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    • #40066
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Been through a “mediation” with ex to try to reach an “agreement” re sharing childcare, primarily. (Detail removed by moderator). Tried to assassinate my character. Actually sat and said I am the crux of everyone’s problems, I cause upset and venom wherever I go, that I have fallen out with my entire family. That nobody can stand me because I’m so difficult and now he’s being asked to cover for me leaving myself with nobody as in incapable of maintaining a relationship with anyone. Thankfully they did intervene and say those comments are not helpful. Then I was accused of (removed by moderator) for wanting to know specific times he would be taking the children. Again told that wasn’t (removed by moderator) it’s working to an arrangement. I’m still shaking. I stuck to the facts, did not get drawn in. (Detail removed by moderator).  That we were not here for him to tell me what I should or shouldn’t do with my life and I no longer have regard to his opinions and gind them very controlling and abusive and I respectfully ask that they no longer continue. He tried to have another go but was stopped. Feel like my head has come a bit detached from my body as I’m walking in the rain. It’s like my mind exited as it just got too much. X*x

    • #40070
      cupofcoffee
      Participant

      Hi hun, I know how you feel, I have had mediation and I found it really unhelpful, it was supposed to be a “neutral space” but it was more like a stuffy room where I was being verbally attacked by my ex and the mediator wasn’t much help. It sounds like the mediator was on your side though which is good, but mine was not a happy experience, so sorry you are having a hard time too xx

    • #40072
      older lady
      Participant

      You did really well! You were assertive, stuck to the facts and the points that matter and were not drawn into any chaos by him. I wonder if your phone call to them, difficult as it was, made them sit up a bit. You said nothing that wasn’t perfectly reasonable and what all of us, as parents, would expect. Also, you didn’t show them that you felt you had to justify your sanity or conduct to them. They are not your judge after all. I’ve experienced that detached feeling you describe after stressful moments like that. It must have been really difficult being in the room with him. There was a time I could not have done what you did. I was terrified of him and, honestly, he would have walked all over me. I’m really pleased for you. Take care. xx

    • #40073
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Thank you ladies. Starting to come back into my own head again. That was the weirdest feeling. (Detail removed by moderator).  Has now been asked to go away and think about how he can facilitate the days suggested so we can move forward. He’s gonna have to speak to my mum. That should be interesting going forward. Kept going on about my mother and how my whole family hate me and find me impossible. By this he means my mother and sister. Both thick as thieves and clearly complicit in this. The thing was they were not nasty messages. They asked for boundaries to be respected. Very basic ones. They just told him there was no need for them to see these as they were not relevant. I was shaking, had to bite back tears, didn’t want to come across as irrational like they make me out to be. Haven’t slept in days. Utterly exhausted. Thank you so much for your support. X*x

    • #40081
      Peaceful Pig
      Participant

      Hi escaped, I agree that you should feel very proud of yourself tonight. I was lucky my ex refused to go ahead with mediation though I started that process, even paying for him which is a reflection of how brainwashed I still was at that time. It scares me looking back how vulnerable I was and what I would have agreed to then. I did have to face him in court, but I was a wreck and totally dissociated from the stress of it. In fact I still feel anxious at emails from him all this time on. Please don’t underestimate the courage today took for you. You did brilliantly and I hope you’re able to treat yourself accordingly this evening xx

    • #40087
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Thank you pp. I didn’t feel brave. I felt sick. I didn’t want to do this but I can’t afford court and I had to feel I’ve done everything I can. Part of me actually also wondered if I was in fact the problem, he had me so convinced I was losing my mind that I wanted to run my point passed a third party and see if they looked at me in horror for what I was asking. They didn’t, they actually found everything I said reasonable and I was willing to be very flexible and accept points that were out of my control. He just kept pushing though and getting nasty. Looking back it was probably good that someone else saw it and was there to reality check. I have had these conversations with him so many times, it’s like he deliberately pretends he doesn’t understand what I’m saying so he can justify his rage. Not once did I have to be asked to modify my language or be more compromise because I wasn’t asking for anything unusual. But he has always talked about going “above and beyond@ for his kids so much I think he believes these lies. At the time I felt like I was under attack but looking back at the situation I think they were as fair as they are permitted to be….this being a neutral space. I think that’s where he struggled. He always just talks over me, pretends I’ve said something different and unreasonable , not what I’ve actually said. Then he reacts with outrage to the thing he’s pretending I said. It’s really quite bazaar. They were good at bringing him back to point at times, correcting that they had heard me say something very different to what he was saying I said, asking for something completely different to what he said I was asking for. It’s what he does, creates chaos and confusion so he is not accountable for the real points being raised. I’m not very hopeful that he will come up with any solutions to his problems or that he will even attend the next meeting. I’m pretty sure by the time we get to the next meeting he will have decided I have “brainwashed” them as well as my children. But at least I said my part and he was held account for ignoring what I say. He just did “get” so much of what was trying to be achieved.its nothing to do with fairness or what’s best for kids, it’s only ever what he wants and how he needs to control. I just want some peace in my life. Desperate for a feeling of peace away from these soul sucking dementors.
      Had already booked a sports massage, prepaid so I wouldn’t back out for the afternoon…my back and neck are a mess just now, and I’m running the bath and going to watch mindless tv. For the first time in my kids lives I have taken a few days off work for myself while they are at their dads. Something I could do a couple of times a year if he did a third of the holidays, which he hasn’t up til now but that’s another session. So yes, my counsellor advised a plan of prebooked self care for after, which I have followed. Thank you. I think you are doing marvellously well just now also.

    • #40088
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hi escaped,

      give yourself a big pat on the back..you did brilliantly. You didn’t give him what he wanted, he wanted you to react. He was goading you with the ‘you are the problem tactic’. Abusers definitely must go to the same abuser-school to learn their tactics because they spout the same rubbish. I got the same accusation when we were in court ‘ that I had fallen out with my entire family’ and I was the problem. I too thank goodness didn’t react to his horrible comments as he had hoped I would as he wanted me to appear out of control and crazy. But I came away absolutely exhausted and shattered after being on the receiving end of his ‘tirade’.

      So glad you’re minding yourself and doing nice nurturing things for yourself. You’ve been through a lot in the last week dealing with your mum and your ex’s verbal rubbish so its good you took a few days off work to recuperate and recharge the batteries.

    • #40100
      Escaped not free
      Participant

      Lonc, thank you for your kind words. You are so right, they all have attended the same training camp. You are right, at the time, listening to the horrible things being said about you are so upsetting. How can you justify yourself when you are surrounded by these personalities? And yes, trying not to be upset so u don’t come across as out of control. He actually said my life was a mess and everyone around me hated me. I have a good, full time job, my kids are doing well in school, they are happy and laughing at home and eldest is predicted to go well in exams. They are wonderful young people, they are not victims of an out of control mess of a mum. I’m the one who takes them to music practice, gets their revision books, stands cheering them on at (detail removed by moderator), gets up early at weekends to make pancakes for breakfast, when they freak out about “not getting physics” I get a tutor to help them, teach my young sons how to shave when their father hasn’t noticed, saves diligently using overtime to take them away to a cottage in the hills for a week in the summer, knowing that means he won’t pay child support that month as if I “can go on holiday I have too much”. Their father does none of these things. Yet they sit their spouting forth about us. My son is right, he’s a n********t. When asked what reservation he had about seeing his little boy and girl once during the week, he referred to this as “having cost implications”. He meant giving them tea, he’s so mean that it’s not worth the couple of pound to make them some pasta for tea in order to hear about how their week is going. He disgusts me. This man owns various properties he rents out and conceals that income, has another regular income and no mortgage. Yet the cost implications of seeing his children for an evening are enough for him to say it’s not worth it. Just still processing the stuff he comes out with. He doesn’t deserve these lovely young people who I hope grow up to be NOTHING like him. X*x

    • #40112
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey there, even the sanest person questions their reality when dealing with abusers. It’s very important to build your foundation from rock. That rock is the rock of knowing what is the truth about you and what is lies. Abusers reinvent reality and think that nobody should question them. We have lived with this abuse for years and it’s confusing but someone new seeing this can hopefully see the dysfunction. It doesn’t make our experience of contact any less traumatic. This rock of truth will be put to the test soon as once again he drags me to court. Hopefully the so called professionals will see right through him. If you return to mediation, keep a note in front of you to remind yourself “rock of truth”. Just because he rants and repeats himself doesn’t make what comes out his mouth true. Loser x

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