Memory gone – making sense

[fizzylem]

Is anyone else experiencing this; I’ve had a constant ache at the back of my head for 18mths; I used to be sharp, could remember detail, now I can’t seem to pull anything from memory and struggle with speech. My creative fluidity has gone as well. The pain is worse in the mornings; I’ve come to accept it but it’s frustrating at times and I wonder if it will ever come back, heal completely, especially as it’s been going on for so long.

However, although I kicked my abuser out some years ago, it was only really recently that I have cut contact completely and feel truly ‘out’ now. I can see that I have been experiencing emotional trauma for almost a decade.

Have been reading tonight that trauma effects the hippocampus and it shrinks, and this effects memory function; and guess what, its position is at the back of the head. I’m also so very aware that my stress tolerance is low and I have extreme thoughts like, ‘no way on earth am I going to risk letting another man into my life ever’, this tells me I have a lot of personal development to do yet huh.

I’m so very aware that I am only focusing on what I can do right now, the care for my daughter and me and feeling good about this, I consciously try to keep things relaxed, not let too many folk in, keep it simple, and as stress free as possible. I can see how my stress tolerance will improve over time but that at the mo it is shot, so I don’t react from it, I ride it out, talk myself down, normalise things, as can see even the typical every day stresses leave me on edge and with a sharp knot in my stomach; but this change hey – I can this.

But the head and the memory? Will it return and when will this be?

I feel sure the trauma over such a prolonged time has left me with some brain damage – can’t get GP app for 2 weeks – but have booked in to discuss it with her. If it was a physical beating he could be arrested for assault – has anyone else had anything like this and tried to do anything about it in law? If so what? Sometimes feel angry he’s got away with it while we’re living in the aftermath, obviously my health effects my kids as well; I can’t work, I’ve lost my career and I can’t see me doing any kind of work for a long time yet; me and my kids have lost what was a comfortable lifestyle.

[White Rose]

Hi fizzylem
It sounds a good idea to see your doctor to get this checked out.
Stress and tension often result in head and neck pain and we all know the effect of anxiety on our brain function – ruins it!
Whatever it is I hope you start to feel better soon x

[Confused123]

Hi Hun

Sorry to hear the abuse has effected your memory, i would def recommend highly that you go to see your gp about the head pains and losss of memory. For me i was so trautmisied i got to point i couldnt even recognise abuse or was just so drained mentally and emotionally nothing was loggin in with me or i was in denial, its only now that i have been out for x years, i can clearly see what they did and how they abused me and talkign about what happened in counselling confirmed it wasnt normal behaviour . Its so shocking how they carry on with their lifes as if nothing has happened, i waot for karma to give them a big whack in the face every day to release my pain. Not sure if u were married to him but could you claim for how he had effected yoru health.

[Serenity]

Hi Fizzy Lem,

It’s best to have all the necessary checks, but just to say that my memory and concentration were and continue to be affected by the abuse, though they are improving.

I also had dreadful eye problems and head aches- optical migraines/ due to the stress.

[Suntree]

My memory is bad and I find my speech gets blurred or mixed up. I was worried but my Dr says it is from exhaustion and it will come back.
I had a brain scan for something else and all looks basically good.

What I have found is I hold myself very tense at times and clench my jaw, this causes all sorts of problems. So I am working on relaxing. I do better some days than others.

[Ayanna]

After I fled I could literally not even spell my name anymore.
I was only able to do automated things. At work I did what I had done for many years, I was unable to go for any training or take in anything new. I stepped down to a lower position because that was safe for me.
I was unable to go for any job interviews for many months. My brain was frozen.
I still have enormous problems concentrating. I should do some training again, but I keep postponing it.
Since the beginning of this year I noticed that my speech has become slightly faster and some thinking processes seem to return.
I do not curse so much anymore and sometimes I remain calm when I actually feel like shouting at a stupid person. This is huge progress for me.
I also noticed that I can remember numbers again. I still cannot remember names, but the numbers begin to stick in my memory. That is the start of something good for sure. It took a few years to get to this stage.

I started attending sessions at a psychologist’s. He tries very hard. But I am unsure whether he will be able to get through to me.
I will also go for a course that is supposed to help me bring my brain in order. It is said to be very efficient. I will see. I try everything, because my messed up brain affects my life and my career badly.

The hippocampus shrinks the earlier the trauma begins. People who suffered prolonged childhood trauma have a smaller hippocampus. When abuse is experienced later in life the hippocampus is not that badly affected and recovery is easier.
However, the longer the exposure to the trauma lasts, the more the hippocampus is affected.

We also have individual levels of resilience. Some people have gone through horrendous childhood abuse and still succeed in life, others do not.

Although our brains suffer badly from abuse, there is our willpower.

My brain is an entire mess. But I fight against this mess on a daily basis. On the outside I appear to be an average person. Only people who know me really well notice my struggle. I go to work. I have given up any career aspirations. When I do not work I am at home in my bed, recovering. I order everything online and looking after myself is a real struggle. My life is really odd compared to how it was before I met the ex abuser.
I do not know whether I will live like this until the end of my days. I have been living like this since I fled the abuse and my health has gotten worse. I know it is all from the stress of the abuse and the physical injuries.
I have hope, that I will improve over time. I need to keep this hope otherwise I will give up.
Often I loose all hope, because I cannot see enough progress and things take already very long. What if I remain the way I am now?
Some level of damage will never go away, that is for sure.

[fizzylem]

Ayanna, have you tried processing what happened by doing some written pieces just for yourself? Guess some folk like to write and others not so but I have found it has helped me. I can relate to you when you say you feel your head is a mess. I’ve done a few exercises to help me separate things in my mind and have ended up with clarity and the feeling that I have a few files in order up there now if that makes sense.

The first one I wrote was a while ago now, I wanted to try and understand what is causing this animosity from him towards me, so I wrote a list of all the things that I have found hurtful or upsetting that he has done ever since he’s been in my life – over the last (detail removed by Moderator) years. At first I was struck by how many things he’d done, this made me think why did I let this carry on for so long? This alone was useful as I started to read into trauma bonds and really think about the links from my childhood, this enabled me to see that cutting contact was the only way forward.

This list also showed me how forgiving I had been but also how it has been a continuum – going from one difficulty to the next – this helped me to see exactly what had happened, and it then made sense why my head has felt in a spin, you know, if someone had asked me what has he done? I probably couldn’t have given a straight answer as there were so many things, now I am clear about what he did, his words and actions. Before this it was one big jumble of hurt and his words echoed, I really did wonder if we were equally to blame before this.

I was then able to see him more as a full person as well, the part I loved was small and I didnt see it very often, I started to see recognise that he lives his life without a care for anyone else – not just me, everyone. That helped.

I then wrote a list of all the things that I thought that I had done that could have hurt him, this made me see that there was no comparison – there were 10ish things on my list and over 60ish on his and the things he had done were much much worse; this removed the last remnants of the self blame for me – he has worked tirelessly on blaming me and trying to get me to believe this, I could finally see and ‘feel’ that none of this was my fault at all.

Doing these type of exercises has definitely helped me to tidy up in my mind, these exercises might not be relevant to you and your situation but maybe another is – you’ll know inside what it is you want to reflect on. Another one I wrote down was the conversations I’ve had with my daughter, what she has said to me about her father – writing this down means that I no longer need to remember it – it is all there in a document now should I need to refer to it again. I suppose each exercise comes under the heading ‘making sense’ or ‘processing trauma’. Hope the whirling stops for you soon Ayanna and to anyone else who is feeling lost or in the midst of things x

[Lioness]

I think I am having something similar, the top half of my back and neck are so painful on a morning, I feel like my spine is compressed and have constant pain all day. My memory is also terrible, I have left my car door wide open a lot recently in car parks and leave my keys on the outside of the house in the lock. It’s the silly practical everyday things, I forgot to feed the dogs this morning and came home to their breakfast still on the worktop (whoops) Also my emotion has completely left me. I cant cry and have no feeling and feel numb (apart from towards my daughter) and I think this was my defence mechanism still playing its part even though we have been apart, albeit not very long. But I get irritable on an evening when I am by myself and small things feel like quite an effort. I do think things like this are all linked to years of abuse, you cant switch back to how you were before overnight. I wish we could . Im glad you brought that up as I didn’t realise things like this happen because of what we have been through. I thought it was just me!

[Mimosa]

Thanks for this! I’ve been struggling to remember people’s names, places, directions and facts- most stuff really! Work and my studies have been hard but I’m getting better, I can once again search in my head for the right words in a report or academic writing and it’s there, whereas until recently everything was a struggle. I also get a dull headache at the base of my head and neck and strangely started to feel that height of the shower head is too low, it feels claustrophobic and creates pressure on my head and neck. It’s starting to make more sense after reading this! He has gone away for a week on holiday. The week before I felt ill with the build up if pressure from him, with the tension building. Everyday an explosion about even the most banale things. Awful. But I could feel my body unravelling and my mind getting more lucid as it got nearer his departure date. So excited to wake up free of him for a few days and not to have the pressure of every tiny little thing needing to be 100% perfect for him or he’d throw a massive tantrum, swear, call me names, denegrate my family, criticise me, throw stuff, push me etc etc! I’m not ‘allowed’ to listen to music or radio, or read in bed because it disturbs him or offends him because I’m not giving my full attention to him. He can do whatever he likes! I am a strong, capable woman so when did I decide to go along with his rulings? I’m reading, checking out the forum for help and listening to music and it feels good! My body is still untangling but I know it will tighten up again as it gets nearer to him coming back, putting my defences back in place, living a half life of appeasement. Still working on the exit plan. Timing is everything!

Mimosa
X

[fizzylem]

Hoping you get away soon Mimosa x

[Nova]

Thanks Fizzylem for posting about memory loss…there’s huge parts of my recent past are a total blank, atm. I try hard to recall and nothing comes back. I have to read his nasty emails to jog my memory.
It’s so frustrating and makes me feel confused and very unsure what happened. The more I try the worse it gets.
I definitely dont feel I could hold down any kind of responsibile job like I normally would,and feel like small tasks are challenging.

I write lists…but have so many major issues to deal with, unsupported..I try to avoid the reality of it all, and take one tiny step at a time. It’s a uphill struggle, some days are worse than others. Some days I feel totally motivated and get lots done! Others not. Back & forward, depending on my indirect dealings with him. I know I’m stressed to the max, & coping with this after shock of real Trauma is hard. Headaches, tinnitus, my hearing is worse, irritability, insomnia are my constant companions, my mind and body feels tired.

Thanks for posting
Cuppa
X

[Mimosa]

Hi Cuppa

Thanks for sharing, I’ve also lost chunks of time, make lists which seem unachievable. He expects the moon on a stick – everyday! He’s away so there’s no daily pressure, just his expectations for when he comes back. I know nothing will be to his satisfaction. I want to not care what he’s going to say or do, but I’m dreading it. So whatever things were like for you, it’s going to take time for you to adjust to living without those pressures of having to do EVERYTHING and DO IT NOW!! It’s like living under an oppressive regime I guess. The joy of mine being away has shown me that. You’re doing great! It’s your timetable now!

Mimosa
X

[fizzylem]

Relate so much Cuppa, was there only a month ago, but decided to stop doing what I thought needed me to attend to. I stopped, and focused all my energy of self-care and caring for my family, obviously I dont know your situation and whether this is possible, but at that time I was thinking I need legal advice, need to get a trauma therapist, find a support group, I filled in non-mol form as a first draft, but can see now that standing still and doing what my body asks – rest, me, kids was the way forwards. If you can make it stop, hoping this is soon for you x

[fizzylem]

Thanks for sharing ladies, reading your replies and a return visit to a therapist who knows me well from the past, has reassured me that I don’t need a brain scan and that it is linked to the stress and trauma and should return over time – feel like I’ve moved back into a more healthier position again of accepting it is the way it is. I will speak to the GP again, seeing her tomorrow, but suspect she will say the same. Prolonged abuse and neglect in childhood, yes I can tick that box, this week I seem to be noticing so many links between my abuser and my mother. It’s the creative fluidity I am missing most, being creative is a big part of who I am – it gives me the feeling I’m alive and now it feels unattainable. I can put up not being able to remember stuff for now and the pain, but feeling robbed of my creativity is something else.

[Lightness]

Fizzylem, you say:

‘I’m so very aware that I am only focusing on what I can do right now, the care for my daughter and me and feeling good about this, I consciously try to keep things relaxed, not let too many folk in, keep it simple, and as stress free as possible.’

Well done, I say! It sounds like you’re listening to your body and giving yourself some well deserved care. That will help you heal.
You may also want to do some relaxation – e.g. yoga, meditation. That might help – just a thought.

You may have PTSD or still be in survival mode – which could switch off your memory and creativity temporarily, I would have thought.

x

[fizzylem]

Thank you for your words Lightness, you’ve hit the nail on the head for me there – yes – I’m in survival mode – thank you lovely lady – that helps me to make sense a great deal. Yes I have bags to sort out but atm that’s on hold and I do a bit when I can outside of pilates, gym, walking my dog, started clearing the garden today! That felt good; also preparing and eating healthy food for me and my family, are all small things that I can do right now, but each gives me a small pleasure and helps the healing hey. I can see I haved moved from being an OK parent back into being able to parent well. Hope you’re getting better too x

[Nova]

hi Ladies..just to echo the sentiment of …’in survival mode’ one can impose more stress on oneself by pushing to move forward too quickly and impatiently.
Which is a difficult one…as I want to make big strides to make the distance greater between me and ‘that’ life!
never mind him…we have to focus on being gentle & kind to ourselves in a calmer way. Not the frenzied confrontational way (which I’m used to and you probably!)Its a clash with our sense of inner self, the real ME!..it stops our thinking and blocks our positive energy.
Have to rethink and re work my/our ways

& be kind to yourself ladies…go back in time and connect with the core of you, what makes you tick and pleases you.
It allowed! Let you be you!
I wish there was a sanctuary a ‘place’ to go to to be with other like minded souls like us just to chill!
..no doubt there’s lots out there to discover, our future paths of a more peaceful life in tune with who WE are …

hugs
Cx

[fizzylem]

Confused! Have been referred for a brain scan now – but it will be a 2 month wait – gah! Suppose it will be useful to know the results one way or another, maybe it is just the effects of trauma and living life alone, would be good to have it explained to me whatever it is. My GP picked up on protein in my urine, which could mean kidney problems or diabetes. Would make sense to me why my body and mind just wont do for me nor have they for over a year – and if its not this, then I’m back to knowing it’s the trauma and fibromyalgia – makes me wonder if fibromyalgia is simply the symptoms of trauma? And leading a self sufficient life.

I want to get out and go to the gym and relax in the spa today – I get one night in every two weeks to completely please myself, but have zero energy and don’t want to feel the cold outside – its like it freezes my bones! Spending a lot of time on here lately, too much? Or is it needed for now? I would like to find a support group and seek legal advice but it feels like such an up hill struggle.

[Author]

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