This topic contains 26 replies, has 9 voices, and was last updated by  KIP. 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #103943
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    So today I learned that he’s on a dating site just a few days after leaving. It hit me like a brick in the head.
    Before this he rang me to ask when he can collect the rest of his stuff, naturally I went to pieces. Told him I love him, he didn’t care. Pretty much told me he’s not going to be at the birth and after my section he won’t be around to help me out with our toddler.
    I’m absolutely lost today. I wanted to end my own life, I’ve never felt so traumatised before, I’ve been drinking to help settle my nerves. I rang a crisis helpline for help, I can’t cope with life. He’s really hurt me, and knowing he’s already moving on despite me being heavily pregnant has destroyed me. X

  • #103945
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    What a horrible man xx I know you feel love for him but this is shrouded in trauma. Your feelings are this strong all due to trauma I promise. I know this hurts but this will ease with time. If you don’t draw the line he will hurt u over and over it won’t stop. Only you can make this stop xx think of the beautiful baby you will have the n your arms soon. You will move on with your life believe it or not. I felt exactly the same as u I was utterly Brocken but time changes everything. When he’s out of ur life you can then make a new happy one for you and the kids. You can do this hunny I’m not that strong but with time I came out the other side. Delete or block him that’s the first step xx and get some real life support we are here for you xx 😘

  • #103946
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    Also this will damage your kids and these type of men have a dramatic and sometimes irreversible effect on the development of children xx it’s proven so what option is there. You have to get up and fight xx

    Love diymum💕❤️

  • #103947
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    I know I need to literally erase him from my life, a family member has agreed to be a 3rd party for him to see his daughter. He originally wanted to just turn up here and pick her up from here, at least I can avoid him whilst I’m feeling this way. He is in humane at how cruel he can treat a heavy pregnant person. My anxiety is all over the place. The helpline worker was so lovely and immediately arranged for extra help and support for me. X

  • #103949
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    A third party will make it less traumatic xx you have to protect YOURSELF now love 💕 you’ll be ok dosent feel it but you will xx one day at a time lots of nice stuff for yourself warm bath. Try to ground yourself and when you get stressed remind your self this will get better xx with him gone this will get better. The longer he is around the more trauma he will cause. You have your whole life ahead off you xx 😘

  • #103972
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    It’s a feeling I’ve been avoiding, i new it was going to feel this way I’ve walked away from an abuser before and I remember the trauma feelings too well. But I never imagined I would get as low as I did yesterday, I was afraid of myself! And he caused me to feel that way, without a care of my well being or the fact I’m carrying his baby.

    I was hanging on to get through lock down and the birth of our baby, hoping he might have ‘sorted himself out’ which is something he always promised to do. But never did!

    I’m not ok today, and far from it but I don’t feel as traumatised as yesterday.

    I am still constantly thinking about him as well, just never thought in a million years how his attitude changed towards our pregnancy 😢😢

  • #103973
     Theydeservethebest 
    Participant

    Sadly incidents of abuse are more likely when pregnant. My partner was pretty nasty just after I’d given birth both at hospital and at home. It’s a terrible thing. I know you feel awful, I’m so sorry.
    Down the line you will see the silver lining that he’s gone while the kids are still young. You will be their decision maker and primary carer and they will be so much better for that.

  • #103981
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    These men have no decency. I was pushed about when I was pregnant too. I remember him going to meet a woman he worked with to take her to the pictures I was ready to give birth. Who’s interest does he have? His own agenda.not all men are like this. You’ve done well ur through to the next day and u feel a little better xx 😘 your strong and u can do this. You can pave a better future just keep going ❤️

  • #104024
     KIP. 
    Participant

    When my ex caused me this amount of pain I used it to prevent all further contact. I gave him my heart and he stomped all over it. After that it was a survival mode to cease all contact at all costs. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Ask yourself what would things truly be like if he came back. You’d have a lifetime of misery and these men love to watch us in pain and that’s what he will do each time he gets the opportunity. So don’t give him that opportunity. Take things an hour at a time. If you’ve escaped an abuser before then you know you can heal again. This time much wiser x stick to zero contact and block him on everything. Make it absolutely clear that any Direct contact from him will be viewed as harassment. Zero contact is you having the final word. You taking back control showing him he’s not worthy to be in your life. His game is exposed and he’s cut out your life for good. Breaking zero contact gives him back the power. Zero contact is extremely painful for their ego too. It’s closure for you x

  • #104040
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    I can’t do zero contact because of our child already born, he has been in touch yesterday to arrange to see her which I’ve arranged a 3rd party to pick her up and drop her off. I’ve not contacted him first, and During our text conversation I’ve done the grey rock method. I’ve since learnt he’s completely deleted any photos of me and my eldest from his social media account.

    He’s very very keen to collect the rest of his stuff, I don’t Know what though he’s already taken it all. It’s literally bits? He wants to do this today, but I’m not keen on him being in my home without me being there. Is he trying to play games? Should I avoid this for a while?

  • #104041
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You absolutely can and should do zero contact. Let this third party arrange contact with your child. You absolutely need to block him on everything and do not engage with him. Do not look at his social media. I found photos of me in our bin. Conveniently torn up and placed at the top. It’s all a big huge show to get a reaction from you. Any contact is toxic and will further destroy your mental health. Every opportunity he gets he will hurt and abuse you because he enjoys it. Get this third party to Tell him everything has to be done through this third party and he has absolutely not to contact you again. Get this third party to ask for a list of things he wants. A one off final list. I remember reading that abusers just want to get close enough to us again To slap us. Mentally.

  • #104124
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    That’s what I’ve done. Having had yet another panic day yesterday, I finally decided to block his number on top of social media, he simply cannot contact me at all now. My 3rd party is happy to my point of contact for him to see his child. I had to after i told him I’m not coping so well he so calmly says it’s over and it’s for the best, like I’m the one that’s caused the damages, making me feel like I’ve been the bad guy for asking him to go, I’m cruel and a b***h, apparently.

    He shows no interest of being at the birth! Which was the the point where I blocked him.

    I’m cold with anxiety this morning, it won’t seem to leave me. I still can’t eat or sleep, it’s just the worst feeling in the world. I’ve began meds but they are making me feel worse xx

  • #104126
     KIP. 
    Participant

    Well done. He’s messing with your head and always will. You’re breaking an addiction, a trauma bond and it’s going to be hard in the beginning. Like a heroin addict going cold turkey but I promise with zero contact and time you won’t recognise the old you. He’s worse than not interested, he’s destroying your mental health piece by piece taking you apart. I remember that sick feeling and not being able to eat but force yourself to sip water and I had an boiled egg a day Which I forced myself to eat. You need to trick your mind into letting you eat because your mind needs sustainance to work properly as well as your body. In a few days the anxiety will lessen. At the moment you’re feeling anxious because of his reactions but you don’t have to see his reaction. Let him wallow in his isolation now. When I cut him off I thought to myself that he never respected me before so maybe now he will. Now ive finally cut him off, never allowing him to harm me again. I burned all the bridges I could too. Sending you a big 🤗. Take baby steps x

  • #104165
     [email protected] 
    Participant

    I remember feeling this way. I started on meds too and felt like I was too spaced out to think through anything. It was citilopram I changed it and the anxiety eased it might not be the right one for you hun. I’ve as waking up thinking oh no is this real I just didn’t know what to do with my day. I had kids to look after so I felt guilty feeling my head was in a mess of emotional turmoil really. This part is the trauma bonding breaking and I won’t lie it is like an addiction. A craving and side effects like you’ve swallowed a stone whole. I couldn’t eat or keep down water either I went down to 7 stones in weight. I never kept appointments I neglected myself xx what I’m trying to say is this is natural and the fact we’ve all gone through this too says that. You do come out the other side. Try to write things down when ur trying to organise urself. Don’t over do it and keep telling yourself I am safe this will pass. It will there have been days and even weeks that my anxiety has not been there. You’ll get there but no contact is needed or it’s back to square one time and time again that is no good for you xx lots of love diymum

  • #104167
     Bobocel-blossom 
    Participant

    Hi honey,you are not lost and not broken.You are in my opinion a survivor and sooo much stronger than i was long time ago.I was tricked to return to him while he was “interneting “ways to crush me!he used despicable devaluation and many lies and false promisses but i blocked him eventually and got my mind a break from torture,i let the solicitors handle it and started focusing on my kids ,start eating,running,yoga,slept better,quit sugar stuff etc to be healthy for them as they deserve a healthy clean mind and body mother.In many ways you are a hero even know you can not see it yet.If focused on real yourself finding the way to You, honey,you’ll never go wrong this way.

  • #104169
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    I have not experienced what you are going through and have no idea how it must feel for you to left heavily pregnant at this time to cope with all of this trauma, I can only try to imagine.

    Have you let your midwife and the Health Professionals know of the situation? You really need to let them know you do not want him near you when you give birth. That way, if he does decide to show up if he hears you have gone in to labour then they can get security to keep him away. If you choose to breast feed then he will have no rights to come and have access to the baby when she is so dependent on you for regular feeds and no rights to come to your home to see her either. If he has made this decision now then he will have to wait until the baby is older before having independent contact that you can arrange via a third party. You cannot be demanded to express milk for him to be able to have her so that he can feed her. The priority and needs of a new born are more important than his rights for contact.

    With regards to him being on a dating site, I know how upsetting this can be to think that your ex is so ‘over you’ that they are ready to move on. Mine got married very quickly after I left him, he just couldn’t be without a woman. Seriously, do not let this worry you. He is in no place to move on and any woman with the right attitude and knowledge will avoid him like the plague! You need to pity a woman who does take him on because he’s going to mess with her head from the get go. Seriously, if another woman wants him, let her know she’s welcome to him. He is not going to suddenly be the amazing man that you wanted him to be – that man does not exist. She’ll just get the bloke you used to have. The two wives my ex has had since me have both been abused by him, one of them more so than me. He didn’t change for the better, he got worse.

    Like others have said, just take this hour by hour, day by day, half a week at a time. That’s all you can do. If I can work out how to insert emojis I’d put a hug here, but all I can do is happy and sad faces!

  • #104200
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    Thank you all for your supporting words. Everyday is a huge struggle, I ate a proper meal yesterday so that’s a good start. I took my meds after my meal which helped me to relax and had a much better sleep. I have however woken with the horrible cold anxiety feeling again, I see his face and I miss him so much, it happens every morning. I lie here googling things and trying to process What’s going on, it’s awful.

    He saw his daughter yesterday using my 3rd party, I felt anxious all day without her. I was sat watching the clock until it was time to pick her up again.
    He dropped off some bits that he mistakenly took and left some boxes for me to use if and when I come across his stuff.
    What I’m finding disturbing is my 3rd contact has now become our go between, he’s mithering to come to the house to fix something, he knows he doesn’t need to because what he’s hoping to fix is something I can arrange to do myself with my works. They passed that message on to him, he then replies to say he he could do with coming himself because he wants the (detail removed by moderator) out of the garden which I made for his daughter, she feeds them (detail removed by moderator) every b****y day and he knows she loves them. Why would he be so cruel to take that away as well? Is he trying to get a reaction out of me?

  • #104201
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    *he made

  • #104202
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Lost and Broken, it sounds like the 3rd party is becoming a flying monkey, like the monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, doing the wicked witches dirty work. They’re feeling obliged to convey these messages not realising the effect they’re having on you. Is it possible they’re strong enough to tell your oh they’re not HIS go between, they’re only doing the hand over for your child and you. If he wants to tell you anything to do so himself, that way you are in charge again, and can let him know there’s no need for him to contact you and vice versa, unless it is as about your child. If he then starts needless contact and it’s causing more anxiety, ask him on two occasions, preferably by text or email as there’s then a written confirmation you’ve done so. Mine doesn’t do texts,supposedly has problems,but doesn’t stop him other times. Then after you’ve asked him to stop contacting you, you contact the police explain to their DA trained officers what’s happening and let them take control. Don’t get into a back and forth dialogue as it’ll be seen as contact and ‘just’ a couple having disagreements. What he’s trying to do comes under coercive control and is a criminal offense since an Act was passed in 2015. Look i lt up, get to know what it entails. Also keep a diary of child contact, if he shows, is he late picking up/returning your child, how is your child when they come home or during the week. Is there any changes in your LO, more clingy, crying more, getting more frustrated/angry, not eating, bedwetting(if potty trained) you’ll know the wee one best. This diary can help in the future if the need arises.(going to court), include dates, times and if there’s any witnesses to this behaviour, his send the wee ones.
    Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

  • #104203
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    I’ve woken up to a list of things he wants to collect which is fine, so I’ve agreed he can get the lot on a day where I can be scarce. I do trust he just wants his stuff and that’s that. He is being reasonable and my contact said he’s remorseful and still cares. He wants to sit and talk, but has been explained to them that I can do this when I’m ready to. He wants to be at the birth and support afterwards as I’m having a section as I did with our toddler and he knows the recovery for me is awful. We do have a baby on the way and I would like him to Be apart of it more so for him to bond, he is a fantastic father just a lousy partner when he’s drunk. I’m not saying this because I want him back, I certainly know this is for the best I am just relieved about his attitude change. X

  • #104204
     KIP. 
    Participant

    His attitude change is because you’ve gone total zero contact and his remorse is not genuine. No man is a decent father when he abuses a mother. Your child will get this same abuse. He wants to sit and talk to hurt you more as he’s now realised you’re getting stronger and refusing contact. It’s extremely important that you stay zero contact or you will simply allow him to continue to hurt your and destroy your mental health. This man is a liar and a manipulator. Your contact doesn’t know if he is remorseful and still cares because it’s easy to talk the talk. He has already shown you his true colours, believe him. I know you want to believe the best but you have children to consider now. If he cared at all he would never have abused you. Once an abuser always an abuser. Don’t allow him anywhere near you or your home. Get the contact to drop his stuff off and remain total zero contact. You will simply give him the power back to hurt you with contact x stay strong and get through this next phase when he will say and do anything to regain control. Only to stomp all over your heart and mind again x

  • #104220
     theocrat 
    Participant

    I had a bit of a breakdown last night.

    I find writing my feelings out are a comfort.

    I’m trapped in my relationship. Trapped trapped trapped. I cannot see a way out. I’m stuck in this house – it’s not a home, it’s certainly not my home. All the decisions are made by him. Even what meals we eat everyday. Every day there’s a drama, an ordeal.

    I’m in bed (detail removed by moderator) with him led on top of me, it’s a tragic weekend morning routine, I’m scratching his back for him, tickling his back. I’m (detail removed by moderator) and he makes this noises he thinks are cute, but they’re just annoying.

    If I don’t go along with it he’s stroppy. He’ll ask me ‘What’s wrong?’ all faux concern.

    It’s like having a child.

    So I just go along with it, I’m pathetic.

    He is so hard to live with. Very moody, that’s the drugs, and the fact he’s incredibly unhappy.

    I’m constantly on egg shells, constantly living with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

    Anyway, I’ve been going along with it for years, but I’m really at rock bottom now, I’d say I’m depressed. I’m not sure I even love him anymore, I’m not sure I’ve ever loved him really, I hate myself for letting him treat me the way he does. When I met him I was coming out of an abusive relationship.
    I can’t believe I’ve wasted ANOTHER (detail removed by moderator) with ANOTHER abuser. I swear these men pick up on this in women.

    He’s beat me up, several times. He once beat me up because I confronted him about messaging another girl. Since that incident it’s happened (detail removed by moderator) – messaging other girls – (detail removed by moderator) separate ex’s. I don’t trust him, and of course I’ve tried to tell him that, pathetically for reassurance, but he just gets angry. Intimates me, hits me. So of course I just sit and take it. Pathetic.

    We’re supposed to be trying for a baby – it’s very time sensitive for me, as a woman. But we don’t have sex. So it’s ok – there’s no worry of me bringing a baby into this! He’s just got me hanging on, as he’s my only opportunity to have a baby now. This is contributing to my mood. I hate my life, my absolute waste of a life. I just can’t make it better.

    Trying for a baby. What a joke, especially as we don’t even have sex! He’s told me he doesn’t want to have sex with me. He tells me I’m fat – I’m an (detail removed by moderator). He’s told me I don’t turn him on that I’m not his type. He doesn’t ever c*m when we do rarely have sex, of course, why would he if he’s not attracted to me?

    He’s told me to tell my friends we’re trying for a baby, to give off the appearance we’re all happy and settled in this amazing grown up relationship. My friends know his ex well, so I’m certain he wants that passed on to her. Several of my friends have fallen pregnant since we’ve been ‘trying’. I’m sure he gets a thrill from seeing me upset about this, and of course my friends think there’s a problem with me so that’s embarrassing. I can’t tell them ‘I’m not pregnant because we actually don’t have sex, he tells me regularly he doesn’t fancy me’.

    He’s told his friends we’re trying for a baby – but made out to them the ‘lads lads lads’ that I don’t like having sex which is why it’s not yet happened. I was stunned when his friend commented on our sex life, saying how I don’t like sex, and also insinuating that my boyfriend gets plenty of sex elsewhere anyway.

    Just from typing this out I CANNOT believe what I put up with.

    I could go on for hours, with a million examples of his abusive behaviour.

    I’ll just leave it with what’s bothering me now.

     

     

  • #104223
     Wants To Help 
    Participant

    Hi Theocrat,

    I understand your situation so well and I really feel for you. Is there ANYWHERE else you can go and stay for at least a few days to give yourself some time away to think things through and seek further advice and support? Your partner is destroying everything about you on purpose so your confidence is at rock bottom. If you are a size 8/10 you are NOT fat in the slightest, so he is deliberately breaking you down.

    Please don’t take this as a criticism, but if you copy and paste your post in to a new thread it will come to the top of the topics where more people can offer you support and help, otherwise you may find this gets lost in LostandBroken’s thread x

  • #104240
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    There’s a huge part of me that wants to believe him as well. This is all so heart breaking. I miss him so much 💔

  • #104242
     HopeLifeJoy 
    Participant

    Of course you miss him. Your love for him was real. Only his was not. It was love for control, not love for your person, for who you are.
    Sending you a hug 💕

  • #104274
     lostandbroken 
    Participant

    I guess I’m still in the denial stage, the anxiety of it makes us very weak doesn’t it. I haven’t contacted him, and don’t have my intentions on doing so in the near future I’m very comfortable using the 3rd party. He told them he wants talk, as much as I want to hear what he has to say I don’t want to anytime soon. I know if I see or speak to him I will fall apart. I’ve been taking my meds at tea time, which is nearly our chilling time so I can ride out the side effects in a comfortable way, then come to this time I’m so relaxed and ready for bed my sleeping is better, as I get up and go out first thing in the morning and find endless amounts of ways to keep myself busy, can’t do that if I’m feeling drunk.
    I’m taking each day as it comes but I hope to see the other side soon, my day times feel unbearable 💔

  • #104277
     KIP. 
    Participant

    You’re doing really well. Zero contact will slowly strengthen you. Just take it slowly, it’s a major shock to the system but it truly does get so much better. I remember him telling me that he had moved on and I should too. Well guess what, it took a while but I’ve moved on. I actually moved on from him very quickly, it was the trauma he left me with that was much harder to move on from. He never moved on, he harassed and sent people round and used the solicitor and courts. Even when he’s having an affair, begging me to take him back. These men don’t move on as long as there’s contact they will suck the life from us. We are everything without them, they are nothing without us x power to you x

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