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Hi
This is my first time to a forum of any kind. I have been married for nearly (detail removed by moderator) years and virtually (detail removed by moderator) have i feel been abusive. It started with my husband basically having rages slamming doors shouting and swearing etc. If things went his way everything was more or less fine. He took early retirement (detail removed by moderator) years ago and this triggered started escalating his abuse. We would go for country walks where after 3 minutes of arriving he would say “say something dirty to me” and grab my hand and rub it over his genitals. I then had a barrage of different crude lewd and cringeworthy sexual comments eg if I was bent over filling up the dishwasher he would say look at your ***e I would ***k you. If I showed him a nice hotel he would say “yes very nice, book a room I could ***k you there. When I tried to reason with him and let him know it profoundly upset me he called me a frigid ***t. This continued on and off for years.It is mostly psychological, verbal and emotional abuse. I was abused because I had just moved house in a new county and had no broadband and could not find a large supermarket. The house was not ready and it was (detail removed by moderator) days before christmas. I said I was not in the mood for Christmas and he exploded and called me horrific names. I am called stupid thick unintellectual etc and sneered at. He absolutely ruined my (detail removed by moderator) birthday in a (detail removed by moderator)by having a hissy fit and swearing at me for no reason. I get no apologies. He finds it hard to admit he says the things he said. He totally forgets some of the things he said. eg for not filling in a form (which i do the paperwork mostly) but on this occassion the information required was all about him. He absolutely exploded again horrendous profanities and then kicked my handbag. There are so many painful scenarios.
A lot of his frustration is due to sexual frustration. I cannot and will not engage now with a man who behaves like an immature teenager. Nothing is discussed – we do not communicate. He had a very senior job and worked hard. He is bright and articulate. He is also arrogant and full of his own hubris. He is very charming to everyone else.
Over time I withdrew and i have used wine as a prop although not daily. I find that I am continuously thinking about all that has been said over the years. I cannot get rid of it and it consumes my daily thoughts. I am seeing my GP tomorrow to talk about the impact the abuse is having on my mental well being and to see if I can see a counsellor.
This is abuse is it not?
Thank you for reading my post
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Hi Troddenon, Yes, this is abuse – and it’s insidious, creeping like an ivy around a tree trunk until the tree is strangled. You are not alone unfortunately. He will tell you that you are too sensitive, that you remember things wrongly, you’re having a breakdown. Think back to past ‘episodes’. Does he turn his rage on and off? I have learned that it is just not real rage – it is to control you, to manipulate you. Just like the Mr Nice Guy (which I’ve got at the moment) – is not real -simply there to reel you back into this insidious relationship. He’s putting on an act to press your buttons into melt-down mode AND enjoying every second of it – no excuses. ‘I don’t remember’ is ridiculous so keep a journal just so you can refer to it when he is in denial and reassure yourself that you remember correctly. Trust me he remembers exactly what he said!!! He enjoys winding you up with lewd comments because it provokes an emotional reaction. Like me you spend your days ‘ruminating’ over your relationship which in turn means adrenalin is coursing like a river through your body resulting in lack of sleep, possibly lack of appetite, mental confusion and emotional chaos. We all believe you – you’re not inventing or exaggerating events. We’ve been there – and many still are (me). But take courage and seek help either with WA or a local organisation that’s in partnership with WA. It took me a long time to get any support but it is out there – you just need to keep looking. Ask your GP if she is aware of any local DA organisations and/or support groups. I guess like me you’ve been with your husband for a number of years and maybe you’ve always thought it was just a c**p marriage that you had to make the best of. No, you deserve a life. Sorry for the rant, just angry for you and wishing I could simply pop round for a cup of tea and compare notes. Take care. X*X
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Oh yes, try the Freedom Programme by Pat Craven. It describes the different personas that the abuser uses. Knowledge of the different characters in his ‘false’ self really does give you weapons to counter the bombardment. Remember he will always do and say the opposite just to confuse. Also have a look at YouTube videos. I find the ones that are part of ‘surviving and thriving’ channel absolutely spot on. And she gives you a few pointers on how to counter the abuser – so long as you feel safe ie. no physical violence. x
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Hi Doris
Thank you for all your support and recommendations. Yes it is insidious and it sucks the joy out of life. It is the slow drip drip cyclical torture. I am dumbfounded by his inability to recognise that what he does or says is abuse. He would not treat his mother sister or daughter like this and would be appalled if it happened to them. I have only told two friends and my sisters who have reassured me their husbands have never behaved like this or deigned to call them horrific names.
They all say leave.That is what I would say if I were to be detached and watch myself. This is difficut for various reasons- long term marriage, financial dependency, living a fairly socially isolated life etc. I wonder where the man I married disappeared. I do know leaving would be the sensible option but I get consumed by paralysis as it would involve me moving to a new county with no friends or work as i am of retirement age etc.
I will watch the you tube videos and look at Pat Craven. I already am feeling some relief so thank you. Yes it would be great to pop in for a coffee etc! -
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4th time lucky, been trying to reply and been jumped out, anyway. Welcome to the forum💚
My oh is like yours sex wise. I swear he’s a flaming octopus, any innocent comments I make he’ll take totally out of context. Every night I suppose a s..g’s out of the question, to which he gets a look, so he’ll try rephrasing it to making love, as if that’s going to make me. It’s how utterly crude he is, at his age he should be done with that, it certainly isn’t a way to your heart is it?I’ve been writing my thoughts down for years, I have written proof of what hes said and done, usually without witnesses. My abuse is the same as yours, it’s something you can’t explain.i sometimes wish he’d hit me again but I don’t think he’ll do that, anyway threats are more than enough, aren’t they? I too have to do everything fir my oh, I can’t call him husband anymore, he too goes off on one when he’s to deal with professionals or fill in forms himself.
Your oh isn’t sexually frustrated, that’s a fallacy, it’s the excuse he uses to justify his behaviour of you that’s all. Have you looked up trauma bonding and FOG. It explains how we stay, not why we don’t leave. There’s a programme on ch5 about how to leave safely. It’s running til 2023.
Have you spoken to your doctor yet as to how his behaviour is affecting you. What about wa(women’s aid) local ones usually have a solicitor they use IF you’re maybe thinking of leaving and divorcing him. Knowledge is power as they say. Noone will push you into making decisions you feel you’re not ready to make. Without physical abuse, I’m personally finding it really hard to leave, yet when we’re in the middle of a moment it’s all I can think of, getting out and away from him. I fear I’m not articulate enough to make out how serious things are, that they’ll(the police’s) will think I’m wasting their time(I know I’m not)that they’ll put it down to just a natural deterioration of a marriage, no more being compatible, but it’s not that, it is abuse I know it is. One day I’ll leave. Keep posting my friend, keep learning from others posts, it’ll surprise you how similar yours and others circumstances are so similar.
IWMB 💕💕-
Hi IWMB thanks for this.
You are totally articulate in everything you say. As individuals we have a choice as how we express our selves- our needs, wants, desires and boundaries. This should be reciprocated and understood in a healthy relationship. I am not a toy or a performing monkey. I am a human being who deserves respect, deserves to be listened to and deserves equal communication without malice, vindictiveness or control.
A support network for me is already beginning to ameliorate the helplessness. I know it is a long journey but I have started it. Thank you for pointing me in the right direction. This forum is going to be a huge learning curve.
x*x
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Just looked that up thanks @Doris.💕💕
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