meltdown

[lostgal]

Hi guys
I haven’t posted in a while I’ve been attempting to keep busy and go out more which has helped in a way but my meltdowns are getting worse. I don’t even know what to say right now I’m just lost in this scary dark hole and no one can help. I’m trying but in reality my amazing friends and family don’t deserve me or my s**t. He’s ruined me and my life I don’t even know who I am anymore. I know we aren’t defined by our abuse but my abuse has left me not even knowing what’s real, what’s me and what’s normal! I’m so broken and lost and I hate myself for being this way in front of people no one deserves it. I just want it to stop. I just want to be fixed. It’s been such a long journey already and I’m tired… Somedays/ most days I want to give up sometimes I feel it’ll be better for anyone.
I’m not worth the hassle of putting up with me.
love lostgal xox

[Tiffany]

Have you been to the doctor’s? I am not a medical professional, and even if I was I wouldn’t try and diagnose you over the internet. But depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD are all pretty common in abuse victims, and getting out unfortunately isn’t enough to fix them. It might help to go to your doctor and talk about how you are feeling and see if they can help – either with medication or therapy? From your description above, how you are feeling sounds completely understandable given the escape from an abusive relationship, but that doesn’t mean they you have to feel this way. And I don’t think it is just your character. That sounds like something your abuser told you, not something your friends know to be true.

It might also help to try and recognise which voices in your head are your own, and which are his. I had to do a lot of this early on. I was so used to believing what he told me, that for months after I left his voice would show up in my head and tell me that I was difficult to live with, or that I didn’t really have friends, or that my family didn’t understand me, or I couldn’t do my job. The facts were, I have lived with dozens of people and never quarrelled with any of them apart from my abuser, so I am clearly not that hard to live with. My friends stuck with me even through the abuse. My family love me and will always look out for me, and while their understanding of me might not be perfect they know me well and want what’s best for me. Deep down I knew all of this to be true. But it didn’t stop his words surfacing. I found it really useful to label thoughts: “this is something that my abuser said”. It made it easier for me to set the thought aside and reinforce what I actually knew to be true.

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