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Well I keep having flash backs with what he did to me. More so now because I finally opened up to someone and the memories keep flooding back. I can remember everything that he did vividly. The smell of his (detail removed by Moderator) the taste of his penis in my mouth me the memories of me thinking it will all be over in a moment when he comes. But it wasn’t over sometimes it felt like hours and I still remember the feeling of my jaw aching. The feeling of fear and dread every time because if I refused he would get angry and threaten me and I remember him telling me that I was s**t in bed when in reality I just didn’t want to do it. I felt as though I had no choice I felt as though I had to do it and I couldn’t say no to it. These are the memories of what that animal did to me and I will never forget it. The feeling of utter shame and guilt. Sorry if this triggers anyone but I can’t hold it back any more and I had to tell my story.
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Hi, I hope it’s a therapist you’re opening up to. They should be able to help deal with the flashbacks and everything else that will happen when we tackle these memories. If you’re not seeing a therapist then I’d urge you to do so. Try to get a favourite scent and when these memories come to you smell that favourite scent. I liked lavender because it’s soothing and it’s a distraction from the memories of smells. Have some mindfulness techniques ready for the other memories and practice the relaxation and distraction exercises. You will have to work through these awful memories until they won’t have the same effect on you. A good therapist can help you with this. It’s not your shame and it’s not your guilt. Those are his to carry. You just keep working on being kind to yourself and when you feel stronger you can consider reporting him to the police. I did and it empowered me. Meantime just take baby steps 💕
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