I’d pushed my ex to assault me or abuse me… that was all part of his coercive abuse though. The fact that you are able to reflect on your own behaviour is a really good thing! I don’t personally believe that it was both of you as your title says… I think he’s played on your vulnerabilities from day one.

[Author]

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