Memories

[AirBlue]

I keep having flashbacks to my relationship with my ex and I’m not quite sure what to do with them. The more I experience them, the more I wonder why I stayed with him for as long as I did because his behaviour just wasn’t right.

He would always present himself as being highly-intelligent, rational and incredibly moral, which made me feel like the exact opposite. Now I know that it was just how he got power and control over me.

What strategies do you use to help you deal with the memories?

[KIP.]

Have you had counselling? If they’re just memories that aren’t harmful but are taking up your headspace then I put an elastic band on my wrist and pinged it hard when these memories would plague me. I also learned mindfulness which was great to bring me back to the present moment. It all gets easier. I also taught myself to remember good memories of past relationships, either romantically or not. Just to emphasise that I didn’t need him to be happy. It wasnt all about him. Even though that’s how I’d been programmed to think x

[fridges]

My therapist suggested to do EMDR – this is a help to deal with big traumas parts. I will be trying this next week.
Traumas need to be taken care of. They need to heal it and getting help will be very necessary.
in some heavy cases – self help is not enough and you need support.
There are days when I feel empowered and there are days when I feel very scared, very hurt, what was had done to me.
Flashbacks – can really hold you on to trauma and you experience again and again, with the same intensity, like it was happening. I have no contact with my abuser – not the first one and not the second ( which happened to be worse than the first one) but when I have flashbacks, I’m back again to the situation.
Specially having problems when I take shower, I wash, wash and feel dirty, i feel him on me.
Hope this type of therapy will help me – to replace it.

[AirBlue]

Thank you both for your replies. I really appreciate it.

KIP, I’m currently ona waiting list for counselling. It’s not certain how long it will take for a slot to be available though. Mindfulness is a great suggestion. I will definitely give it a try. Thinking about other good memories is a great idea too. Thank you so much for your suggestions.

fridges, I hope that your therapy goes well. I absolutely agree that support is needed. I just hope that it comes soon.

[iwillbeok]

AirBlue,
I have recieved counselling for my ex-husbands rapes and in talking with my counsellor I have had the chance to deal with the other abuses over a long marriage in the lead up to the rapes. I have been unable to see my counsellor for a significant amount of time but found that when I am having flashbacks I whisper to myself “He’s not here. I am safe.” Now I find I need to say less repeats of this mantra before I calm down and become present again. Mindfulness and taking time to acknowledge the peaceful environment my home is now, has made a big impact too.

I hope you can access counselling soon.

Xx iwillbeok

[AirBlue]

I am so sorry for what you have been through. I really am.

Thank you for mantra. I will give it a try. The issue is some of the things that he said to me stick around and I start thinking of myself as the person he saw me as and almost hating myself because of it.

[fridges]

I found a private therapist, waiting list from the rape centre is at least 9 months and I was not able to cope it on my own. It is my first experience, it is worth to do, just need to find the right person to work on yourself. I was declined before and actually felt worth after trying to find the right therapist. My first meeting was not a nice one – the lady was quite arrogant with me, and looked down on me. Before coming to see her, we spoke on the phone, I have asked her, does she deal with sexual abuse, with the relationships and family abuse, she said – yes, on her site it was stated too. But then she was totally different with me and said, she can not help me.
First I gave up and later I returned and started to look for help again, then I found this site.
I do the same thing like iwillbeok – i say to me, i’m alone, he is not any near me, and if he try to reach me, i call police. it is kind of mantra for me.
And that I will protect myself, and look after me.

[AirBlue]

I have gone private before and would definitely do so again. The company I used was amazing. The only difficulty is that I can’t afford to go privately for counselling. I’m so sorry that you didn’t have a good experience. I hope that you manage to find the help that you need.

[SunshineAngel]

Hi Airblue,
When I’m reading your posts I feel like I can relate so much. I also have so many memories of our relationship, I think about it all the time. I try not to, but then it comes haunting me at night. My ex sounds just like yours. He was always pretending to be so moral and special, and even told be he had (detail removed by moderator). It made it so difficult to understand how someone who would care so much about strangers and be so kind to everyone would hurt me and abuse me, the person he was supposed to love and protect. I am still struggling to wrap my head around it and I hope that I can figure something out soon, I’m tired of thinking about it all the time.
I am trying to keep busy, try to focus on nice things. It’s not helping all the time but sometimes. It also helps me to spend time with my friends and kind people. I started writing down my memories. I only just re-read some pages of what I wrote a couple of months ago and was amazed, because there were a lot of things I had forgotten already. It’s a very confusing time, my brain just seems to be on overload.
I hope you feel better soon and find a way to cope with these memories. Please be kind to yourself. Don’t let his words get into your head and make you feel bad about yourself. You already recognized that he just pretended to be so moral to make you feel bad. Remember that this was a tactic he was using, and it doesn’t say anything about you, only him.

[AirBlue]

Thank you so much for your kind words. I am so sorry that you had to experience something similar.

Oddly enough, I’ve started writing the memories down in an effort to get them out of my system. I think it’ll be a while before I can look back at them, but it helps to vent some of the emotions that I’m experiencing. Like you, I’m tired of thinking of it all the time and would like to wrap my head around it.

Thank you for the advice of doing nice things as well. I will try to take some more time out for myself.

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi AirBlue,

It helped me to read what you wrote:

‘He would always present himself as being highly-intelligent, rational and incredibly moral, which made me feel like the exact opposite.’

That’s exactly how my ex presented himself too. I thought he was this good, kind, genuine, dependable, honest, faithful, sweet and lovely guy when we first met. He used that ‘rational’ act to suggest I was imagining things and convinced me to see a therapist and even offered to pay for me to have therapy for ‘imagining things.’ This was his way of trying to get away with abusing me whilst gaslighting me saying I had imagined it all.

My ex took part in (detail removed by moderator) and it’s an event where all the participants seem like these amazing virtuous saints and it makes me feel sick thinking about it. I have read it is common for these types of men to seek out positions of power in communities to help them with their facade of being good people and to make it much harder for their victims to be believed.

I’m struggling with flashbacks myself, so not sure what to advise, but it helps sometimes to write them down or paint/draw them. Plus therapy with a trauma specialist if possible, such as counselling or EMDR.

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