Mediation – Evidence

[BakingQueen]

Hi ladies,

I haven’t posted here for quite some time as my ex left me and my child alone but low and behold he is trying to get access because his parents want to see their grandchild.

I’ve kept a diary, I’ve got all the messages on social whatsapp etc, he has refused to pay maintenance and I’ve got some pictures of my son when he hasn’t been supervised properly but as the abuse to me was mainly emotional and when he was physical no marks were left how do I prove he is unfit to be around my child.

I dread the day he gets access. I also feel court is inevitable and I’ve done so well with no contact this whole time.

Any advice on how best to approach this would be greatly appreciated. Should I agree to mediation? – I tried ages ago and he didn’t comply. How have you faired during the court process?

Thank you!

[fizzylem]

If you go down the mediation route did you know you can request seperate rooms? So the mediator shuffles between you; or you can decline it owing to DA.

It won’t look good on you in court if you have witheld contact for any reason really unless there is sexual abuse or violence to the child or severe neglect. Sadly we live in the period of time where the courts are pro contact. If he never asked for it then fine, but as soon as he does this leaves you on a sticky wicket.

If I were you I’d have a think about the type of contact that would feel manageble and see whether you can get this in place with him now and if not fight for this in court – because he will get some contact if he wants it.

How would you feel about saying would you be happy to agree to contact providing it’s only at his mum and dad’s? Would that work for you? Would also make sense it needs to be like this owing to your child not having seen them for a while; would they be suitable for pick ups and drop offs? What do you need in place to make the arrangement feel ok?

Maybe get a solictor or a third party to give him your proposal? (before you do though make sure you know, his rights, your rights and the child’s; maybe call Rights for Women or see a solictor – you might be eligible for legal aid?). Couldn’t be without my solictor – see a few, choose wisely, dont take the first one you see).

Once it goes to court and if he gets the arrangements order he’ll need to apply for there’s not a lot you can do to change it unless you go back to court again, so I would try my best to try and find a resolve out of court, but sometimes it’s just unavoidable whatever you try to do if he’s hell bent on court – which some are – once they find out their rights and that they will get some contact time. Some women want an arrangements order too of course / find the terms included helpful; it’s about what is best for the child and if this means mum needs to have third party comms this will be included.

You could gather more info and find out if you have a case for supervised contact and go for that in court hey. In family court it’s all about the child; they can take into acccount any controlling and coercive behaviour and there doesn’t need to be a charge or a conviction for this but obs that helps – when this has effected the child, for example, not paying child support is financial abuse – doesn’t take a genious to see how this could effect the child. However, this is not enough to rule he has no contact in court. More it’s a seperate issue. You rang the Child Maintanence Agency to discuss this? You could make an enquiry to find out more – then decide if it’s something you wish to pursue once you have all the info.

Once the child is 12 he/she can decide for themselves or if they can verbalise what they want this can also help. It will be ok, this isn’t just all about what he wants, it’s also about what you think needs to happen; focus on what is best for your child to show you the way x

[Tiffany]

I don’t have kids, but I know that women’s aid advise you not to let your abusers have any contact until a court order is in place. If you don’t have a court order in place then my understanding is that your partner can simply take your kids away and deny contact to you, and you have to go through the courts to get them back. I would definitely be getting professional advice, from women’s aid or rights for women before organising contact.

I am also unclear as to whether it is your abuser or his parents who want contact. It’s highly possible that he is using them as pieces in his game, or as flying monkeys. If he isn’t and you like them then it might be fine to arrange to meet the grandparents in a park or a cafe or something so they can see their grandkids. But of it is just him trying to hurt you then I see no reason that you should have to engage. Depends a bit on the relationship you had with his parents, and how much control he had over them. If I had had kids with my abuser I wouldn’t have let my abusers dad near them, because he was even worse. I would have found it harder to say no to his mother, who was abused by both her husband and her son. But ultimately their control over her would have made me wary of giving her access too. Luckily I didn’t face that situation. I am sorry you are in it. I hope women’s aid has some good advice.

[BakingQueen]

Thank you both. Although they are differing opinions some what.

Just for additional context:
His parents have expressed to me that they want to see my child. I told them I wasn’t comfortable with him being around his dad. They said they would not stop him from see my child. So I refused them access.

There has been neglect towards my son prior to that. It’s mainly what my son has expressed has happened and I have one photo evidence of neglect too.

Even though the CMS are taking maintenance through deduction of earning does that count? I’m well off so without his money we wouldn’t be struggling, would that still count as financial abuse? I’ve spoken to the CMS and they don’t really get involved in this, only concerned with payments of maintenance for the child.

I’ll seek some legal advice.

[KIP.]

He doesn’t actually say the he wants to see his child. How would you feel about the grandparents only having access. Even once a month. You could meet them at a park somewhere public? Definitely get in touch with women’s aid for support. Speak to a family solicitor, most offer free initial advice. I think mediation has been tried and is not advised by women’s aid. How well do you get on with his parents. Can you deal with them while staying no contact with him? Going by his past behaviour and admitting that it’s his parents that want contact, not him, I don’t see why you should comply at this stage unless it’s something you want. I’d also get something legal in place so he cant simply take his child. Ring the helpline on here for some help too.

[Author]

Posts