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I have been in relationship with my fiancé for over (detail removed by moderator) years now. I meet him when I was only (detail removed by moderator), shortly after my arrival to UK. I didn’t speak much English then and I just managed to pull myself together after my best friend has abandoned me because I couldn’t find a job as quick as him.
We fell in love rather quickly but I did notice that he have a bit of temper at that time. But I got on with it because apart from that he was lovely and really took care of me. On one of our first dates I told him that I really like his (detail removed by moderator). He got offended, He told me that it was rude. I thought that it’s because of my English, I apologised. After 2-3 weeks into relationship he found out that I had an ‘affair’ per say with (detail removed by moderator), months before we even met. He called me sl*t and wh**e, I apologised. It has always been like that I did something, he got angry, I apologised.
At first we would argue only about that. It made me believe that I was worth nothing and I’m lucky that I have him. He was lovely. He found me a better room close to him, he thought me English which resulted in getting better job. But then I had to change the house after (detail removed by moderator). He was very helpful, he has organised couple of his friends that have been looking for a flat at the same time and we rented a whole house all together. He was responsible for finding the house and talking to agency. He even paid the deposit for me as I didn’t have much money. We have lived there for (detail removed by moderator). It was good at first but after few weeks we were arguing very often about silly things like ‘why didn’t you go to gym even thought I was exhausted from waiting for him till late late night when he would finish his work. He has never asked me to do that, yet if it happened that I was asleep he would wake me up. Contract finished, we decided to slow down and live separately.
It was good. He even apologised to me on his own for the way he treated me in the house when we lived together. He was very controlling but at the time I thought that it’s because he cares so much and he is trying to sort me out, as I was lost cause without him. He would control how much money I spend, not religiously but fairly often. He would tell me that my friends are not that great so I was not allowed to talk to them outside of work, at least not often and not for long. But somehow i didn’t question his authority. I never have. He have had a lot of problem when we foster meet that has been following him for years. I was always blaming his aggressive reactions on that. He is under a lot of stress, when it will get sorted he will relax. It’s because I’m fat, if I was fitter he would respect me more. It was always something else.
But things got much worse just before we got engaged (detail removed by moderator)…..
After years of trying we have sorted out all of his problems, we were free. Fresh start. We decided to go to my home country for (detail removed by moderator) weeks to take out mind of bad experiences that we had. We went for wedding where he got angry with me because I wanted to stay till the end, we went to visit my family and he complained that we spend too much time there, we went to sea side and he moaned and got angry with me almost every day and lectured me till early mornings about silly things like going to beach or having to have to eat (detail removed by moderator) fairly often. Every day there was something. I was regretting going there at the first place. One evening we went to (detail removed by moderator) and (detail removed by moderator), he was getting really upset. But (detail removed by moderator) wanted to test him how much he cares about something that gives pleasure to me. (detail removed by moderator) he was all over us trying to rush us. (detail removed by moderator)We have argued (detail removed by moderator). As usual I have done something wrong. When we arrived back where we were sleeping we continued the argument which needed with me breaking up with him. (detail removed by moderator) he called me that he is having panic attack. I came back (detail removed by moderator) to calm him down but didn’t get back together with him. I was really cold and heartbroken. We decided that I’m goanna take my time to think about everything that happened but in the morning he woke up, apologised for everything once again as told me that he was very anxious because he was meant to propose (detail removed by moderator), and has booked a table for specific time and we have lost it. I was trying to find a reasonable explanation of why did he behave like that and he gave me one. I didn’t agree with the was he was reacting but at the same time I was happy that I’ve got something. I made up with him (detail removed by moderator), he was a mess.He was very apologetic and seemed very grateful that I took him back and for (detail removed by moderator) he has treated me like a queen. And then he proposed. I said yes because I didn’t know how to say no, but I have had a lot of doubts. I wasn’t happy.
That’s then the real nightmare have started. He started calling me names when I said something he didn’t like. Arguing very badly with me when I wanted to go out with my friends. Telling me that I work too much, being late from work few minutes was a big issue. He was telling me that my priorities have shifted. While arguing he started being physical, throwing stuff at me like (detail removed by moderator), not letting me leave the room. But every time he had reasonable explanation. He accused me of having feeling for (detail removed by moderator) because apparently I’m attracted to power. Not allowing me to go to work parties etc.
Breaking point.
My parents decided to come and visit us (detail removed by moderator) for the first time. I was trying to convince them to stay in hotel saying that we don’t have space but at the end they needed up in my house. I was trying to avoid that as the last thing I needed was for them to see us argue all the time. The first (detail removed by moderator) days when they came was amazing, I was working but he has picked them up from the airport and spend all (detail removed by moderator) days with them showing them around and in the evening we were sitting all together talking and laughing. It was lovely. (detail removed by moderator) day I was off so i was the one spending time with them and he was meant to stay home and study. He asked us to come home early so we can stay up longer. But he got angry with me because I didn’t kiss him goodbye. He was calling me all day and sending rude messages to me and when we got home he was acting very cold and it was one of the most awkward evenings in my life. I regretted that we came home early. When they went to sleep we have argued (detail removed by moderator) about goodbye kiss. Next morning I was trying to be normal as much as I could, I even kissed Kim goodbye and everything to avoid the argument. But my mum bought me a ticket to (detail removed by moderator) and when I told him about that he got really angry because he wanted to go. He was so angry that he was acting very rudely towards me. In the evening (detail removed by moderator) he was trying to start an argument. I was doing everything to avoid it as my parents were just next to us. He would listen. He told me that my parents don’t speak English so they wouldn’t understand. I was seating next to him trying to stop the tears from bursting out and he kept saying bad things to me. And few minutes later he was trying to path up and hold my hand like nothing happened. I pushed him away but he kept trying for a while. It was another very awkward evening. (detail removed by moderator). We started arguing very badly. He pulled me down on the sofa and grabbed me by my neck. I was begging him to kill me, that that is the only way to get away from him. He broke the (detail removed by moderator) present and he let go of me and start crying . Begging me for forgiveness. I told him that I’m done with him. He told me that he will change and he will try to make it up to me. And I let it slide just because I didn’t want more argument while my parents are still there. The next day (detail removed by moderator), he was calling me, apologising. He told him that we will speak later . (detail removed by moderator) I was heartbroken.When I got home from work I told him that I’m done with him. That I don’t love him anymore, that I’m scared of him and I have realised that I’m in abusive relationship. I told him that I deserve to be happy and be with someone that respect me and doesn’t make me feel like c**p all the time and definitely doesn’t embarrass me in front of my family. He has cried for hours and begged me for for forgiveness. Telling me that he has changed. I’ve heard that before. I dont believe it.
We have made a pact that I will stay in the house for (detail removed by moderator) till the contract run out but not as a couple. He will try to change, go to therapy and show me what kind of men he can be. But it is just my safe escape. I need to save up money to make my exit.
And I even believe that he can change but it’s not gonna be with me.
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If he does change, it will be to wind you in, keep you from leaving. I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
Does he have any access to your money? You need to keep it somewhere he cannot get to it.
Do you feel safe enough to stay to the end of the contract? He’s already attacked you. It could get a lot worse.
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Hi Myself2,
I have just read through your post and I wanted to say what a strong, amazing woman you must be. You should definitely do a little celebratory dance to your resilience and self esteem 💃
I am wishing you loads of extra strength, good fortune and self love to see you get away from this manipulative, abusive man.
Good luck lovely lady xx
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He doesnt have any access to my money. Thanks God for that. I’m not actually scared of him that he would actually hurt me, but if at any point I will feel it, I’ve got place to stay. It’s been few days now that he has been trying very hard. He has more or less given me the space that I have asked for. I see him crying few times a day. I can see that he understood and actually willing to change. I’ts breaking my heart to see him like that. I have a moments that I just wanna high him to calm him down, but I’m keeping my cool head and I dont even say anything. I spoke to my mother about all that to add some reality to that because I realised that until you speak up your decision about leaving is not real. It’s worth nothing until you tell someone. I shared my experience with few people now and I can feel that for the first time in my life i took back the control over my free will.
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