Memories upset me

[blaa]

Hi I’ve been out of relationship for a few years now and mostly things are good and I’m fine but today I been having flashbacks and been really upset I remember how be treated me like a dog and I thought it was ok like I remembered how awful sex was I’d get so sore and never was about me always about him and waiting for him to come so it was over and how I thought that was normal and I’d tell him to stop because I was tired and sore and he’d just slap me and carry on and I’d say I was thirsty and he wouldn’t let me get a drink so spat in my mouth instead and thought that was ok even passionate but now I look back and feel so disgusted he’d get me to have three someday with his mate who is my daughters father and I felt like a toy they could play with and I thought it was ok I thought it was sexy and I was desirable but now I see it so differently he’d hide my clothes and make me sit naked or
In underwear in front of his friends and then have sex with me in front of them and ask them to join in, he wanted me to give oral sex to five men and I said no so he strangled me but what upsets me most is the humiliation I felt and what he thought of me to even ask me to do that, was I that worthless to him what did I do wrong to deserve that his friends would just ask for sex and get their bits out and I’d mostly say no unless I was scared but it’s what they thought of me to even ask that hurts, his friend this older man forced his hands down there and I couldn’t stop him I tried to pull his hand out but he wouldn’t i felt like my body wasn’t mine anymore like I wasn’t me like I was existing for men and now my self esteem is so low and o feel like no man will ever love me and there’s something wrong with me and I’m damaged goods and I feel so upset sorry I just wanted to say all this maybe would feel better if I tell someone, hope your all ok sorry I rambled and its long

[Serenity]

You poor thing. You were with a monster.

None of this is your fault.

He is an animal. My ex thought that I wanted his saliva over me too- hideous, foul animals that they are. They are no better than beasts.

I hope that you will ask for all the help you need in your situation. There is help out there. Xxxx

[Ayanna]

Big hugs!
I am so sorry you had to suffer like this.
Did you contact Rape Crisis? They can provide you counselling.
You need to talk about all of this. It is important to let it all out. You suffered severe trauma.
Women and Girl’s Network also have a helpline for rape victims.
Contact them and get as much support as possible! You are not alone! x*x

[Confused123]

HI Hun

So Sorry to hear what u went through, its horrifying how they can change our thinking and at the time we think its normal or ok, well done for leaving him, have u ever seeked counselling after you left, i think where they have sexual abused us too we do need rape cousnelling, it really does help for when u have triggers anytime, i find speaking to a rape counsellor you answer any questions yourself that are deeply inbedded in our head about how we felt, how they made us feel.Sending u massive hug

[blaa]

Just wanted to say thank you so much to you all for your kindness, support and understanding it helped to write it all down and was so touched by your replies I wanted to cry! I am having councelling but it’s a general young adults councelling which nearly too old for so maybe looking into something more specific may be helpful thank you so much for being so kind and not judging me at all it means so much everyone on here are such lovely women it’s so awful that the kindest people get preyed on by these nasty men,but thanks again, wishing you all the best and hugs back x*x

[Author]

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