- This topic has 11 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
-
(detail removed by moderator)
Finally first joint mediation. We still live together.
He wants 2/3 of the value of the house (not saying exact percentage…). I have a child to house!
Fine, we are moving (removed by moderator) and he’s not preventing that – property is a bit cheaper – agreed in principle to paying child mtc – not discussed how long for as child (removed by moderator) – he wants to keep car, his pensions, half the bank accts.
Mediator asked about what we thought we’d do with the proceeds of selling house. He said he wanted 2/3rds roughly. I was f*****g gobsmacked. I have put up with years of control and nastiness and I will not walk away with less than d**n half. I’ve b****y earned it. excuse swearing but I could not believe what I was hearing. My solicitor said I should start at 70% and did not want me to think of going as low as half but would just to speed things along so that we can get on with our lives out from underneath him.
I have put some of his c**p in boxes as I am sick of living in a ‘shed/man cave’ and it’s hard to see the wood for the trees deciding what next to do to house to ready for sale. One tiny thing got broken (completely accidentally) (NOT valuable) and this is a major issue. Mediator can’t say much just tried to move it along.
We left without agreeing.
I want to throw things.
-
Hey there, I’ve lived with an abuser and have been on this website for X years and I can tell you that mediation doesn’t work. These men lie. Even if you agree to give him 2/3. He will change his mind and mess you about. I would ask for all the value of the house and no maintenance from him because I doubt he will pay it anyway. If you want a fair settlement Ask your solicitor what the court is likely to award you and stick to that. These abusers have endless stamina and I think actually enjoy the drama of it all. It fuels them to see you upset. I don’t think they even really care about the outcome. It’s just a game for them. The more upset you are the better. Get some advice from other solicitors. Most offer free half hour sessions (in uk).
-
Hello,
Please please please do not do what I did. I just wanted it to be over so badly that he manipulated me terribly. Whilst I “got the house” I was left with the mortgage to pay myself, a promise of a minimum amount of maintenance and other assistance for children that, if I complied and took over the mortgage, didn’t get a valuation on his pension then he would pay. He didn’t need to put it writing as he was not the sort of man to EVER not see or support his children. It was insulting apparently to be asked to put it in writing. (Detail removed by moderator). I honestly had no idea just how bad he would be. I knew the way he was treating me wasn’t right, I knew I had to get away and all I was concerned with was being able to manage. I was really really stupid. Please, I’m begging you don’t do the same. At the end of the day, at the stage u are at his demands are meaningless. If you are resident parent then push for nothing less than the 70%, DO NOT ignore his pension, it’s important, get a valuation, get an amount of maintenance in writing with agreed penalties for non payment….I can all but gaurentee he won’t pay it. Do not leave any contact with your children to chance or any mutual arrangement, again I gaurentee he will use this to control you. Get days, times and holidays all put in writing. Consider contributions you will need at school uniform time, for their birthday parties, school trips, activities. Non of which he will pay for unless made to. At this stage for you I hate to say it but mediation is a process you go through, you make offers in line with legal norms and if they are rejected them so be it…it goes to court. You are entitled to all of these things, while u want to just get away u need to fight right now for your child’s rights. My ex is a pillar of the community, church goer, appears like such a good guy but I don’t think there is a good fibre in his being. Don’t get caught up in their sense of entitlement. I did and I’m paying the price now and it’s awful. We are in mediation and he is denying he ever agreed to see his children, pay maintenance, contribute to activities. DO NOT PLEASE do what I did and accept things that are not right because you want it over. You are then handing him a lifetime of control over you to do as he pleases with. He will never tire of using that control. Treat any “offers” as white noise. The mediators want to find an end, they don’t care who comes off better or if it’s fair. They are just there to facilitate a negotiation. Don’t be afraid to say with conviction, “that’s an unreasonable request that shows obstruction to this process”. Prepare yourself for court but then it’s over. I handed myself a life sentence when I was where you are now. I feel sick to think of someone else having that done to them. Take care of you. X*x -
I’m in the process of similar negotiations though only via solicitors thank goodness and I am hoping to avoid court. Family court nearly finished me off and while I’ve been assured that family court are not an accurate reflection of courts in general and it wouldn’t be as bad, I’d still rather not. Enough is enough. I have a good job and my ex is a lazy parasite who has ensured he has kept his income low on purpose. He has paid not one penny towards the children in all this time (I’ll cross that bridge next!). I’m attempting to take a ‘middle way’ between having this over with and not rolling over, being left in financial difficulty and with ongoing resentment of feeling further violated by him. My ex has a clear pattern of low level ‘contact’ to attempt to unsettle me when there are financial decisions to make and sure enough he’s been at it again. On one hand that makes me feel more determined to not let his tactics work but on the other this is the last issue to resolve and then he will no further reason or opportunity to do this again…In theory anyway! I’m attempting to stay as calm and nom-emotional as possible in my decision-making. As negotiations progress I’m now considering the difference of 5% in the split and actually the amount of money that equates to is not that much as the ‘pot’ to be separated is not that big, so I think why waste my precious new life agonising over it? I guess the crucial thing is whatever we decide, we decide because it’s what we really want and not a decision made out of fear or coercion. I try to make decisions when I am less tired and my mind is as calm and rested as possible. Stay strong and hold your nerve. You can do this xx
-
I honestly think these men must all go to the same school of abuse as they are all the same, when it comes to mediation it is what THEY want not what is best for their kids, and they use financial pressure to try and control us all! Stay strong hun and remember that you don’t have to agree to anything in mediation, in fact you don’t have to attend at all if the first meeting was awful, your solicitor will then see his bank statements, pay slips, etc and will then thrash it out with his solicitor about financial arrangements and the house, and I doubt that any court will allow a single man 2/3 of a house and let his children have the remaining 1/3, it doesn’t work like that! They might stamp their feet and demand stuff but at the end of the day solicitors and the court decide what is best for the CHILDREN!
-
-
The only thing I would say about child maintenance service is its a despicably low amount these men get away with paying through that. And if they are clever the agency go to no lengths whatsoever to find out if they are being honest. It takes no account of their wealth or resources, only the tax they pay. My ex owns property (detail removed by moderator), yet his tax bill from his payed employment he uses as a cover up shows he earns less than half of that. If I had my time again I’d definitely have gone down the legal route where their ability to pay and provide is assessed not just on how much tax they choose to pay. X
-
Sorry, I didn’t mean to sound bossy, I’ve just been there and been wearing the t shirt ever since. He pulled every emotional blackmail tool known to man on me and I was so scared and conditioned to think I’d be left with “nothing and homeless” if I didn’t do as he said I didn’t fight. Or I didn’t let my solicitor fight. x
-
-
-
-
Hi, ladies, thank up for your replies.
I have ranted to family and a friend.
I am not quite despairing but I am so fed up with him.
He is trying to make an effort with our teenager but as he will curse at them and then act as if nothing happened they are not impressed with his efforts.
I am waiting for the record of the session to arrive from the mediator and then I shall pass this to my solicitor to get his advice.
There is a time pressure due to (detail removed by moderator).
How long could this take if it has to go to court, anyone?
I am not reacting to him at all yet. Although I just want to shout and ask him how the f**k he dares! He is continuing as if nothing has happened.
I am astonished that any of us get involved with a man ever again!
I keep thinking I see a light at the end of the tunnel but I don’t know how long the tunnel is or if it is a train rushing towards me.
-
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.
