25th May 2016 at 10:18 am #17933HopingforpeaceParticipant
Hi, has anyone done mediation, in the same room, not shuttle mediation with their ex? How did it go? Has anyone managed to get any agreements that they are happy with?
I understand that mediation is not recommended when there has been abuse but this is my only option for various reasons and im going to try it for our child.
Any thoughts/suggestions on how to handle the mediation are welcome. thank you.
25th May 2016 at 11:15 am #17940tobehappyParticipant
Hi yes I have. It hasn’t worked. I think their are 2 reasons why mediation is not recommended. If you are too scared to be able to speak openly and honestly. If you or you child will be in danger because of things you say. 2. because they try to use the system to continue to abuse you.
I was able to speak relatively openly but didn’t give away many reasons for my suggestions as they would be used against me. I let him lead the discussion so I could see what I was up against before I responded. I went really well planned. I written out incidents that has happened to back up the amount of time I felt was appropriate for the children to see him. I has attended freedom programme and the follow on groups including the one about parenting so that I felt strong enough to face him. I also had plenty of knowledge about how I knew he would behave and had thought through all of his tactics and responses before had. These men are very predictable and I am sure you know how your ex will respond to most things you do or say. Practise how you will respond (or in my case not respond). Be prepared.
If your ex is like mine I have found he only attended mediation as he thought it was a place where he would get what he wants. This didn’t happen as I stood my ground so he decided the mediator was biased and now wants us to sort something out through written communication ourselves.
He started to show his true colours in the second session of mediation but we have not made it back as he is now concentrating on bullying me to do what he wants. I am not going to and am about to start court proceedings for the finances. One that is sorted we can look at child arrangements.
You asked for practical advice. I would say go prepared with all your reasons, dates, times, ect planned out and remembered if possible. He will think he is the cleverest person in the room. This will be your advantage. My ex wasn’t prepared and I pretended to be a bit stupid until it really mattered and I was able to give factual reasons for suggesting something or not agreeing to something.
Only talk about the benefits/effects on your child. You and him are irrelevant.
I didn’t look at him until I had to during the second session (when I felt stronger anyway).
You will be asked what you would like to put on the agenda for the session. Plan this before hand carefully. Think about how he will respond and decide what the best order to tackle this would be.
Easier said than done but keep calm. Show you know what you are doing regarding your child.
research the facts for everything before hand as he will try and tell you otherwise. The mediator can give facts but will not be able to advise. If you agree to something that is your choice. They will stop him if he has a go or doesn’t let you speak or is rude etc.
Even still, after doing all of that, mediation is not working for us as he is not getting what he wants!!!!!
If you go I wish you luck. Be strong. Be prepared. x
25th May 2016 at 3:57 pm #17958HerindoorsParticipant
I have not experienced mediation. When I wanted to start a divorce my ex refused unless I went to mediation (so no divorce yet). I thought about it for a while and decided against it. The reason I did that was never, once, in our marriage did he behave reasonably and so I could not imagine that he would suddendly have changed and behave in mediation. We had also gone to relate during our marraige. During those sessions (3) he talked so incessantly that the counsellor had to ask him to pause and let me speak as well. After the second time she did this he just refused to ever go back. Mediation with my ex would be him talking and getting stroppy if the mediator tried to intervene and allow me to speak. I know he would also lie through his teeth, twist things and confuse me with his unrelenting strategised verbal assult.
A leopoard does not change its spots.
I think with most abusers mediation is pointless because if they were the sort of people who could use mediation in a rational, sensible way – they wouldn’t be abusers in the first place.
25th May 2016 at 10:29 pm #17983Bridget Jones Is FreeParticipant
My husband used the first session for its proper purpose, exposing the copies of the relevant information.
After that the second session was a waste, I was in a refuge by then and was very lost. I actually felt petrified by the divorce. We were using the shuttle system. But he gave the mediator a letter he had written that very same day in which he was asking for me to reconsider the divorce and to believe he was a different man and that he loved me and wanted us to try to work at our relationship.
I read the letter and gave it to the mediator for her to read. She looked at a loss and suggested counselling. But she said though she believed we were both really nice people…she didn’t think it would work as I may find he had no empathy and she expected us to be back at square one in a few weeks time…that remark still resonates in my ears.
No counselling done so far…he yoyos with me.
So it didn’t work out but that’s also because I am scared of the whole lot. As I waited for the mediator to come back to me that day in the room, I felt this overwhelming fear that petrified me completely.
If I was to go back to mediation I would now be prepared with my own needs in terms of finances to sort my kids and myself. But I don’t know if he would agree.
I am still scared. I still can’t face things. I wish he would slap me again or strangle me again or break one of my bones for me to fully know what he is like.
I am a coward.
26th May 2016 at 1:04 am #17993Confused123Participant
my SOLICTITOR ADVISED ME TO REEFUSE BASED ON D V , WE HAVENT GOT TO THAT STAGE BUT SOLICITOR HAS ALREADDY STATED WILL BE REFUSED
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.