Mental Health

[Chocolatebunnie]

I have just read dancing in the rains post and found it helpful to read and relate to it well.

For some time I have been numb and distant and feeling very low, suicidal/self harm vivid thoughts. I came very close a few weeks back to doing something as I was so bad but better now.

Ive been working through my next steps with my counsellor should I stay or go has been the topic, regardless of the other problems in my life current and past which I need counselling for also, it has only been about my husband when anything is discussed, its like Im obsessed. I know its not a healthy relationship and I should do something, its just finding the strength being confident it is right.

Sorry if this is too much information, but I need to get some advice, I cannot work out what has happened and feel I am in the wrong, that im cold and selfish.

I have been distance from my husband both emotional and physical and he has got more and more upset about it he has pestered me for sex, I have been avoiding it and he has been making me feel guilty for not wanting to be close as he needs this kind of closeness to feel loved, we have spent (detail removed by moderator) an emotional vortex talking about this, I ask him surely cuddles and other ways would be ok, Im not feeling great right now. He hardly cuddles me (he blames me) but happy to grope me, although I have been stopping him and he has been offended by this too, he keeps saying ive changed. I am depressed, stressed exhausted and he is not always nice, then suddenly is nice as he wants some.

I have slept in kids room, partly cause im exhausted and now its a safe place.

Well we have since got on better and I thought things may improve, so was more relaxed. He made advance I excepted but for various reasons wasn’t in the mood really and he realised and again was offended. I had to get away so went to (detail removed by moderator) as I knew it would lead to an argument. He came and found me asked what was the matter, I opened myself up to him, about everything in my life that was hurting me and hoping it would change things he would understand, but he just  (detail removed by moderator) and looked distraught. I told him I (detail removed by moderator), it wasn’t about him my problems I was sharing, but he not once cuddled or held my hand, he listened and said why was I holding onto all these things.

Now this is where I get confused, he has said he is depressed, he has close family members who are seriously ill not yet terminal but it is looking that way, he has other problems too. He is a cannibis user and relies on it heavily. Yes he may be depressed and I am a very understanding person, although not to him anymore and that makes me feel really awful.

The next day he was nice, reassuring, things were good again, but the (detail removed by moderator) he woke up and I was in a better mood, he went out said where he was going, then said he was depressed, for some reason I couldn’t get past him not being there when I poured my heart out to him, but his being depressed if it was his problems I could have listened and dealt with that but actually it was all about our ‘relationship crisis’ bearing in mind I felt things had improved we were back where we were, all day I was crying and he was upset, then all of a sudden I get a cuddle and its all alright again, so he thinks, this is not normal, but it is normal for us. He is blaming my mental health for our relationship crisis as he puts it, I blame his mood and cannibis use. The kids pick up on this, my kids say I am not moody, stressed, not moody. The kids don’t know where they stand with Dad and pick up on the tension, bearing in mind sometimes the tension is simply he needs a joint.

He is off to work this morning and all smiles. I am left feeling c**p. I feel like Im to blame and I am the abuser, it felt better for a few weeks thinking we could be a family, things were maybe going to be ok.

 

 

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi there,

Sorry you are feeling so low. It sounds like he’s not able to empathise with your feelings, see and meet your emotional needs. He sounds emotionally unavailable.

I’m not surprised you’re depressed when he is unaffectionate by not cuddling you but still groped you and wants sex. That’s not a good sign. My ex became v clinical like this too, he stopped letting me sit on his lap, cuddle up to him, be affectionate to him and sex became really clinical and felt totally cold and unloving. Then he got mad at me for wanting to cuddle afterwards.

Your feelings are valid. My ex also blamed our relationship problems on my mental health, it allows them to accept zero responsibility for the pain they are causing.

Does your ex do other things like try to control what you wear, who you see, your job, food, money etc? Have you looked up the Power and control wheel in Google? It helped me to make sense of my relationship and leave which was so painful but absolutely for the best.

[diymum@1]

hi CB do you think your in a co-dependent relationship. your naturally looking to him for what is rightfully yours in a relationship – support love some tenderness. we all need that – its just that im the same i craved love as a child and ive gotten into co-dependent relationships. i also know canabis makes people very moody xx your not an abuser your frustrated because your not getting the love you deserve xxxx

[diymum@1]

ive just looked up co-dependency and i dont think thats what i really mean here. what i think is if you had more support around you and not having to rely on him i think youd feel that the thought off leaving would be easier xx to a degree i think he has the traits off someone co-dependent tho xx am i waffling? hope not and hope your ok sending you strength x

[Tiffany]

Oh that classic line: we both have to work on it. It was the best I ever got from my abuser. And how Worked on it. Only he never did, so my life got worse and worse, while his got better and better, as I bent over backwards to improve his life.

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