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Hello,
Does anyone have experience of abuse starting due to mental health? My partner has never been abusive before – we have been together for over a decade so surely I would have seen it before. Lockdown/Covid has had a big impact on my partner and this is when the abuse started – never physical just emotional. It slowly kept escalating so he has moved back to his parents now to give us some space as I couldn’t take it anymore.
He has now admitted he is suffering with mental health issues & anger, he has started on anti depressants and is seeing a therapist but I just feel so confused. I have never seen this behaviour in him before but now i have seen it in just not sure things can ever be the same again. What happens if this happens again in the future? What if it’s always been there?
I honestly just feel like I am loosing my mind. Has anyone else experienced abuse starting due to partners mental health?
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Something similar.
Mine was diagnosed with a condition (not mental health but something that I knew would affect his brain eventually) – not long after DD was born. I had researched it. It was something that no one else saw apart from me. Being at home all the time with him.
He became emotionally abusive. And financially abusive. Looking back I feel he actually always was abusive but the condition exacerbated it.
One particular occasion when he was becoming very nasty and his intentions of bullying were clear i called the police. They arrived, I told them what he had said, the threats. But in the next breath I found myself saying ‘oh it must be his condition’. And he was not arrested they just had a ‘chat’ with him.
So that is a tricky one about mental health. I would watch that one.
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Hi Bluetac1,
Many people will say that MH is no excuse for abuse, but I do get that when an individual is struggling with their MH they will have frustrations, anger, feelings of resentment, uncertainty and many other negative feelings where they will take it all out on those closest to them. Covid/lockdown has impacted so many people over the last 20 months and affected their MH. These feelings have to get released, it’s impossible not to, but when it’s prolonged and unaddressed that’s when it gets really harmful.
Your partner is acknowledging and accepting he has some issues. It is good he has agreed to move out and give you some space (so many abusers refuse to move out full stop) so I believe he is showing some signs of understanding how this is impacting you too. He does seem to be doing the right thing, taking steps to get help, taking medication etc. However, if what you have seen has changed your feelings for him then you can’t ignore that.
You have been together a long time, and sometimes, relationships change and people no longer want to be together. Ill health can bring people closer or drive them apart. There is no right or wrong answer, every relationship deals with things differently.
For now, you have space. There is no rush to put an official label on your relationship that you are still ‘together’, ‘temporarily separated’ or ‘split up’. If you want to continue to be supportive in his MH journey you can do so, but support from a slight distance. Allow time for the medication to start working, allow time for the weekly therapy sessions to take place. Look for improvement in his actions, not just his words. If neither of you are wishing to meet someone new then there is no pressure here, but you are both also entitled to carry on with day to day life and socialise with friends whilst he is getting better.
With Christmas coming, this may bring added pressures or happiness. See how Christmas works for you both. Go at your own pace now and don’t feel pressured to have him home too quickly if you don’t want to. Tell him you both need this time apart and you need to do what is right for both of you, not just him.
If he has never been abusive before then this might actually be a genuine MH issue, but it will be his determination to improve things that is the driving factor here, not yours.
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