Mellowing

[Reebees]

Hi a few week ago my hubby ended up head butting me in a argue over very little. He has outburst over really small things and just go nuts. Dosent happen very often but when it does he’s completely unreasonable. So I would say 80% of time he’s fab and then 20% he’s a bully. Anyway min he crossed the line and was physically then I had enough and he’s moving out (detail removed by Moderator) and we separated. I feel like all of the outburst has chipped away my romantic love towards him. He has agreed and sorted out move, he’s bought some books on Abuse and has arrange Cognitive behaviour therapy. He is saying he dosent want to be bad role model to our daughter so he wants to change for him. He is being very responsible and we are still spending family time together as friend. I don’t know how I feel as need him to move out 1st and I want to go on the freedom program. However, we are getting on well and I’m now mellowing thinking if he really has professional help and I go on program to learn what acceptable and not can I save my marriage. It only got physical once and we have separated straight away and I’m strong enough to leave if I have to but I don’t want to.

But not sure if I am kidding my self?? Can abusers change with properly help. I know this is a million dollar question and no one can give my an answer really!! I know he really really want to change and has accepted he is emotionally and now physically abusive. Just need to break the abuse cycle but not sure if it possible? Any one else tried CBT?

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Reebees,

Sadly abusers rarely change and abuse escalates over time. It sounds like he is putting you through the love bombing/honeymoon stage again which they always do after abuse for the very reason to confuse you and make you doubt yourself. He senses his control is slipping so is trying a new manipulation tactic.

My ex appeared to be Mr Perfect Boyfriend 80% of the time too apart from the abuse which started off really small like little digs and mean comments and escalated to threats of violence and me feeling scared of him before I decided to leave despite really, really liking the ‘fake’ him. It absolutely devastated me and broke my heart but I knew by staying with him I was not safe.

If you ring the helpline you could discuss it with them. I would be very concerned if he has already head butted you as that is physically violent, scary behaviour. Please put yourself first. If you can, write down a list of all of the abuse so far, it will help you gain some clarity and keep you in reality if he is trying to love bomb as it tends to feel intoxicating like a drug.

[Tiffany]

A lot of us think that we will be strong enough to leave when it gets physical. I am not sure how long I stayed after he got physical, for the simple reason that my mind started blocking out the physical violence because the abuse was so confusing. I can remember 4 separate incidents, all in the last (detail removed by Moderator) with him, but I was going through my phone recently and found evidence of another incident three or four months earlier and the way I had recorded it makes me think that it wasn’t the first time. I would continue the separation as planned for this reason alone. Abuse is really confusing. As you said, hitting you was the last straw and you have lost romantic feeling for him, but now you are considering what? Letting him stay, saving your marriage?

I actually do believe that people can change, but I know that sadly abusers seldom do, mostly because they don’t want to. I would separate as planned. If he really is genuine in wanting to make amends he will wait until you and he are ready and not pressure you into doing things you are uncomfortable with. I actually moved out but tried to make things work for a couple of months. It became clear very quickly how much he was still trying to manipulate me. He had started seeing a counselor and actually used her professional opinion, or what he claimed was her opinion (I have since learned that he routinely lied about things that other people had told him) to prove that I was the one in the wrong. I had set clear boundaries, which he pushed continually, and that after one last proper abusive incident was enough for me to leave. I would try and work out what your husband’s cycle of abusive behaviour is too – mine was generally badly abusive at least once a fortnight, and had never gone longer than a month without abuse. Then make your trial separation period (in your head at least) three or four times the length that he can generally manage without an abusive outburst. I would bet money that even at a distance he will be trying to manipulate and hurt you before the trial is half way through. If he isn’t then maybe he can change. Please do this at a distance if you do do it though. I really wish I had just cut off and left when I moved out instead of trying to make things work. I think it was a very unsafe time for me as he could have turned violent and he could have convinced me to stay, and I really needed to get out.

[lover of no contact]

Us mellowing is part of the dynamic or the cycle. Me forgiving and starting to mellow is what enabled the abuse cycle to keep going. That was my pattern. My abuser mum/ex husband would hurt me in a big way (red phase of cycle of abuse), I would say this is it, I’m not going to be on the receiving end of their bad actions/hurtful behaviour etc,. Then would then be all sweetness and light (green phase). I would mellow. I would forgive (aided by my Christian beliefs) until the green phase ended and we started approaching the yellow phase (tension building, nasty/nice, can’t do anything right) which would culminate in a big incident of hurtful abuse (red phase), the abuser would then default into being nice, promises of going to change (0.1% of them change according to Lundy Bancroft, who works with abusers). And this is the point where I had to change my pattern. I would default into forgiving and mellowing. I had to change at this point. It was so hard as it went against my empathetic nature. It went against all my thought patterns of a life-time. I had to change my thinking and patterns by listening to other survivors who had broken free and to WA.

I was the one who needed to change and the good news is we can change. Abusers rarely change but we can change and grow, and share our experiences to help others escape and we can go on to thrive in life.

Abusers rarely change and are stuck with their nasty selves. At least we can get away from them, they are stuck with themselves and their nastiness…karma.

[Author]

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