16th April 2016 at 5:20 pm #14070HealthyarchiveBlocked
It has occurred to me that this might be a valid point, does anybody agree that these days traditional roles that men had in the past cause confusion/conflict in modern relationships. Men’s traditional role was that of hunter/gatherer, provider, breadwinner and man of the house. Women these days are much more independent, equal, often earning more than men, living alone and being assertive and confident. I am asking myself if those traditional men with those values are threatened by these women and it causes dichord in any relationships between the two. I think now that my ex was threatened by me. He was very old school, the woman stays at home, the man is in charge and makes the rules, that is the sort of upbringing he had. I on the other hand are independent with a successful career and live alone. I think he found that hard to cope with and used abuse to “put me in my place”.
16th April 2016 at 5:37 pm #14072Eve1Participant
I think you make a very valid, important point. My ex seemed very laid back about traditional roles, but in reality he was threatened by any shows of equality from me. Early on he said I was’too independent’!
In a good relationship you should be able to have an intelligent reasonable discussion about your roles, surely? I desperately wanted that and thought if we could just talk about things, it could get better. I bought a Dr Phil book about relationships and read it avidly and scribbled in pencil lots of things I though would help. Yet another waste of time!
Well done to you for being a successful, independent woman. I love being independent again now, but have always struggled with the successful career but, even when single. I wanted love more than success, I think. I needed it. I think it was missing too much from my childhood.
16th April 2016 at 5:56 pm #14075SilkyHalideParticipant
I agree, we all struggle with the shift from traditional expectations and modern expectations. We are brought up with learned behaviours but society is a miss match.
My ex thought because he did some of the “women’s” role (cooking very messily and shopping) both of which he was very good at and put me down when I did, he was a modern man and I was lucky. but all he really wanted was to have it all. The wife, mother (to him and our children), housekeeper, handy girl, w***e, friend, counsellor, pa, earner and successful business woman all in one. I couldn’t live it and he wouldn’t let me drop any of those personas or wouldn’t let me forget the role(s) I wasn’t fullfiling
16th April 2016 at 6:16 pm #14077SerenityParticipant
I agree. A valid point.
I don’t think I realised all my married life how sexist my husband actually was!
This is because he is very sly. I am from a family of strong, independent career women. When he met me, he probably thought he’d fallen on clover. He isn’t from this country. I was very keen on Mother Earth-type things ( cooking, crafts ) and was a busy bee around the home, as I was very domesticated. Not because I was a woman, but because it’s what I enjoyed ( my mother isn’t very domesticated, and maybe I needed to be growing up!).
I realise so clearly now that he probably thought he was so lucky: the country he comes from is poor and rather sexist, and he had come here to a country where he could make money, yet have a wife who he could make as much a domestic slave as the women back home! I can see it all now!
I had clues. When we visited his home country, how run down the women were, breaking their backs digging vegetables after a long day’s work, toiling over a stove, putting up with their husbands’ affairs…each time I went, I learned more, and was shocked. I remember going to a local small
Supermarket there, and there were posters of topless women hung over the fridges.
I think my ex knew I was from a family of strong women, so knew he had to be more clever in his monopolising of me. So he never actually came out and said he thought women were lesser- until a bit before he left, and he told me my place was to shut my mouth and serve him as he walked through the door. We warned me covertly to act as if I were lesser than him, or he would go, I realise now ( he was one for cryptic messages).
He actively tried to stop me from achieving academically. He won twice, but third time lucky, he failed. Then he tried to sabotage my job. Then he made fun of it. And worst of all, he stated being cruel to the children when I was at work and he had care of them, as if in protest that he was being asked to be househusband for a day.
Yes, my ex was sexist through and through. Each time I visited his country, I think I realised more and more how they were at least 30 years behind us in their thinking.
I might add though, that there is a type of man in that country who is happy for his wife to do all the earning and housework, whilst he sits on his backside watching certain tv programmes. These poor women are breaking their backs whilst their husband is sitting there watching porn at midday. Yes, seriously.
I was so stupid to think culture didn’t matter.
16th April 2016 at 6:53 pm #14083AyannaParticipant
This is not as it seems. At the beginning of mankind the women ruled. Everywhere were matriarchal societies. The myth of the amazones comes from ancient Lybia. Men had to hunt because pregnant women were unable to run and fight as efficiently. But women were the superior ones because they are the givers of life.
Man, Wo-Man = man with a womb
Even here in the UK the word proofs the high status women had before we lost the battle against the perpetrators.
Something happened that made women give up their superior status and made women submissive to men.
Maybe it was a slow progression within the development of humans when they began to build cities and defended themselves against invaders. In the beginning of the settlements and building of towns and ancient kingdoms there were priestesses who possessed a lot of power. All this vanished over time. Eventually we fell into the disaster of witch burning and religions said women have no soul, classed us lower than animals.
We need to take our power back. That is what we have to do. We are not born to be slaves and to be submissive. We are born to be queens. And this is how we have to be. Trample the patriarchy! I do what I want when I want and no man can rule over me ever again! The opposite will happen: he will do as I say.
16th April 2016 at 7:03 pm #14086KIP.Participant
I have a wonderful father and 3 wonderful brothers in law. I ended up with a rotten apple. The judge in his trial was a woman, my solicitor was a woman and I am a woman and we kicked his a*s. Things are moving in our direction. Not quickly enough though but when you think it wasn’t that long ago that it wasn’t a crime for a husband to rape his wife and we only got the vote last century. We have come a very long way in quite a short time. I think in another 100 years, the world will be a much better place for women. I wish more men would come on board with women’s rights. More men should speak out against domestic abuse x
16th April 2016 at 8:03 pm #14095SerenityParticipant
My ex hated me having an opinion about anything. Politics, contemporary issues.. He used to try and show me up and make me look stupid.
I honestly think he wanted me to just ‘do’ and not ‘be.’
I have realised that he was just out to subjugate me. Not to encourage me.
I should have realised when he kept saying ‘you promised to obey me when we married.’ When I retorted that he promised to love and cherish, and said that relationships were like a plant and needed watering with care and kindness, he looked at me like I was an alien from outer space.
Cocky little upstart. He’s five and a half foot of pure mouth and it is all garbage.
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