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Have just lived with years of abuse I’ve been brought up with it I’ve had every relationship that’s abusive. My boys have lived it all there tears. My dad even attacked one if my (removed by moderator) he got him by the neck and stuck his nails into him because he were misbehaving. My parents have never supported me ever I’ve done it all myself. My mums still in an abusive relationship with my dad after 4 decades I’m surrounded by negativity. X
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And it carries on through generations, this might feel like normal day to day behaviour to your boys as this is all that they have known. When they are older they may get into abusive relationships and any children they have may experience it to. The good thing is that you recognise this and want to change it. Life is not so bad when you break away from the family, just because you are blood relatives you are not tied together. And if you break away it does not mean that you don’t love them and won’t be able to see them anymore. It just means that you are moving a bit further away so that you can build on some independence of your own. I don’t really agree with my family and most of the time don’t like how they treat me. But I live away from them and I am very independent , we don’t see or speak that often. I have my own, nice life. You can have this too Betterdays, a new start. You can still see your family and friends but you will be building stronger foundations for yourself by breaking away a bit. X*X
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On the Pattern Changing course, they did a very effective, visual role-play exercise where all of us had to stand in a circle.
They chose one lady to go and stand in the middle. She had to choose identities for all of us: one lady became her mother, one her father, another her best friend, another a difficult work colleague, another her ex, and others her children, etc.
She then had to position us according to how she felt most comfortable.
So, for example, the lady who was her mother was asked to stand furthest away; her children the closest; her friends, quite close; her bullying colleague, far away, and so on.
This exercise helped me to realise that we can choose to hold people at a close a distance as we choose. We don’t need to rely upon or bare our soul to everyone.
Some people are fortunate to have kindly parents who are great grandparents. Not all. Just because your mother and father are your parents, it doesn’t mean you need to put up with things you aren’t happy about. You can learn to be assertive.
I have had to become like this with certain family members. It’s hard. They repeatedly try to find out too much about my life so they can then somehow regain some control, do I have to keep batting them back, but I can do it much more assertively.
I know how you feel. As you know, my ex’s father hit my youngest on the ear when he was (removed by moderator). I remember my ex grabbing my eldest’s chin when he was a toddler, and twisting the skin spitefully. I told him if he ever did that agin I would leave( Of course, my ex then began to apparently do things when I was not around, I later found out- he changed tactics ).
Keep visits to your parents’ short and time bound. Don’t overstay, even if they want you to.
If they speak or behave towards your sons in a disrespectful way, leave. Some people might say their age and lack of understanding of autism is the reason for your parents’ behaviour, but age and ignorance are no ex use for abusive behaviour. They should educate themselves about autism. And many abusers become worse as they get older- they feel ‘entitled’ as senior citizens to bully others, demanding respect and obedience from younger people. Sorry, age doesn’t entitle you to be an abuser.
Keep certain parts of your life private from people who aren’t supportive of it.
It’s sad, but as we know not all adults are good parents. You sound to us all as if you are a wonderful mum, despite everything you’ve been through.
Keep your brother at arm’s length too. People need to earn our trust. They aren’t entitled to it.
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PS :
My niece is a real inspiration to me. She is only a teenager, but she is a go-getter. She knows what she wants in life and works hard to get it. She doesn’t suffer her mum ( my sister) dictating to her.
This sister (her mum) has always tried to dictate to me and control me. I’m taking a leaf out of my niece’s book! She is a wonderful, energetic rebel! 😀
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